Ask Me Help Desk - I'm clueless

I'm clueless

I'm 20 (9/7/1992)

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year. We didn't start having sex until 3 months in, and it was on her terms. Sex was great and we did it everywhere. Up until this October everything was fine. Now, she's either to tired or doesn't feel like it. She will tease me all day and when it comes to "later" she'll say "oh wow I forgot, sorry."

On the off-chance that we do have sex she does have an orgasm and usually multiples. I know she's not faking it because I make her squirt. I mean, I don't know what else to do. In the beginning of our relationship I was a mean guy. Now I'm probably the nicest guy around. I'm beginning to think that I need to be a mean guy again. I have one theory. I started staying at her apartment every night. I have my own place but I'm here more often than not. I think because she knows that she always has me, she doesn't need me. I don't know, maybe I'm speculating.

Can someone help. I'm beginning to become frustrated.

Your whole posting was about sex. What about the relationship? Are you working on that part as well? Is it possible she just sees you as the boyfriend that wants sex and sex only? What about hugs, kisses, doing the dishes, bringing flowers home, etc?

I make a 3 course dinner every night. I kiss her every morning and say "I'll miss you today." I give her little presents once in awhile. When I know she's had a bad day I get her, her favorite ice cream and candy bar. I'll randomly walk up to her, take her in my arms and dance with her. I'm not the boyfriend that only wants sex and I've told her that. My whole post is about sex because that's the only thing that has changed.

How about staying at your place more often and be less emotionally available to her? You can do this in a kind but detached way without making her feel like you are leaving the relationship. It sounds like she is getting what she needs, but backs off when it comes time for her to give you what you need.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rnehasil

I make a 3 course dinner every night. I kiss her every morning and say "I'll miss you today." I give her little presents once in awhile. When I know she's had a bad day I get her, her favorite ice cream and candy bar. I'll randomly walk up to her, take her in my arms and dance with her. I'm not the boyfriend that only wants sex and I've told her that. My whole post is about sex because that's the only thing that has changed.

Okay I was just making sure you were missing the little stuff too.

Have you sit her down and talked to her about this? Not in an attacking way which it doesn't sound like that would be your style anyway.

Why and how were you a mean guy? And then why the change to a nice guy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How about staying at your place more often and be less emotionally available to her? You can do this in a kind but detached way without making her feel like you are leaving the relationship. It sounds like she is getting what she needs, but backs off when it comes time for her to give you what you need.

That's what I was thinking. Its easier said than done though. I'll give it a try.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Okay I was just making sure you were missing the little stuff too.

Have you sit her down and talked to her about this? Not in an attacking way which it doesn't sound like that would be your style anyway.

Why and how were you a mean guy? And then why the change to a nice guy?

I talked to her last night about it. She took it very personally.

I was an *ss. Ditched her for friends. Didn't do anything for her birthday or even give her anything.

I switched to a nice guy because of how great she is. I might not get sex as much as a used to but she's still a great girlfriend. I almost lost her to another guy and I reframed my entire existence because I knew what I was going to lose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rnehasil

I talked to her last night about it. She took it very personally.

I was an *ss. Ditched her for friends. Didn't do anything for her birthday or even give her anything.

I switched to a nice guy because of how great she is. I might not get sex as much as a used to but she's still a great girlfriend. I almost lost her to another guy and I reframed my entire existance because I knew what I was going to lose.

I think you phrased it correctly. You were more of a butthead than mean.

Maybe she just isn't ready to settle down for a long term committed relationship. It also sounds like she will be the one who loses out if this doesn't work out. But I hope it does!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rnehasil

That's what I was thinking. Its easier said than done though. I'll give it a try.

Start very slooooooooooooooooooooowly -- maybe one extra night there and then add another night eventually. You will figure it out -- and never, never giving any suspicions that you are backing away from her. Certainly you have some reasons to be at your own place? And of course, still be that loving and attentive guy when you are at her place and with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

I think you phrased it correctly. You were more of a butthead than mean.

Maybe she just isn't ready to settle down for a long term committed relationship. It also sounds like she will be the one who loses out if this doesn't work out. But I hope it does!!

We've been together for a year. I think she's committed. She's also talked about marriage. It doesn't scare me because its all talk until I act on it. So I think she's down for a committed relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Start very slooooooooooooooooooooowly -- maybe one extra night there and then add another night eventually. You will figure it out -- and never, never giving any suspicions that you are backing away from her. Certainly you have some reasons to be at your own place? And of course, still be that loving and attentive guy when you are at her place and with her.

Slowly start showing her what she's missing... All right, I can do that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rnehasil

Slowly start showing her what she's missing... Alright, I can do that.

And SHOW, don't tell. Slowly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And SHOW, don't tell. Slowly.

Thank you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rnehasil

Thank you.

And you will please report back. And also stick around. You are cool and write well. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And you will please report back. And also stick around. You are cool and write well. :)

Haha that's what you get from an English writing and composition major.

And please feel free to write and submit 200-800+ words on some subject to the site Blog. I'm the editor and would love to get new stuff. Post it on the Blog board and I will check it for grammar and punctuation mistakes ;) before I release it so all can read it.

So you went from a boob to a overly nice butler huh? Find a middle ground where you both can benefit and have no fear of losing her. If she doesn't miss you and want you to be there, then she will take you for granted.

You spend every night together? Really? Know the difference between a nice guy, and a good guy.