I know there's not really a solution but I have to vent. I love my husband so much. I just want to be with him and show my love. And he is just not interested. I want to be okay with his low desire and I try to be. But sometimes I can't help but be really hurt. I want to be with him for the rest of my life but how do I deal with this forever? It just sucks so bad. :-( I don't want to masturbate. I'm not even horny. I just want to be close to him. And like so many times he'd just rather watch t.v. :-( I just don't know how to deal with this. It's so hard to just lay next to him when I want him. He want's me to lay there and watch t.v. with him but no kissing or anything. He knows for a fact I want him. I tried to kiss on him and he just said "sorry". He just can't make himself be into it. Sorry if this doesn't make too much sense. I can't stop crying. :-( I wish I could change my desire and make it lower. He is the perfect guy except for this. It sucks not being able to express my love to him. I try and he just isn't into it. What the heck do I do? What can I do to make it not upset me??

Has he seen a doctor about his low sexual desire?

No, not specifically for that. He's had regular blood work and it comes back normal. The thing is he doesn't feel like it's a problem, he says it's just the way he is. And to go to the doctor about this would be another huge hit to his ego (which is already pretty bad because of this issue). Even if he does have low testosterone, I'd be scared for him to take the medication for it. On the commercial the side effects listed are terrible. Maybe I'm wrong though? Do you are anyone else know about the medication for low testosterone? Are the side effects that bad and does it really work?

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Originally Posted by greentree30

No, not specifically for that. He's had regular blood work and it comes back normal. The thing is he doesn't feel like it's a problem, he says it's just the way he is. And to go to the doctor about this would be another huge hit to his ego (which is already pretty bad because of this issue). Even if he does have low testosterone, I'd be scared for him to take the medication for it. On the commercial the side effects listed are terrible. Maybe I'm wrong though? Do you are anyone else know about the medication for low testosterone? Are the side effects that bad and does it really work??

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Have you had a face to face conversation with him lately? Yes, he says it is who he is, but are you willing to live like this forever?

Yes we've talked about it azillion times. We've been together for 9 yrs and we've always had this issue. And we had many talks just recently. And we just started going to therapy. Our first therapy session was yesterday. It sucks because we have a great time together during the day. Like I tend to want to be close to him after we had a fun day together (or during the day if we are home). Having the great time together makes me want to be even closer. But he doesn't seem to need/ want "being closer". So the day goes from great to bad all the time (especially lately!).

No I'm not willing to live like this forever. I'm desperate for things to change. :-( I hate to even say this, but if I did leave him I really don't have anywhere to go. Both my parents are passed away. My sister lives across the country. I'm not at all close with my relatives. I have a few friends but they have children and a husband and no room for me to move in! I don't know what the hell I would do. And I have a disability so I truly can't work. I'm not with him because of my situation. I'm with him because I really really love him and we are great together (except for this problem). But if I ever did decide to leave I have nowhere to go and no way to support myself.

We are around each other ALL the time though. Maybe if I was gone a bit (when he gets home from work), that could help? So he'd get a chance to miss me? The thing is we share a car so I need to wait for him to get home first. Also I have fractures in my back which causes nerve pains in my butt when I sit. So I have to be careful with how long I can sit (so I can't drive too long). And I don't know what I could do close by. There's not really anything going on close by. I would love to spend a ton of time with my best friend but she lives an hour away (so it's a bit of a drive which can cause nerve pains for me). Anyway, I don't even know if being gone a bit would help or not? I am desperate for any suggestions!

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Originally Posted by greentree30

We are around each other ALL the time though. Maybe if I was gone a bit (when he gets home from work), that could help? So he'd get a chance to miss me? The thing is we share a car so I need to wait for him to get home first. Also I have fractures in my back which causes nerve pains in my butt when I sit. So I have to be careful with how long I can sit (so I can't drive too long). And I don't know what I could do close by. There's not really anything going on close by. I would love to spend a ton of time with my best friend but she lives an hour away (so it's a bit of a drive which can cause nerve pains for me). Anyway, I don't even know if being gone a bit would help or not? I am desperate for any suggestions!

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First of all, you are going to therapy. What does the therapist recommend? How have you supported yourself for the past 9 years? He knows you need his help financially, so I believe he does what he wants to do. He doesn't have to change. He knows you aren't going anywhere.

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Originally Posted by greentree30

he says it's just the way he is.

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If he broke his leg, he wouldn't go to a doctor because "it's just the way he is"? What if he had a terrible chronic pain in his gut? Oh, well -- it's just the way he is...

Obviously, something is wrong. What if he has cancer of the prostate? What if there is something terribly wrong medically? Wouldn't it be a good idea to find out?

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Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

First of all, you are going to therapy. What does the therapist recommend?

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We've only gone once to therapy so far. The first session was just venting. The therapist was the "mediator". But it wasn't anything we haven't told each other before. It was all the same stuff. So we didn't get anything from it. We'll see about the second session (this saturday). The thing is I'm a little torn because I know the bigger deal I make this the more pressure that it puts on him. Like everyone says, pressure kills libido. I'm still going to go to therapy at least one or two more times. But if it doesn't seem like we are getting anything from it and it's already stuff we've said before, I don't see the point. She needs to help us find a solution. Or maybe this isn't the right therapist for us?
I hung out with my best friend last night and she is exactly like my husband in as far as libido/ desire goes. She has always had low desire and isn't big on making out and such, and it upsets her husband. So anyway she explained things from her point of view which was really helpful. That the pressure of it just makes her want to run. And the smallest little things he says or moves he makes adds pressure. So I think I wasn't realizing how much pressure I've been putting on him lately. I've been stuck in my own head with how I feel. So anyway I hope therapy doesn't makes things worse by just focusing on it so much. Cause things were a bit better for 4 months straight and I think it was because I made an effort not to put pressure on him. But I also wonder if it just sometimes doesn't bother me as much. It seems to go in waves that it bothers me.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If he broke his leg, he wouldn't go to a doctor because "it's just the way he is"? What if he had a terrible chronic pain in his gut? Oh, well -- it's just the way he is....

Obviously, something is wrong. What if he has cancer of the prostate? What if there is something terribly wrong medically? Wouldn't it be a good idea to find out?

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I see what you're saying about needing to treat it as a medical problem. But if his testosterone is in normal range then it's not a medical problem, you know? So I can see how he'd feel like "it's just the way he is" and I should except it (I'm just trying to see it from his point of view). If it is in normal range I'm going to feel bad for getting him to check it and I don't want it to hurt his ego more.

I'm pretty sure nothing is terribly wrong though because he recently had an ultrasound around his kidney (it was a check up, everything was fine), because he has surgery on his kidney several years ago. Prostate cancer does run in his family but I would think they'd see if it was enlarged while looking around the kidney?

But anyway I do agree that he should get his testosterone checked. Is there any way to ask him and keep him from taking it personally or hurting his feelings? I read up on low testosterone and it says that it can effect your concentration and memory. And his memory is TERRIBLE. Like really bad. And it also said low testosterone can make you anxious and he is a super anxious person (he has panic attacks sometimes). So all of that does fit the symptoms of low testosterone. I guess if I point that out he might see it's just out of concern.

I can't understand this problem very well because I've never been in a long long long relationship. My ex-wife and I went to one session but there isn't a cure for my issue. I do hope I've started one recently that will last forever though.

But I do have a question about therapy. Do therapist ever tell you that you are cured or better? I mean if they do that then they are hurting their income which seems to be a conflict of interest.

I wish you all the luck though.

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Originally Posted by greentree30

But if it doesn't seem like we are getting anything from it and it's already stuff we've said before, I don't see the point. She needs to help us find a solution. Or maybe this isn't the right therapist for us?

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But to your therapist this is all new information. Give her a chance. And mention that about pressure and how your friend feels.

Oliver,
I haven't been to therapy long enough to know! Lol I do have a lot of my own crap to deal with so if it ever does "cure" me (that would be awesome) it's going to take quite a while! Lol I'm guessing they can truly help people quite a bit, but it's a matter of finding the right therapist and techniques that will help that person. And on top of that the person has to be willing to work on themselves. But I bet even if the person gets a lot better they will probably go back from time to time for "tune ups". I bet there are therapists out there just to make a buck and keep you coming back. But I'm sure there's plenty who are truly kind hearted and want to help and do help.

Why do you say there is no "cure" for your issue? What is your issue? You better not say being gay! Because that is not an issue! Or are you talking about fear of commitment? And out of curiosity how long were you with your wife?

Thanks for the luck :-]

Thanks Wondergirl

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

But I do have a question about therapy. Do therapist ever tell you that you are cured or better? I mean if they do that then they are hurting their income which seems to be a conflict of interest.

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I'm a professional counselor. It's up the client(s) to decide if he/she/they have gained enough coping skills and are "cured or better." I firmly believe in helping them develop those skills so they don't have to keep coming back to me to solve the same kind of problems over and over again. And I never had to worry about clients leaving because they were "better" and thus hurting my income. I was glad to see them strike out on their own. A new client was always waiting in the bushes.

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Originally Posted by greentree30

Oliver,
I haven't been to therapy long enough to know! lol I do have a lot of my own crap to deal with so if it ever does "cure" me (that would be awesome) it's going to take quite a while! lol I'm guessing they can truly help people quite a bit, but it's a matter of finding the right therapist and techniques that will help that person. And on top of that the person has to be willing to work on themselves. But I bet even if the person gets a lot better they will probably go back from time to time for "tune ups". I bet there are therapists out there just to make a buck and keep you coming back. But I'm sure there's plenty who are truly kind hearted and want to help and do help.

Why do you say there is no "cure" for your issue? What is your issue? You better not say being gay! Because that is not an issue!! Or are you talking about fear of commitment? And out of curiosity how long were you with your wife?

Thanks for the luck :-]

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I wasn't saying me being gay was an issue. I was saying me being gay was an issue in my marriage. I think Joanne would agree - haha. But I had a lot of past baggage going in that I never dealt with completely. She knows everything and is totally supportive now. We were together about 12 years and have 2 incredible boys.

I myself had the same issue and it was due to low testosterone. I go every month now for an injection and feel I amazing! My wife loves the new me! She said this is who I married! I'm not stressed, depressed, and even got my memory back too!

Give your therapist at least 10 sessions and see what happens and find some better coping strategies for those times that your needs are not met by your husband. Your problem is isolation and no outlets for frustration, so of course hubby takes the brunt of his.

Just because you are disabled doesn't mean you have to be totally dependent on his presence or cannot build a life that you enjoy without him being present. Sorry to seem harsh, as I don't mean to, but its changing yourself that will bring you happiness not changing him.

Love to hear his side of this as its hard to believe "the way he is" is all that's been gleaned from 9 years together.

I'm not dependent on him always being with me. The few friends I do have I hang out with without my husband. But yea I agree I definitely need more going on in my life. I wouldn't be so isolated if I had a car. I would leave the house a lot more but we only have 1 car, so I can't leave during the day unless someone picks me up. My therapist just told me about some groups in my city I had no idea about, so I'm going to check those out on the weekend.
Yea I probably take my frustrations out on my husband more than I should. I think they are valid complaints but I wouldn't be so focused on it if I were busy doing other things. My therapist got his side of the story and she said neither of us is right or wrong, just different.

What you said about finding a coping strategy when my needs aren't met is good advice. I'm usually really happy with our relationship but when I feel like he's rejected me a few times in a row or whatever sometimes I get really upset like it's the end of the world. And I don't know how to deal with it. But like you said if I had more things going on in my life it could definitely help all around.

Thanks for the advice. It did sting a little bit but you are right. It's a bit of a push for me to go be social and to work on myself, not my husband.

Blacksheep, that's awesome! What kind of injection do you get? Do you have any side effects? I still want to get my husbands testosterone checked. He is willing to get it checked (just for the simple fact that it could improve his memory which could improve his work). But he is not in a real hurry about it! Do they check your testosterone numbers to see if they went up? And if it goes up do they stop the injections?