I am a mother of a 9 month old baby girl... I recently quit my office job to be at home starting a new career as a freelance writer, where I work from home. I've hired a nanny for 4 hours a day to watch my baby while I try working and marketing myself, and we're only in the 2nd week, but it is not going well at all. Today I hit a breaking point and I really need some help!

My daughter started at a daycare center at 4 months old but only went there for about 3.5 months (until I started this new job). I feel terrible having changed her situation twice in a short period, but we thought having someone care for her in our house would be a good thing, and that she might like it even more... NOPE.

She is really a pretty good baby when it comes to new people, strangers, but the second we hired our new nanny, she screams whenever she's in the room, even if I'm in there with them. The first few days I tried being around with the two of them so she would see that I trust the nanny, I'm not disappearing, but that did not work. She even cried when I would sit next to the two of them on the floor. Only when I held her would she stop. I'd get her calm and try putting her with the nanny but she'd scream. I've also tried leaving the house to work, having the nanny go get her from her first nap of the day (so she wouldn't see me), going to get her from the nap together. Everything I'm reading says when I leave the room she might whine but soon she'll be having fun: definitely not the case here. Today was the worst day of all... she cried for an hour straight while I was in my office listening, also crying, but I was not sure if me going to them would make it worse or better. I finally did go down to them and she calmed a little.

I really just don't know what to do. I do feel like this nanny is the right fit, she's patient and tries everything and understands it may take time. I think my daughter is really struggling with having a caregiver in our house that isn't me. For the last two months (since she left the daycare center) she has gotten used to me being around all the time, and I think we're in prime separation anxiety time. Though I've noticed when friends, neighbors, etc. hold her, she's just fine, it's only the nanny that totally freaks her out.

Will this correct itself in time? Am I wrong in thinking things should make some small amount of progress in week 2? Will it get worse before it gets better? I've scoured my parenting books for ideas to help this situation improve. I just feel helpless and horrible and I'm so sick to my stomach at the way it's going so far. I can tolerate a crying baby, but this is something else.

I would SO appreciate any ideas... I am open to anything that might help. I apologize that this is long.

It will get better. At the stage your daughter is in right now she is leery of new people. This is perfectly normal, and actually welcomed behavior for a 9 month old.

Understand that many children go through this at many levels, your daughter may be a little stronger in her "approach" than others. But this is called the stranger anxiety stage. If you had taken her to a new day care, for example, this would most likely happen there too. The only difference is that you can hear it while at home, wereas at a daycare setting you are not physically there to hear and observe.

Maybe Nanny can take her to a park to swing if it is warm enough where you are, just the two of them on an outing.

Thank you for the reply and helpful ideas. The nanny does take her on walks... it seems to be the one thing that may help her not cry! (Today it didn't work, but most of the time it seems to, though when they return she screams again).

I guess I am just so confused because for the most part, she isn't clingy. Neighbors, friends, etc. come around who don't see her daily and they can hold her and she's absolutely fine. This is completely different, so it took me by surprise.

Anything I can do to make this easier/better? I'm just so overwhelmed right now...

Well, dear, as I said, she is at the stranger anxiety stage, and this is normal. You say that she is not clingy, however, every child still goes through this stage. You also say that she is not this way with neighbors. But doesn't she know the neighbors? Did she know this Nanny? You see where I am going with this.

The other thing is that she is confused. Probably really confused because she does not understand why this "person" is taking care of her while Mommy is still around. At 9 months old, she does not comprehend why you are there and someone else has to take care of her. In her mind the Nanny should not be there because you are.

It may take a while longer for her to come around since you are still in the house, and she knows it. If it were a daycare center where you are not around, this problem would be overcome in about a week or two.

But with you in the house working, she is getting mixed signals that she does not understand.

As I said, this may take a little longer to overcome, but it is do-able. To make it work though, you have to remain strong and DO NOT respond to her cries when you hear them. You have to put yourself in the mindframe that you are out in the workplace somewhere rather than at home. Let the Nanny tend to her. They will warm up eventually, but if you leave your office because your daughter is crying, you go back to square one every time.

Thank you for responding again. This is not your problem, but you're helping me as if it is. Thank you for that.

The truth is, she doesn't know the neighbors well- only sees them here and there, if we're out grabbing the mail together or on a walk. And I have several friends who she's only seen a few times in her life... so it's strange to me that this girl who has come here for 10 days in a row now is still a complete stranger and freaks her out totally. I am sure you're right that she doesn't get it: why is this girl taking care of her when I'm around?

Ah, babies!

But the thing about avoiding giving in to the cries... I suppose you're right about that. I've been trying to be strong... and have stayed away for an hour, sometimes 2 at a time. One day I had a meeting so I was gone for about 2.5 hours total. But she just cries (screams) the whole time and I keep wondering if I'm doing this wrong, if I should ease her into the nanny, let them get to know each other while I'm there, etc. That was the idea today but it backfired bigtime and she was worse than ever and I ended up crying in my office on the phone to my husband!

I suppose I might get a lot of different theories on this depending on who I speak to. But perhaps I will try staying away completely tomorrow... letting the nanny get her from the nap and I'll just be in my office, no matter how hard it is...

Well, dear, I do know your pain. Not only do I have 4 children who range in age from 21 - 5, but I was also a preschool teacher.

However, it seems that you may have a tough road on your hands with you working in the home. Your little gal does not understand why Mommy is in one room and there is this other unknown woman taking care of her. She is caught between the familiar and the unfamiliar, and it will take time for her to adjust. It will take longer than if she were in a daycare setting because, even though she is only 9 months, she does know in her own way that you are home.

All you are doing right now by making yourself "available" or "visible" to her while Nanny is there is just confusing her. She needs a few days totally and completely alone with Nanny to adjust.

4 kids sounds like a monumental achievement to me at this point! You definitely know your stuff I'm sure.

Yes, I hate to confuse her. Tomorrow I will stay out of sight... we'll give this a try and see how it goes. I suppose if all else fails we can go back to Kindercare, though I really do hope this works out.

Wow, I had no idea how tough daycare could be... I feel exhausted at the end of every day from all this emotional turmoil.

Thank you again for your help and kindness... I really appreciate it.

Oh, Kindercare!! My daughter went to Kindercare in Michigan. Was the best thing that ever happened to her. She is 13 now and a straight A student.

That said, yes tomorrow stay out of sight, but on Friday you will go back to square one if you are in sight if even for a moment. Your little gal needs to know that Nanny is the one to take care of her now. Mommy is not, and cannot, be available.

To make this work you need to stay "out of sight" for a lenghtly period until she gets to know Nanny. Each day you reveal yourself is one step back, then you start all over again.