Ask Me Help Desk - I want to forgive my parents but I can't.

I want to forgive my parents but I can't.

My parents raised me and my sister using spankings. Althogh my sister have no problem with this today I have difficult to forgive my parents for spanking me. Beside the terrible stinging and pain it was incredibly humiliating, particularly when I grew older. Putting the spankings aside they did give us both lot of love and care. But due to the spankings (some were more terrible than other) I have very difficult forgiving them. It left a scar that I always will carry with me. I do want to love my parents and I do want to be able to forgive them. Will I be able to do this? Anyone else who have difficult to forgive the spankings? How do you cope with it?

How old are you now?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How old are you now?

I'm 29.

First, let's go back in history a bit and puzzle this out. Why did your parents use spankings as a discipline?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

First, let's go back in history a bit and puzzle this out. Why did your parents use spankings as a discipline?

Well, obviously they believd in it. I am not sure why though.

Were they spanked or even beaten when they were growing up? (That was often the easy way to discipline back then.)

It is a normal method of punishment for kids, why is it bothering you? At 29, a large majority of kids were given spankings when they did not behave properly.

Sorry but this to me is just silly, if it is a issue, then perhaps counseling.

While too many liberal ( I will not use a word progressive) seem to think it is wrong, it is a very Biblical, and very good method of correcting a child when they misbehave when done correctly.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Were they spanked or even beaten when they were growing up? (That was often the easy way to discipline back then.)

Yes, they were. In particular my mother was raised very strictly.

Actually, it isn't Biblical, but a verse is interpreted that way.

Were/Are your parents religious?

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is a normal method of punishment for kids, why is it bothering you? At 29, a large majority of kids were given spankings when they did not behave properly.

Sorry but this to me is just silly, if it is a issue, then perhaps counseling.

While too many liberal ( I will not use a word progressive) seem to think it is wrong, it is a very Biblical, and very good method of correcting a child when they misbehave when done correctly.

I guess there can be some differences in the degree of severity and humiliation, right? If the spankings had been less severe maybe I would feel different.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Actually, it isn't Biblical, but a verse is interpreted that way.

Were/Are your parents religious?

Yes, they are.

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

Yes, they were. In particular my mother was raised very strictly.

So this method of discipline was all they knew, and they decided it had worked for them (they turned out to be good adults), so it certainly would be a good thing to spank their children.

AND no one had ever taught them a gentler or more reasonable way to discipline a child. Right?

Are we on the same page so far, you and I?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

So this method of discipline was all they knew, and they decided it had worked for them (they turned out to be good adults), so it certainly would be a good thing to spank their children.

AND no one had ever taught them a gentler or more reasonable way to discipline a child. Right?

Are we on the same page so far, you and I?

They did became good adults, yes, but also the methods of raisining with spankings had also started to be criticized. I know they did reject any thoughts of trying other methods for raising children.

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

They did became good adults, yes, but also the methods of raisining with spankings had also started to be criticized. I know they did reject any thoughts of trying other methods for raising children.

And that was (and still is) true pretty much throughout the Christian community (I'm guessing religious = Christian), and especially among parents in the fundamentalist/conservative Christian community. Why throw out what works?

We are still together, you and I?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

And that was (and still is) true pretty much throughout the Christian community (I'm guessing religious = Christian), and especially among parents in the fundamentalist/conservative Christian community. Why throw out what works?

We are still together, you and I?

Does it work if it leads to that the child loses the love and faith for the parents?
But OK, they didn't know this was going to happen. However they did know that spanikng became subject for criticism and they did never stop and think if there were reasons for the criticism or not.

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

Does it work if it leads to that the child loses the love and faith for the parents?

I too was spanked as a child and finally, once I understood why and the historical/religious reason for spanking, I was able to forgive my mom (who did all the spanking). Plus, she and her sibs had been beaten with a belt (in the name of Jesus), so I figured she must have softened by the time she had kids. A friend used to put a dot on the wall at her child's eye level, and he had to stand on tiptoes with his nose pressed to that dot for however long his mom demanded. If he couldn't manage the dot punishment, worse would happen. Corporal punishment (spankings, slaps, palms whacked with rulers) were the norm in religious schools (and may even be today). I know this is/was true in Lutheran schools, since I had been a student and later was a teacher.

So what will help you forgive?

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

But ok, they didn't know this was going to happen. However they did know that spanikng became subject for criticism and they did never stop and think if there were reasons for the criticism or not.

If the Bible was their guiding light and they believed that the Bible supports spankings, then no matter what the psychologists or parenting community says, your parents (religious parents) would dismiss any other discipline as just another modern fad.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I too was spanked as a child and finally, once I understood why and the historical/religious reason for spanking, I was able to forgive my mom (who did all the spanking). Plus, she and her sibs had been beaten with a belt (in the name of Jesus), so I figured she must have softened by the time she had kids. A friend used to put a dot on the wall at her child's eye level, and he had to stand on tiptoes with his nose pressed to that dot for however long his mom demanded. If he couldn't manage the dot punishment, worse would happen. Corporal punishment (spankings, slaps, palms whacked with rulers) were the norm in religious schools (and may even be today). I know this is/was true in Lutheran schools, since I had been a student and later was a teacher.

So what will help you forgive?

This is what I am looking for, an answer to what can help me forgive (trust me, I want to). Perhaps I was spanked more severely than you were, I don't know but let me tell about what I went through:
- They did spank me until age 16, always on naked buttocks. The humiliation of being spanked over parents knees at this age is just incredible.
- They did spank me in front of another girl once when I was 14.
- Although most spankings were given with hand or wooden hairbrush, a few spankings were given with a birch rod and I can tell you this stings billion of times more than a spanking given with hand or hairbrush. Also it leaves marks that lasts for more than a week. Even if their daughter peed her pants of fear when seeing the birch rod this didn't stop them from whipping her buttocks until she couldn't sit.

If they had stopped spankings at lower age, if the spankings were less severe and not given on bare buttocks I may not have had any problems att all with spankings. But these memories have left a scar that I don't know how to overcome.

I think you are being unduly influenced by a school of thought that says corporal punishment is bad. The problem is not your parents, they did no wrong. They loved you and part of that love was disciplining you when you did wrong. They chose a form of discipline that was socially acceptable at the time you were a child. It was only towards the end of your childhood that it became less socially acceptable and there is still considerable debate about that.

In my opinion the problem lies with you and YOU need to get over it. You may need professional help to get over it, but its your issue. Not theirs. If corporal punishment had not become socially unacceptable (at least in some circles) then you would not have these feelings.

Do you have children? If so, how do you discipline them?