My husband told me that I am not what he needs and he is not a what I want. He feels that am only married to him because it lets us have a certain lifestyle. His mother has always lived with us and I have never gotten along with her. I am not close to his sibling as well. He believes that I hate his family and want to erase them from our and our children's lives. He believes that if I loved him I would be cordial and respectful to them. I want to be honest with myself, get my ego out of the way , as I think about it I agree that I have been aloof an had arguments with his mother but consistently being disrespectful, I don't think I have done that. Anyway I know that she and anything she sees and perceives will always win over anything I say think or feel. I also know clearly that he will divorce me but her not living with us is not an option. Regardless my husband says that I have sabotaged him and always tried to hurt him. He wants no more if it. We have three small children.I don't want a divorce, I want to do everything I can to change myself to make sure their lives are not torn apart, but my husband does not believe I am capable of that and maybe I have given him reason to believe that. Anyway I am deeply hurt by all the pain and suffering he says I have caused him, because never in there is any mention of joy or happiness that I want to believe that I also brought into our marriage. I am a strong reasonably successful woman and this has paralyzed me like nothing else. Maybe my husband is right there is no love between us, is that reason for a divorce? I die every at the thought of splitting our kids between us, what should I do?

Have you suggested marriage counseling to your husband? If not, ask him to go with you to try to mend your marriage and make it better.

Have you two thought about counseling? Perhaps you need an outside party to guide you two.

Yes, divorce can hurt, however, if he is not happy, then do you think that by staying with him, he will become happy? I'm guessing not. If he is not in love with you, then I don't see why you would want to stay.

I have three small children as well and I am divorced. My kids got over it. My two youngest have no recollection of us being together.

If you both can be the best parents you can be, then that's all that matters.

Plus, his mother is causing too much conflict, another thing you and I have in common. My situation was very similar to yours, which is why I can empathize with you.

I too am a pretty syrong and successful woman.

My divorce was the best thing that happened to me.

I know it seems hard, and I won't lie, it was for me, I too got over it.

Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your children will only cause more harm. For you, Your husband and kids.

It's a lot to chew on... That, I know.

The first two answers you received (and it appears that they were made totally independent of each other only minutes apart) advised counseling. I think that is exactly right.
You said: " as I think about it I agree that I have been aloof an had arguments with his mother but consistently being disrespectful, i don't think i have done that. " So, you are only disrespectful to his mother occasionally? Often? Intermittently? And we don't know any details about that admittedly but to many folks, any disrespect at any time directed at a parent, can cause a serious problem. And maybe it is impossible to be around this lady so much and not fight back at least once in a while.
There may be other issues in your marriage that rise to this same level but if you can't solve this one, and if she is going to continue to be in the picture for a long time I don't see much hope.
If you can't swallow your pride and treat her with respect all the time (and I am not necessarily saying you should- maybe I couldn't do it myself)-- but if you can't I don't think that things will get any better.
If she has always lived with you, you must have signed on for it at some point. Or if it was never discussed in great depth by you and your husband or if it was just to be a temporary arrangement which turned into permanent one, it is a fact of life now-- and if that is not acceptable to you, you will have to move on. How is the present arrangement any better for your children than other alternatives? If it is based on a choice between financial security and very iffy finances for you, you have to decide whether you can live with one or the other. You give no hint of your age bracket that I can latch onto so I don't know what-- " His mother has always lived with us "-- really means, but I think it would help us to know that.

I have a different take on this.

Your husband put you in a very difficult position by moving in his mother. It's never easy to have the MIL in your home, involved in your marriage. He set you up to fail, and instead of doing the right thing, moving his mother out of your home, he put all the blame on you.

I would suggest counseling, but I have to say that I don't think you'll ever be good enough to reach his standards. You could try, but you'd be miserable.

Divorce isn't only one persons fault, it takes two. You seem willing to do everything you can to save this marriage, but he's the one that made it difficult to begin with, and it doesn't sound like he's the type of person to meet you half way, he wants you to do all the work.