Hi,

I need some opinions here. My girlfriend is 28 and we have been together for almost a year now and at the beginning of our relationship she would not kiss, hug or even touch me when her dad was around. I would get a very uncomfortable feeling from her when he would see us together. When he would come around she would intentionally move a little further away from me. I mentioned this to her a few times and it became a little better over time. Tonight her dad came to visit us as he lives out of town and I myself have only met him a handfull of times. I have noticed every time that he is around he is very touchy feely with my girlfriend (his daughter) What I mean by this is he rubs her back while standing behind her. Rubs her hand lightly with his. Kisses her on the face and back of the neck more than a few times each visit. Tonight I caught him staring at her while she was looking the other way...

Does anybody else find this to be wrong? What should I be doing?

Highly concerned.

There was a day when just being in the same room with her alone would have been shocking. You need to get over trying to prove your alpha status with your girlfriend. If she is comfortable with the situation and its how her family is then its not your right to change it. How long have you been together and when are you getting married ?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by califdadof3

There was a day when just being in the same room with her alone would have been shocking. You need to get over trying to prove your alpha status with your girlfriend. If she is comfortable with the situation and its how her family is then its not your right to change it. How long have you been together and when are you getting married ?

---

As I stated we have been together for a year... There are no plans to get married. As to your reply. She doesn't seem 'comfortable with it'... When he kisses her she walks away and then within minutes he follows her... Im not trying to 'prove alpha status', the whole thing just seems very odd to me.

Thanks for your reply

What has she said about it? If she is not making a big deal of it then your certainly not going to get anywhere with it. The ball is in her court. Also don't force the issue as that only pushs her away. You need to learn to accept that what you can't change and deal with what you can. A father daughter relationship can last well beyong what you may or may not have. You need to be careful with all of this. And yes you should be thinking about marriage if your already shacking up.

I'm going to chime in and say that it seems akward to me.

Perhaps it is because my father and I don't communicate like that. I love my father and would do anything for him, but I do not show affection like that with him and vice versa. Now, I am not saying that showing affection is bad, I just don't agree with her father rubbing her from behind. That, to me, seems like something lovers would do. Not a father to his grown daughter.

That's just me though. Others may not agree with me and that's OK. I just think it seems odd.

You do have to be careful as this is a touchy subject and what you may be insinuating may be detrimental to your relationship.

Is he always like that with her?

I totally agree with Enigma completely!

While my husband and my daughter have a very, VERY close relationship, it doesn't border on anything like this. Kissing on the neck, etc. is almost sexual in nature.

My husband and my daughter have a close relationship to the point of some people being uncomfortable, but there is little physical between them.

Communication is the key in any relationship. Have you talked to her about this? Have you asked her if she is as uncomfortable with his seemingly advances as she appears to be to you?

However, on the flip side of the coin, she may have a very close relationship with him to the point of showing affection towards you while in his presence is uncomfortable to her.

I have to say, most of what the OP said, doesn't shock me. My family is a very huggy kissy family. Until the day he died I would hug and kiss my dad. I'd do the same with my mom. To this day, when I go to my Aunts house for Christmas dinner, or other occasions, I hug her, and my Uncle, and kiss them both. Maybe it's a German thing, or just an Alty family thing. My kids 10 and 14, both still hug and kiss me, and my husband. I don't think that will ever change. That's just who we are.

The only part that bothers me is the kissing on the neck. That's a sexual thing. That's not something you do to your child. That part gives me the creeps, and I'm used to people that show affection by hugging and kissing. So you, I think that would be a reason to be concerned.

My family is the same way Alty. At 44 I still kissed my mother AND my father on the lips. We are a very physical family. My son, at age 10, still sleeps with me and my husband on occasion and my daughter, age 19, doesn't have a problem pulling out a cot in our bedroom to watch movies till morning light.

I DO have a problem with some of the intimacy that the OP describes here, though.

At the end of the day we can speculate all we want, but until the OP discusses his concerns with his girlfriend, we can only assume that there is more or less to this story.

I would, though, like to hear the outcome of the discussion between the OP and the girlfriend.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

I'm going to chime in and say that it seems akward to me.

Perhaps it is because my father and I don't communicate like that. I love my father and would do anything for him, but I do not show affection like that with him and vice versa. Now, I am not saying that showing affection is bad, I just don't agree with her father rubbing her from behind. That, to me, seems like something lovers would do. Not a father to his grown daughter.

That's just me though. Others may not agree with me and that's ok. I just think it seems odd.

You do have to be careful as this is a touchy subject and what you may be insinuating may be detrimental to your relationship.

Is he always like that with her?

---

Thank you! I agree with everything you said, but I had to post it here and see what reactions I got. The answer to your question is YES, he is always very touchy feely with her... I kept an eye out for it tonight and I know she felt uncomfortable about it to because when he would do it she would immediately move away from him and come over and hug or kiss me... I might be wrong, but to me it felt like she was trying to find protection away from him... Like I said though, I might be wrong on that. I watched him when he was getting ready to leave and his eyes scanned down and he looked at her butt for more than 5 or 6 seconds... I saw him do it, but he didn't see me see him. Something else that I have noticed is that I have never seen him kiss or hug his own wife (my girlfriends mother) So the idea that they are a 'touchy feely' family seems like a wrong one to me. I will mention my concerns about this to her once I find the way to do it... It's not exactly easy to do. I mean how do you start that conversation? Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your advice.

It's not an easy conversation to start. Basically you'd be asking her if her father ever did anything inappropriate, or if she feels uncomfortable with her own father.

When you talk to her make sure that she doesn't feel that you're upset about it. Be calm, listen, and let her do the talking. If there is something going on, or there was something going on when she was younger, she needs to know that you're not going to be spooked by it, or angry about it. Supportive, no matter what she ends up telling you.

Thanks for the great advice. I would never be angry at her if something did happen. She would have been a child and would have carried no blame for any of it all. My only question to myself now is ; How do I bring it up in conversation? It's something I will wrestle with for a while before I know the words I will need to use, and in the proper time to use them. Thank you for your kind words.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unoconcerned

Thanks for the great advice. I would never be angry at her if something did happen. She would have been a child and would have carried no blame for any of it all. My only question to myself now is ; How do I bring it up in conversation? It's something I will wrestle with for a while before I know the words I will need to use, and in the proper time to use them. Thank you for your kind words.

---

I think your best bet would be to sit her down and tell her what you've seen, and how it makes you feel. Make it seem like it's your issue, something you've noticed that makes you feel weird. Ask her if it's just your imagination, because you're getting the creeps about it, and you feel like she is too.

Ask her if there's a reason for the way you feel, but make sure that before you do that, you make sure she knows how much you care about her, and that you're not judging her.

It's a tricky conversation. I won't lie, there's really no way to go about it that won't end with you coming right out and asking if her father has molested her. Sadly, things like this aren't easy. But, you can soften the blow.

I'm sure you'll figure it out. She's lucky to have someone like you that cares so much about her.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck. :)

How about...

"Jane, you seem to feel uncomfortable when you are together with me and your father. I notice he does some things that make you feel uncomfortable, like when he kisses you on the neck (add your own observations here). Is there anything I can do to make our time together less stressful for you?"

Let her lead the conversation from there.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unoconcerned

Thank you! I agree with everything you said, but I had to post it here and see what reactions I got. The answer to your question is YES, he is always very touchy feely with her... I kept an eye out for it tonight and I know she felt uncomfortable about it to because when he would do it she would immediately move away from him and come over and hug or kiss me... I might be wrong, but to me it felt like she was trying to find protection away from him... Like I said though, I might be wrong on that. I watched him when he was getting ready to leave and his eyes scanned down and he looked at her butt for more than 5 or 6 seconds... I saw him do it, but he didn't see me see him. Something else that I have noticed is that I have never seen him kiss or hug his own wife (my girlfriends mother) So the idea that they are a 'touchy feely' family seems like a wrong one to me. I will mention my concerns about this to her once I find the way to do it... It's not exactly easy to do. I mean how do you start that conversation? Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your advice.

---

This is just an idea on how I would approach the situation...

You could start by saying, " I really enjoy your family! They seem like very nice and affectionate people. I can really tell you father is very much interested in your life. It would be nice if more parents were like yours...."

Then you can see what faces she makes or gestures. If she rolls hers eyes to that, then that is a good time to question her.

You want to remain casual about the whole thing. Try not to jump to conclusions, because as Alty has mentioned, they may just be a touchy feeling family, and you don't want to offend.

However, it seems like he has this infatuation towards his daughter. The stares, the rubbing and kissing does not sit well with me. Also, the fact he is not affectionate with his wife concerns me.

I for one, do not think you are making this all up.

Does she have sisters? If so, have you seen him interacting with them? Have you seen him interact with any other females, other than your girlfriend and her mother?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Alty

I think your best bet would be to sit her down and tell her what you've seen, and how it makes you feel. Make it seem like it's your issue, something you've noticed that makes you feel weird. Ask her if it's just your imagination, because you're getting the creeps about it, and you feel like she is too.

Ask her if there's a reason for the way you feel, but make sure that before you do that, you make sure she knows how much you care about her, and that you're not judging her.

It's a tricky conversation. I won't lie, there's really no way to go about it that won't end with you coming right out and asking if her father has molested her. Sadly, things like this aren't easy. But, you can soften the blow.

I'm sure you'll figure it out. She's lucky to have someone like you that cares so much about her.

Let us know how it goes.

Good luck. :)

---

Thank you. I will do this as soon as I am sure I won't swallow my own tongue in the process.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

This is just an idea on how I would approach the situation...

You could start out by saying, " I really enjoy your family! They seem like very nice and affectionate people. I can really tell you father is very much interested in your life. It would be nice if more parents were like yours...."

Then you can see what faces she makes or gestures. If she rolls hers eyes to that, then that is a good time to question her.

You want to remain casual about the whole thing. Try not to jump to conclusions, because as Alty has mentioned, they may just be a touchy feeling family, and you don't want to offend.

However, it seems like he has this infatuation towards his daughter. The stares, the rubbing and kissing does not sit well with me. Also, the fact he is not affectionate with his wife concerns me.

I for one, do not think you are making this all up.

Does she have sisters? If so, have you seen him interacting with them? Have you seen him interact with any other females, other than your girlfriend and her mother?

---

Thank you! At first I thought I was being weird, but the more time that went by the more I felt like it wasn't me overreacting... She has no other sisters and I haven't been around him enough to see how he is around other females.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by unoconcerned

Thank you! At first I thought I was being weird, but the more time that went by the more I felt like it wasn't me overreacting... She has no other sisters and I haven't been around him enough to see how he is around other females.

---

You could also ask why he is not as affectionate with her mother as he is with her...

Quote:

---

You could also ask why he is not as affectionate with her mother as he is with her...

---

That would work, but my husband is more affectionate with my daughter than his is with me. It's nothing sexual in nature, but more protective towards his daughter.

They have a very tight knit relationship almost to the point of me feeling uncomfortable around them at times. But not sexually. And in the same sentence my son and I have a relationship similar to theirs.

Daddy's girl... Mommy's boy sort of thing.

I cannot reiterate that we can only assume what is going on here until the OP and his GF actually talk it out.

I am saddened that anyone would tell this guy to get over his "alpha status". That can be the case, but obviously is NOT what this guy is saying. I would HIGHLY suspect that this father daughter relationship is not normal and that the father very likely was and still is inappropriate with his daughter and that she is totally uncomfortable around him. More than likely she has never gotten over whatever her father has done to her and now her boyfriend is feeling the effects of possibly years of abuse to his girlfriend by her father. I think most people are really unaware of the devastating effects of sexual abuse and how often this occurs by fathers. I hope that you, the boyfriend have been able to support your girlfriend to either confront her dad regarding this inappropriate behaviour or just realise that she might continue to be very traumatised whenever she is around her dad. I am so sorry and really feel your discomfort and concerns, which I believe are very real.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by 1concernedmom

I am saddened that anyone would tell this guy to get over his "alpha status". that can be the case, but obviously is NOT what this guy is saying. I would HIGHLY suspect that this father daughter relationship is not normal and that the father very likely was and still is inappropriate with his daughter and that she is totally uncomfortable around him. More than likely she has never gotten over whatever her father has done to her and now her boyfriend is feeling the effects of possibly years of abuse to his girlfriend by her father. I think most people are really unaware of the devastating effects of sexual abuse and how often this occurs by fathers. I hope that you, the boyfriend have been able to support your girlfriend to either confront her dad regarding this inappropriate behaviour or just realise that she might continue to be very traumatised whenever she is around her dad. I am so sorry and really feel your discomfort and concerns, which I believe are very real.

---

Nobody is telling anyone to get over anything. In fact, most of us find it strange that her father is so touchy with her. As some have said before, there are families who are touchy, so instead of this guy throwing out accusations about her father, let him talk to her first. Get some facts.

Also, this thread is from 2012, odds are op has gotten the advice hr needed