Ask Me Help Desk - I love him but I cant get over the pain

I love him but I cant get over the pain

First I like to say sorry for such a long message, I really need some advice...

I have been with my partner for seven years! We were very happy at first and then he started to lie, at first he lied about silly things to impress, like, how many girls he had slept with, what he had done, money etc, had had a lot of money problems and problems woth drugs in the past and stealing money too! He lies so badly, he will lie on top of lies, just to convince you his lie is true!

He confessed eventually, but then continued to lie, about the amount of porn he had (A LOT!) lied about money, things he had done. He said sorry again and I took him back, he says he loves me more than anything! He has told some bad lies. He then went on to steal thousands of pounds off his parents, he was in a bad place and said he didn't know what he was doing!

That happened about two years ago. The lies continued! Lies on top of lies. We got through it, now he lies about porn, lies about stories and says he is trying to stop and he loves me and the past is the past! I am finding it hard to trust him as every time I do he lies.

We live together now, it has been only a few months and I don't know what to do! I can't trust him but I love him a lot and he says I am everything to him! I still have a problem with the porn and I wonder when he is lying and how he is doing with money! Living together has just brought all the lies, stealing etc to the forefront of mind!

I do not know what to do! I love him and without him, I feel like no one else would love me as much as he does and that I would never find someone else and what would I do and how would I cope. I don't want to make the wrong choice! I would be so grateful for any advice.

I made paragraphs so your question and the background are easier to read -- then also to make sure others will read it and give you advice.

How old are the two of you?

Why are you so down on yourself to think that he is the best you can do? It seems like you are a good writer and express yourself well (despite the lack of caps and puntuation) and have this situation pretty well figured out. Lift yourself up (not drag yourself down)!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I made paragraphs so your question and the background are easier to read -- then also to make sure others will read it and give you advice.

How old are the two of you?

Why are you so down on yourself to think that he is the best you can do? It seems like you are a good writer and express yourself well (despite the lack of caps and puntuation) and have this situation pretty well figured out. Lift yourself up (not drag yourself down)!!!!!!

Thank you! Also thank you for making paragraphs for me, sorry about my caps and spelling!
I am 26 years old and he is 33.
I just feel like I will never find anyone who loves me as much as he does and I feel that I won't be able to find someone who understands me and would not cheat on me. I don't know why. He says he loves me more than anything, but has done a lot wrong!
Very confused!

Okay, how about this? Take him to a good, well-recommended couples counselor for, say, four sessions (to start with). I'm wondering why he has to lie, and especially lie about his lies to keep the fiction going. (One lie leads to another, as we all know.)

Maybe this counseling will do both of you a favor -- get to the root of why he lies (where did he learn that defense mechanism and why does he use it?), figure out strategies to counteract and avoid it (the truth is usually really okay), and meanwhile help your relationship with each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Okay, how about this? Take him to a good, well-recommended couples counselor for, say, four sessions (to start with). I'm wondering why he has to lie, and especially lie about his lies to keep the fiction going. (One lie leads to another, as we all know.)

Maybe this counseling will do both of you a favor -- get to the root of why he lies (where did he learn that defense mechanism and why does he use it?), figure out strategies to counteract and avoid it (the truth is usually really okay), and meanwhile help your relationship with each other.

Thank you for your advice! I think that would be good. He has had counseling before and it roots from him feeling crap within himself and lying because it's the easier option for him. Do you think it is okay to forgive all that? Stealing, porn, lies and everything?

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Originally Posted by Jadedominque

Thank you for your advice! I think that would be good. He has had counseling before and it roots from him feeling crap within himself and lying because its the easier option for him. Do you think it is okay to forgive all that? Stealing, porn, lies and everything?

Of course, it's okay to forgive, but I would probably make the forgiveness part of the counseling -- not because of it but as part of it, as the two of you find out why he needs to lie and then he works out strategies for NOT lying.

Wonder why the crap feeling. Bet it is something left from how he was parented.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Of course, it's okay to forgive, but I would probably make the forgiveness part of the counseling -- not because of it but as part of it, as the two of you find out why he needs to lie and then he works out strategies for NOT lying.

Wonder why the crap feeling. Bet it is something left from how he was parented.

Thank you for your help and advice! I will try that and see what happens.
Thank you :)

It is hard to believe a liar and then the fact that he has stolen money from his family. I don't know that I could deal with that. I don't think I could trust him not to steal from me or put me in a position that maybe criminal, especially now that he's living with you.
Being in love is one thing but putting yourself in shaky situations is another. You may love him but he is not an ideal person.
Why do you not feel you deserve better?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

It is hard to believe a liar and then the fact that he has stolen money from his family. I don't know that I could deal with that. I don't think I could trust him not to steal from me or put me in a position that maybe criminal, especially now that he's living with with you.
Being in love is one thing but putting yourself in shaky situations is another. You may love him but he is not an ideal person.
Why do you not feel you deserve better?

Hi :)
I just feel like no one will love me like he does. That what if the next guy is worse? And just feel like I don't want to make a mistake.
His parents forgive him, They cover things up. I thought I understood, but now Im not too sure if I do

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Originally Posted by Jadedominque

I just feel like no one will love me like he does. That what if the next guy is worse?

What if the next guy is better?

Quote:

His parents forgive him, They cover things up.

Covering up and sliding over the problem is not forgiving.

Why settle for this because you are afraid of not having something better?
This is not a good situation and you don't stay in a bad situation just because you don't think you can't have better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What if the next guy is better?

Covering up and sliding over the problem is not forgiving.

That is true. I never thought of it like that. I guess I am just finding it hard as its been seven years of never really being apart

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Why settle for this because you are afraid of not having something better?
This is not a good situation and you don't stay in a bad situation just because you don't think you can't
have better.

I think I stay because I have known it this way for so long, that I can't imagine another way and I don't know how to break it

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jadedominque

I think I stay because I have known it this way for so long, that I can't imagine another way and I dont know how to break it

It's like putting on that old comfortable pair of slippers that have holes in the toes and the soles are worn out. It's what you know rather than having to go out to buy, pick out, and break in new slippers.

Methinks it's time for new slippers.

Yep, time for a new pair of slippers.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Yep, time for a new pair of slippers.

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! We'll help you find some cute fuzzy ones with little kittens or puppies on them.

well its natural for men to love and value porn you just have to understand that it is a part of him just like how his phone is a part of him

He has a bigger problem than porn. He is a compulsive liar

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Yep, time for a new pair of slippers.

I am so scared of finding new slippers! I would not even know how to go about it. I feel so involved in him, his family and everything :/

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! We'll help you find some cute fuzzy ones with little kittens or puppies on them.

Although saying that, these slippers sound pretty cute!