Ask Me Help Desk - Inappropriate Sibling's Affection.

I am 35, 23rd Sept born. I have a girlfriend (whom I was after for the past 14 years i.e.1998) since 2007 that only has one brother. They are 4 siblings, 3 girls and 1 boy, she is the youngest in the family. The elder 2 girls got married. My girlfriend is 28, a Taurean ( April 30 born) a little religious, soft spoken and sexy as well.

In the past we used to enjoy a lot of oral sex together though she did not make the advances. I always initiated this till I realize that oral sex is still sex because to marry her is my sole aim for the relationship. We live in a Christian society where religious taboos like incest is refrained and treated as sin. With that background, though we have a lot of misunderstandings, another difficult problem that I faced (or rather she faced) is her brother, who is a little too jealous of his sister. I too am a brother and understand how to show affection to my sisters but I never get physical with my sisters, never, never in my life. And I consider that sin and the most inappropriate of all sins, even fondling.

My girlfriend seems to be hiding things about the care she shower on her brother. Another instance was her brother once told me a long time that there was a night when he started to fondle his "baby-sister's" private part and she got angry. Though I started to believe that was the end of it, now that they are adults, many a times I found them sleep together in one blanket (though my girlfriend would face the other way, her brother would be embracing her from the back - that happened in all the instances I saw them sleep together even to this day after her sisters got married). Moreover when her brother was drunk at night, he would lie naked beside her (that too in some of the instances I saw them). They used to be in different rooms but after her sisters got married they are in the same room with two beds, yet they still sleep together on the pretext of winter. I still believed that she still is a virgin, I cannot confirm now, and she is not in talking terms with me at many times. I find it very difficult to cope with the situation.

Actually, this is what is considered inappropriate according to our religion in Leviticus 18:9 (even fondling or caressing) and according to me, provided she is a little religious. If I would have been a normal wise guy, I would have left her a long time ago, yet I loved her all the more and will never leave her. What I want is to make them realize that these inappropriate fondling or inappropriate affection be stopped for the good of our relationship. I have neither referred the Bible text (Lev 18:9) to her nor spoke to her about these inappropriate sleeping together, yet it hurts me to the core why they would not stop these habits.

How would they ever realize these dirty habits and stop them? How would they know it is wrong without me telling either of them? Would it not hurt our post-marriage life if these things were carried on till I marry her? Though I loved her and will always, ready to forgive, I know I am a sinner too but I want these things, these sins stopped, but "How"? If I let them know, none of them would ever speak to me, I don't want her to stop speaking to me. How? I cannot speak about these to any friends because this is too shameful (or is it just according to me?) How?

" I still believed that she still is a virgin, I cannot confirm now, and she is not in talking terms with me at many times."

We can't know the truth of all this because we aren't there, or even hearing her side of the story, but there is clearly a lack of trust on your part, and a lot of resentment on her part, presumably because of this.

So we can't really advise about what you have related here. All I can say is that if the two of you can't talk all this out and if you still can't trust her, then you shouldn't get married. Your suspicions will not go away, and you will have nothing but unhappiness.

Assuming that it's my lack of trust(since it was her brother who told me about the weird things he did, wearing her dresses; her perfumes, and all my gifts to her becomes her brother's; and my girlfriend said that it's even her undergarments, moreover she told me once that her brother is jealous, and at another time having told her at one time he would marry her... ) are these not enough sin. I need help in this matter, not add fuel to the almost ruined relationship. I am a one love, one marriage person. Should I stay a bachelor my whole life then? I don't think this is about suspicion.

Not only is this beyond my comprehension, but you witnessing it is beyond my comprehension.

This is totally inappropriate behavior between siblings, and between adult siblings to boot. Someone help me out here - these are boundary issues correct? What other boundary issues are there with this family? I mean the brother has boundary issues thinking he can have sex with his sister and the sister has boundary issues in that she keeps getting into these situations with her brother.

This is just my opinion but I would stay a bachelor a little longer and in another part of your country.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Not only is this beyond my comprehension, but you witnessing it is beyond my comprehension.

This is totally inappropriate behavior between siblings, and between adult siblings to boot. Someone help me out here - these are boundary issues correct? What other boundary issues are there with this family? I mean the brother has boundary issues thinking he can have sex with his sister and the sister has boundary issues in that she keeps getting into these situations with her brother.

This is just my opinion but I would stay a bachelor a little longer and in another part of your country.

In the countryside, you live in houses where you visit people for something or the other in these parts of my country, when you do that you come across such things, that;s how I witness this kind of things

He sounds like a freak, but maybe she is not, just an indulgent sister maybe. I don't know but either you trust how she handles him or NOT. Maybe you two have a lack of communications or lacking the facts you need from her as to the extent of what you think their relationship is about. Also consider he may have lied to you to run you off from his sister. That seems likely and its maybe a mistake to take his word over hers.

Regardless this is something to talk about with her to have facts and not just suspicions based on what you have seen. Maybe they are misinterpreted maybe they are NOT. But now is the time to get this cleared up and work together to set clear boundaries for the future because suspicion will drive a wedge between you, and this fellow will be in your life after you marry if you can move beyond this.

If you cannot solve this together then there is no point in a marriage. Honest communications is the key, and you don't seem to have a lot of it. Maybe she isn't religious enough for you, or you are too religious for her.

TALK, so you don't assume out of fear.

There was a man here a while back who wrote in a similar style about being infatuated with his 6 year old step sister who lived far away. He even elaborated in following replies in ways that added more shocking detail, as this does, and something in me is seeing a connection between the two threads. I keep seeing a very, very clever fabrication in both - from the same novelist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

There was a man here a while back who wrote in a similar style about being infatuated with his 6 year old step sister who lived far away. He even elaborated in following replies in ways that added more shocking detail, as this does, and something in me is seeing a connection between the two threads. I keep seeing a very, very clever fabrication in both - from the same novelist.

AHHHH - so what's the point of helping, commenting, reading, spending a second on this, etc. Thank you!!

I have no proof. Just a writer's sense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

He sounds like a freak, but maybe she is not, just an indulgent sister maybe. I don't know but either you trust how she handles him or NOT. Maybe you two have a lack of communications or lacking the facts you need from her as to the extent of what you think their relationship is about. Also consider he may have lied to you to run you off from his sister. That seems likely and its maybe a mistake to take his word over hers.

Regardless this is something to talk about with her to have facts and not just suspicions based on what you have seen. Maybe they are misinterpreted maybe they are NOT. But now is the time to get this cleared up and work together to set clear boundaries for the future because suspicion will drive a wedge between you, and this fellow will be in your life after you marry if you can move beyond this.

If you cannot solve this together then there is no point in a marriage. Honest communications is the key, and you don't seem to have a lot of it. Maybe she isn't religious enough for you, or you are too religious for her.

TALK, so you don't assume out of fear.

I find the comments helpful for me, yet here I would not call her 'indulgent,' in my long years of relation with her I find her helpless and fears her brother even in adulthood. And I cannot interfere because he would hurt her mentally,(which he does more often when drunk). Personally, I always hope she would have communicated to me more. But I need help here not to understand, but ways that will help or guide them see things crystal clear where the boundary lies... like I said I am a brother among the siblings in my family too.

If you are right, I don't think talking will help as I suspect she needs help getting away from her abuser, and maybe some help after she does.

I have the same sense - that this is fabricated and someone just wants to air their own fantasy of incest and see what other people say about it to feed the fantasy. The question makes no sense - obviously if a man's future wife is in an incestuous relationship with her brother as an adult, uhm, it's inappropriate. It is a red flag for marriage. What else is there to say about it really, unless someone has some other motivation about discussing it in detail. Novelist sounds like the right terminology for the OP to me as well.

If someone can find the thread from a month or so ago about the infatuation with, and the oral sex with, the SIX year old step sister who lived far away, I would like very much to compare the two writers. It was closed by a moderator because the story kept escalating as this one does. It shared an embroidered quality with this one too, and a sense that it didn't quite belong to any region of the world.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

If someone can find the thread from a month or so ago about the infatuation with, and the oral sex with, the SIX year old step sister who lived far away, I would like very much to compare the two writers. It was closed by a moderator because the story kept escalating as this one does. It shared an embroidered quality with this one too, and a sense that it didn't quite belong to any region of the world.

What on earth makes you think this issue is fabricated? I would not be surprised if you are a non-believer. This is my last response to your comments dude. You are not helping. And for your information, this issue belongs to a north-eastern part of India, though disclosing the exact address would be harmful for my girlfriend. Thank you for your sarcasm.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

If you are right, I don't think talking will help as I suspect she needs help getting away from her abuser, and maybe some help after she does.

Oh, how I wish I could get her away some place safe, because I am ready to forgive and forget these, but according to what I heard, this feeling of guilt may linger on inside her even after marriage and decline in the love I so cherished, but she said the time has not come, I am unemployed, she wants me to get a govt. job which is hard these days where I belong. I will support her in any other alternative ways till she is ready to marry me. Thank You for the support Talaniman.

We have to be careful of fabrication on this site, as any online site does.
While I do see more connectivity in this story if in rural Christian North-east India, I think I will stay away, because I still don't have a good sense.
I can say I am from anywhere in the world, am any gender, and any age. I can say anything.
I did say I don't have proof.