Ask Me Help Desk - Why the sudden change?

I’ve been dating a woman that I really like for about six months. We had an instant, very strong attraction, and the relationship progressed quickly. She would send me hand-written letters singing my praises. I have a small stack of “evidence” in my drawer.

The physical side was also fantastic. I would tease her about how she must be faking it, but she insisted that she wasn’t.

Lately we’ve been having some communication issues. Her old boyfriend from a couple years ago had treated her badly, and she was finding it hard to open up to me. This led to some arguments of the “What’s wrong? Nothing” sort.

We’ve both also been under a lot of stress with work and other commitments. Between the two of us, I would be the one to get more frustrated that we couldn’t seem to find any time to spend together. I told her that I didn’t blame her and that I don’t expect to be her sole priority. We both have lots of demands on our time. I did say that I missed her and that I was looking forward to when our schedules wouldn’t be quite so hectic. She thanked me for my kindness and patience and wondered why I put up with her.

Three weeks ago, she sent another letter, telling me how much she cared about me and reaffirming her commitment to the relationship. But then a week after that, she said she needed space. This took me completely by surprise. She went from not being able to picture her life without me to not wanting me in her life at all.

She says she loves me. I asked her twice face to face, and she said yes both times. But she also says that there are no guarantees. She misses her girlfriends, and she’s looking forward to seeing her family over the holidays, but beyond that, she says, she just doesn’t know. The thing is, I don’t have a problem with her spending time with her girlfriends or seeing her family over the holidays. I never did. So this doesn’t sound like a real reason to me.

I’m 99% sure that there’s not another guy in the picture, which is making this situation all the more frustrating. I don’t know what happened that made her change her mind so completely in such a short amount of time. If it was something I did, I’m willing to work on it. I’ve told her as much, but it doesn’t seem to help.

So I’m giving her the space that she asked for, but it’s very hard for me right now. I come from the school of “you don’t take breaks.” You’re either together or you’re not. If there’s a problem, you work through it as partners. You don’t leave the other person hanging. I’m trying to be understanding of her, but I have feelings, too, and it doesn’t seem like she’s looking out for mine the way I’m trying to look out for hers.

Insight and suggestions, please?

Its seens your woman is in a dilema.from my Point of view,it seems there is another Guy she has fallen for hence her behaviour.it hurts being in love alone,sometimes words are not enough from a loved onê.either together or not.I agree with you.but push it if she wants spacrgive her but it will, only be to her advantage because Shell have the time to decide between you or him.all the excuses shez giving are Lame.talking from experience

There may not be anyone else. In fact, there's a good chance there isn't, if you don't think that the reason.

My guess, is that the last letter was a last gasp attempt to convince herself that the relationship is still good, and something she wants. Now, she's trying to work up the courage (and possibly figure out how) to end things.

Sit down with her. Be honest. Explain your worries and impressions. Ask her if she's rethinking the relationship. Don't try to persuade or guilt her into staying (that will only prolong the inevitable).

If she does want to end things, then let her. If not, then maybe there's something else going on in her life that she needs to deal with on her own. Family/friend illness/issues, problems at work, possible pregnancy, financial problems, health problems, and pretty much anything else highly stressful can have someone distancing themselves from anyone they don't feel ready/willing to share their concerns with. If that's the case, then she may just need the space to think without the distraction of worrying about maintaining a relationship. Some time and space to think may be all she needs before coming back. Just don't pressure her into talking before she's ready, or she might decide to just end things.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

My guess, is that the last letter was a last gasp attempt to convince herself that the relationship is still good, and something she wants. Now, she's trying to work up the courage (and possibly figure out how) to end things.

Sit down with her. Be honest. Explain your worries and impressions. Ask her if she's rethinking the relationship. Don't try to pursuade or guilt her into staying (that will only prolong the inevitable).

Thanks for the thoughtful reply.

We talked about it twice already. The first time was when it first came up. She wanted space with no guarantees, and I said that I'd like to try to avoid that. Then she said she needs to back off a little, take it slower, roll with the punches better, that sort of thing. I said good idea, I agree completely, let's do it like that for a while. Our schedules are still at odds, so we have some built-in space from each other already.

We did spend about an hour together last Saturday, just talking about indifferent things. She was really uncomfortable, though, and I ended up doing two thirds of the talking. I walked her to her car, we kissed, and she put her hand on my chest, which I took as a good sign.

I sent her an email the next day saying don't worry, we can get through this, and in her reply she was back to the "no guarantees." This led to the second conversation. I asked her what she wants, and she said that she honestly doesn't know. I said all right, all I can do at this point is give you space. We haven't been in contact since.

She says she loves me. That's one thing. We had made plans for December that she still wanted to follow through with. That's another thing (although now I think I should just eat those plans). But at the same time, in my experience, "I don't know" is the same as "no."

I'm having a hard time understanding where she is right now and what she's going through. There's not much I can do with "I don't know," if that's what she really means. My way of coping and dealing with problems seems to be completely different than hers. In situations like this, I try to put myself in the other person's shoes, but in this case the shoes don't fit.

It sounds like she's distancing herself to make a break up easier. If it was something outside the relationship she was working on, she probably wouldn't have used a phrase like, 'no guarantees.'

A hand on your chest might have been a distancing measure. Not only does it prevent you from being as close, because her arm's in the way, but it also makes it easier to push you away (or keep you from moving closer). Yes, it can be a loving gesture, but it doesn't sound like that's the mindset she's in.

If she wants space, then you should just cancel any standing plans unless she gives you a really good reason not to. It's very possible that she doesn't want to end things before then, and either leave you hanging or create awkwardness.

Telling her that you think it would be unfair to you both to keep any future plans until she's sure of where the relationship stands, might push her to a decision. Either she'll realize she doesn't want to lose you, or that she's out of excuses to stay. Either way, not being held in limbo will probably be a relief.

I agree with you on the "don't take breaks" philosophy. To me, what does someone need to take a break from? It's not like being with you is an arduous hike through the mountains or something - you should be an asset and comfort to her. If she needs a break from the asset and comfort of having you in her corner, she's the wrong girl for you.

Her failure to tell you what's wrong can also be kind of a passive-aggressive behavior and personally I see it as a big red flag. I was in a marriage with a person who did this and found that he had a lot of upsets related to our relationship but instead of working through them with me, he expected me to somehow "just know". By the time I figured out what he could have just told me, he was too frustrated to even let me try. I found it very controlling and lost respect for him, so it was a really unhealthy dynamic.

I would move on. You sound like a terrific guy and there will be a girl who's a bit more communicative and mature for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hheath541

It sounds like she's distancing herself to make a break up easier.

Yeah, you could be right. I do think I'm going to give her some space, though. She's out of town until later this month. I'll check in with her after she gets back. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Her failure to tell you what's wrong can also be kind of a passive-aggressive behavior and personally I see it as a big red flag.

Yeah, you're right. She knew it was an issue, and she said that she really wanted to work on it for the sake of the relationship. I said that I can try other things, too, like instead of coming out and asking her what's wrong, trying to read between the lines a little better. But yeah, I'm definitely not a mind reader. (Also I'm a guy, so that's strike one right there.) It would be so much easier for me to hear it in words. Anyway, we never really got a chance to test it out. One week she's all in, the next week it's no guarantees.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

I would move on. You sound like a terrific guy and there will be a girl who's a bit more communicative and mature for you.

Thank you for saying so. I'm sorry that you ran into some of the same issues with your marriage. I hope it got better for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TryTo

Yeah, you're right. She knew it was an issue, and she said that she really wanted to work on it for the sake of the relationship. I said that I can try other things, too, like instead of coming out and asking her what's wrong, trying to read between the lines a little better. But yeah, I'm definitely not a mind reader. (Also I'm a guy, so that's strike one right there.) It would be so much easier for me to hear it in words. Anyway, we never really got a chance to test it out. One week she's all in, the next week it's no guarantees.

Thank you for saying so. I'm sorry that you ran into some of the same issues with your marriage. I hope it got better for you.

Trying to read minds is exasperating and tiresome. If she wants to be understood and for her preferences/feelings/thoughts to be considered, it's her own responsibility to voice them, not yours to play 20 questions or guess.

And thank you - things did get better for me. I'm single but I learned something. It's far less lonely to be alone than it is to be in an empty relationship. I have never felt so alone in my life than when I was married, in the supposedly most committed relationship of my life.