Ask Me Help Desk - 5 year relationship

Hi everyone.

Yesterday me and my girlfriend decided to break up. Its now day 1 of NC and I'm posting here because it helps to deal with the pain. Im thinking of updating this thread regulalry to see what kind of progress I'm making along the way, sort of like keeping a diary.

Anyway, our story is this: I'm 27 and she's 23. Its basically first long term relationship for both of us. We have had a good time with some ups and downs of course. We had some problems, for example we didn't have a common circle of friends and she didn't get along with my friends (shes kind of shy and expects people to come to talk to her instead of talking to others or joining the conversations). Also we didn't have common interests for example I'm into sports a lot, she likes to sleep a lot. :) Otherwise I treated her with respect, never got angry at her, have never cheated, give her space she needs, surprised her often, paid everything for a trip to Nizza this summer (it was great - she loved it and so did I), got a cat together etc.

A year ago I changed work and started working 100 km away (in another country - great job/once in a lifetime possibility) so I could see her only on weekends. She has to attend college so she couldn't move closer also. Long story short, the distance started to affect the relationship and after thinking about it for a month and a half, we decided to break up. I was about 60 percent in favor of still trying to make it work, she was like 40. She also says its quite possible she will regret the decision in the future.

Yesterday we had a long talk for a couple of hours that I think I handled very well, stayed cool and polite. I told her I was doing great, that I will get raise soon (true) and am exercising regularly (true) and feeling OK, which basically I'm not but I didn't want her to know that. I told her I will not contact her, not because I hate her or anything but because I have feelings for her and need to get over her. I told her she can contact me if something really bad happens to her and she told me the same. We also talked about the possibility of getting back together in the future.

This situation has affected me a lot, I have a problem with sleeping for a while now, I sleep maybe 3-5 hours (usually I slept very well). I think about her maybe 97% of the time I'm awake (I think this is called ruminating - did some research). I bought a book The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle which I hope will help me get rid of the these bad thoughts. I try to reassure me that these are only emotions and my judgement is clouded atm. Nevertheless this is a horrible situation, reading other posts here helps a lot and if someone wants to reply or follow my situation, that would be great.

Day 1 - I feel really depressed and cry on occasions. :( Told parents and sister (sister actually called to ask us for dinner - boy was she shocked). It can only get better from here I hope. Tomorrow my ex will come to pick up her stuff from my apartement, this will be extremely hard for her. Today I sorted out the photos of me I want to keep from our albums - this was an awful thing to be doing.

Breakups are difficult but you are not helping yourself at all.

You need to accept the fact that you cannot nor will you be able to control her feelings or emotions or thoughts. Then you need to understand and accept that you are in total control of how you react to this situation. Meaning - you decide if this breakup is going to ruin today or not. If you decide you are going to have a good day, then you will have a good day. Try it - I promise it works. If you have the choice of making today a good day, why wouldn't you? If you have the choice of making tomorrow a good day, why wouldn't you?

What helps is keeping your mind and body active. Go for a run, go do something fun that you haven't done in a while. Go out with some friends. Do something so your focus is not on the breakup. Make today a smiling day!

Good luck!

Thank you for replying Oliver.

Oh man I did something fun today, something I was afraid of :) Basically like you said I decided it will be a good day. I will not go into specifics.

Im exercising regularly and it really helps me feel better. Keeping her out of my thoughts is another thing.

The bad part is that I'm in another country I don't have my friends here, only co-workers. They are mostly older people also.

But day 2 is already a little bit better. Still bad though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SantasHelper

Thank you for replying Oliver.

Oh man i did something fun today, something i was afraid of :) Basically like you said i decided it will be a good day. I will not go into specifics.

Im exercising regularly and it really helps me feel better. Keeping her out of my thoughts is another thing.

The bad part is that im in another country i dont have my friends here, only co-workers. They are mostly older people also.

But day 2 is already a lil bit better. Still bad tho.

You made a great first step. Now continue it. And meet people. I moved about 1200 miles away from my family once. I made some great friends and some will be friends for life.

But seriously - you made a good day. When you wake up tomorrow decide to make that a good day as soon as you wake up. Trust me it works and you will be feeling great in no time.

You should seriously have fun and only stay at home for rest/sleep best be not alone most of the time

Its now been 2,5 weeks of no-contact and I'm feeling like crap. Today was bad, couldn't sleep, maybe slept like 1-2 hours, was exhausted at work because of that (maybe should get some sleeping pills to help). Having a lot of emotions also, good amount of hate, fear and sadness. Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary so it will be a difficult day also.
Went out with friends during the weekend, that was fun though. Trying to keep my spirits up by thinking postitive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SantasHelper

Its now been 2,5 weeks of no-contact and im feeling like crap. Today was bad, couldnt sleep, maybe slept like 1-2 hours, was exhausted at work because of that (maybe should get some sleeping pills to help). Having alot of emotions also, good amount of hate, fear and sadness. Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary so it will be a difficult day also.
Went out with friends during the weekend, that was fun tho. Trying to keep my spirits up by thinking postitive.

Wow. You are really putting yourself through hell. I guess you are enjoying feeling that way. Seriously! Yes you loved her, yes she's gone, now it is time to move on. I've told you that this is a choice. That may make you mad to hear but this is tough love time.

You are choosing to hate and fear and sadness. Me - I don't do that. I choose to have fun, keep my mind active, be around friends who I have fun with, smile, etc. When you have the choice of having a bad day or a good day, you are choosing to have a bad day. And I quote: "Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary so it will be a difficult day also."

How is it possible that before tomorrow has started you have already determined it is going to be a bad day? Wow - as for me I would never put myself through that. Yes bad things happen. But we are in control of how we handle those things and how we feel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SantasHelper

Its now been 2,5 weeks of no-contact and im feeling like crap. Today was bad, couldnt sleep, maybe slept like 1-2 hours, was exhausted at work because of that (maybe should get some sleeping pills to help). Having alot of emotions also, good amount of hate, fear and sadness. Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary so it will be a difficult day also.
Went out with friends during the weekend, that was fun tho. Trying to keep my spirits up by thinking postitive.

Is there a volunteer position you could apply for and get, like at an animal shelter or hospital or even a library? Learning a bunch of new tasks and getting to know new people and getting kisses from pups will help you begin to change your focus.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Wow. You are really putting yourself through hell. I guess you are enjoying feeling that way. Seriously! Yes you loved her, yes she's gone, now it is time to move on. I've told you that this is a choice. That may make you mad to hear but this is tough love time.

You are choosing to hate and fear and sadness. Me - I don't do that. I choose to have fun, keep my mind active, be around friends who I have fun with, smile, etc. When you have the choice of having a bad day or a good day, you are choosing to have a bad day. And I quote: "Tomorrow would have been our 5th year anniversary so it will be a difficult day also."

How is it possible that before tomorrow has started you have already determined it is going to be a bad day? Wow - as for me I would never put myself through that. Yes bad things happen. But we are in control of how we handle those things and how we feel.

Yesterday I was feeling a bit low, just came from the gym and today I'm feeling better. I understand what you are saying but its hard to control these emotions (its been only 2,5 weeks too). I miss her, although I have plenty of friends, she was my best friend, the closest person I had.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Is there a volunteer position you could apply for and get, like at an animal shelter or hospital or even a library? Learning a bunch of new tasks and getting to know new people and getting kisses from pups will help you begin to change your focus.

Good idea Wondergirl (I like your name :). I looked into it a little and a lot of different volunteer positions nearby. Ill try to make time from my busy schedule, going to the gym or swimming almost every day. Now I'm going to start boxing in January, wanted to do that for some time now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SantasHelper

Yesterday i was feeling a bit low, just came from the gym and today im feeling better. I understand what you are saying but its hard to control these emotions (its been only 2,5 weeks too). I miss her, althought i have plenty of friends, she was my best friend, the closest person i had.

Perfectly understandable. I get it. However look at what works and what doesn't work. Example:

1) Just came from the gym = I'm feeling better
2) Oh man I did something fun today = I'm feeling better
3) I'm exercising regularly = it really helps me feel better
4) Went out with friends during the weekend = that was fun
(these are all your words, not mine)

OR

1) Not exercising = concentrating on sadness and hate
2) Not doing something fun = concentrating on sadness and hate
3) Not going out with friends = concentrating on sadness and hate

I didn't say it was easy but you are in control. The good thing is it does get easier as you continue this. Nice job today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SantasHelper

Good idea Wondergirl (i like your name :)).

I used it when I registered for this site because I wonder a lot. Now I wish I had gone with the name I have on almost all other web sites. *sigh*

Be sure to keep me informed about the volunteering. That's one of my my areas of interest, had started our library volunteer program and managed it for 16 years until I retired.