My grandmother has 3 dogs. She used to take good care of them and over the years has quit. I have cleaned up their poop, washed them, and cleaned her house as well (She won't do any of it) for the last 3 years. She leaves her dishes out until the next time I visit (She lives in another city about 3 hours from me) so they smell awful and I don't understand how she lives this way. She is not too old or sick to clean her house either. She is 61 and has enough energy to go for walks, put together shelves, dance, etc. I have finally become pregnant with my husband and I's first child. I quit cleaning dog feces at 6 weeks per the doctors orders. Now I am 3 months pregnant and my grandmother's upstairs is littered with dog poop! Her house smells TERRIBLE! There are poop smears on the downstairs carpets, her BED, EVERYWHERE! Her dishes have not been done for that last 2 months I have been away (had horrible morning sickness). There was mold on the dishes, mold on carpet, walls... the dogs had food and water thank god but there is rotton food in her fridge. She was offended when I ran to the bathroom to vomit when I walked in but dear god... it was like something from television! I tried to reason with her to clean up, that she and her dogs would get sick, but she started bawling saying "I dont love her" and that "I dont accept her the way she is, that I think she is a slob." I tried to gently tell her no I didn't and that I just wanted her to not get sick and she then cussed me out (unlike her!) and told me to leave! What should I do?? I am very worried about her health!

My grandmother has 3 dogs. She used to take good care of them and over the years has quit. I have cleaned up their poop, washed them, and cleaned her house as well (She wont do any of it) for the last 3 years. She leaves her dishes out until the next time I visit (She lives in another city about 3 hours from me) so they smell awful and I don't understand how she lives this way. She is not too old or sick to clean her house either. She is 61 and has enough energy to go for walks, put together shelves, dance, etc. I have finally become pregnant with my husband and I's first child. I quit cleaning dog feces at 6 weeks per the doctors orders. Now I am 3 months pregnant and my grandmother's upstairs is littered with dog poop! Her house smells TERRIBLE! There are poop smears on the downstairs carpets, her BED, EVERYWHERE! Her dishes have not been done for that last 2 months I have been away (had horrible morning sickness). There was mold on the dishes, mold on carpet, walls... the dogs had food and water thank god but there is rotton food in her fridge. She was offended when I ran to the bathroom to vomit when I walked in but dear god... it was like something from television! I tried to reason with her to clean up, that she and her dogs would get sick, but she started bawling saying "I dont love her" and that "I dont accept her the way she is, that I think she is a slob." I tried to gently tell her no I didn't and that I just wanted her to not get sick and she then cussed me out (unlike her!) and told me to leave! What should I do?? I am very worried about her health!

61 by today's standards is still young, but it appears that she is suffering mentally, could be early dementia, which doesn't respect age. You are going to have to get her to her doctor.

Let's start with the dogs. Get someplace else for them if possible. And since you can't always be around, you might consider getting her help or taking her over to your place. But you said she's your Gmom. What about your mum? And is it only the two of you? Also, you can contact the social welfare unit and seek further help. Your own health is also important especially now you are pregnant. I now you love her, but you should reach out for welfare.
And I think your Gmom also needs some kind of emotional or mental or even spiritual help with herself. She needs to be made to understand her present state. Cause something is definitely wrong somewhere. I hope this helps.

I tried to get her to go to a doctor. She gets really mad upset. Last time she tipped over her couch while crying about how no one here really loves or respects her. I don't have any idea of how to get a grown woman to listen and come to the doctor. Reasoning does not work but I don't want her to get sick. :/ Other than saying "I love you very much and I just want you happy and healthy in your own house with your dogs, so please lets just talk about what we can do together to make this a better place to live?" that just sets her off. What would you say? I am desperate and will try any approach

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Originally Posted by casmonas

Let's start with the dogs. Get someplace else for them if possible. And since you can't always be around, you might consider getting her help or taking her over to your place. But you said she's your Gmom. What about your mum? And is it only the two of you? Also, you can contact the social welfare unit and seek further help. Your own health is also important especially now you are pregnant. I now you love her, but you should reach out for welfare.
And I think your Gmom also needs some kind of emotional or mental or even spiritual help with herself. She needs to be made to understand her present state. Cause something is definitely wrong somewhere. I hope this helps.

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She gets suicidal when I mention the dogs living elsewhere... they are her "babies" she does things like whenever she gets a bowl of cereal... so do they... they're morbidly obese and she becomes violent with her words (and sometimes actions) when you even mention boarding them up for a few days to deep clean the house. My mother abandoned me when I was 12 to be with her husband and also disowned my Gmom for taking me in. Makes no sense... I know... Mom was a free spirit suppose. I have absolutely no money. I work part-time and my husband works at a factory, we make our bills well enough with maybe 50$ left over after all is paid (we have saved all 50$s for baby). If I do contact welfare... what will they do to her? :( I just want to make a good choice for her... but without them dogs she will be miserable (she openly admits she loves the dogs more than any person alive which is fine with me honestly)

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Originally Posted by BeautyFall

She gets suicidal when I mention the dogs living elsewhere...they are her "babies" she does things like whenever she gets a bowl of cereal...so do they...they're morbidly obese and she becomes violent with her words (and sometimes actions) when you even mention boarding them up for a few days to deep clean the house. My mother abandoned me when I was 12 to be with her husband and also disowned my Gmom for taking me in. Makes no sense...I know...Mom was a free spirit suppose. I have absolutely no money. I work part-time and my husband works at a factory, we make our bills well enough with maybe 50$ left over after all is paid (we have saved all 50$s for baby). If I do contact welfare....what will they do to her? :( I just want to make a good choice for her...but without them dogs she will be miserable (she openly admits she loves the dogs more than any person alive which is fine with me honestly)

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And she won't live with me either... she gets defensive about why... lol

Are you the only child or grandchild left alive? There's help in numbers. I think you should go there only with other family, and also be more blunt. When she said you think she is a slob, you should say yes, you are. Also tell her that she should know that when you are pregnant, you can't be around smells! Stop being so accommodating. She is pushing the envelope. I suspect that she feels abandoned by children and therefore is both punishing them and proving why they aren't around.

Most of us have seen those shows on TV, I think. Very few of the animal hoarders change as far as I could see, despite all sorts of therapists and help from the shows and family. Many have an undercurrent of defiant depression (if it isn't dementia), of shutting people out by having intolerable conditions, while still demanding that they accept the person the way he or she is.

On a less severe level, it is possible to ignore animal smell, because I did it myself last winter in a small apartment, before buying a house. No excrement, just smell of 1 cat and 1 dog, and people told me, but I didn't smell it until after I moved out and came back to clean. I gagged from the smell of a heavy blanket they slept on and that I had slept under. We see that on TV too, people gagging and wearing masks while the animal owner can't smell any of it. It's a mystery how that acceptance of smells can happen, but it does.

It sounds like the public health people need to be called in. She and the animals are going to get sick and even might die under those conditions. It also sounds like no one is able to get to a doctor/vet or counselor. There may be a social worker or counselor or even a vet who makes home visits.

Hopefully someone will merge your two threads. >Merged - WG< It's best if it's all under one, so that we all can see all responses, including yours. E.g. you answered one of mine here that I asked on the other one.
The super tough love approach is to call the dog warden and health dept at the same time, but only if you can accept the wrenching consequences to you and her, and her dogs.

The living conditions are unhealthy for her and for the dogs The dogs are morbidly obese and do not receive vet care, may be having puppies and be sick with who knows what. She is NOT taking good care of her babies AND herself. I say call the health department.

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Originally Posted by BeautyFall

She gets suicidal when I mention the dogs living elsewhere...they are her "babies" she does things like whenever she gets a bowl of cereal...so do they...they're morbidly obese and she becomes violent with her words (and sometimes actions) when you even mention boarding them up for a few days to deep clean the house. My mother abandoned me when I was 12 to be with her husband and also disowned my Gmom for taking me in. Makes no sense...I know...Mom was a free spirit suppose. I have absolutely no money. I work part-time and my husband works at a factory, we make our bills well enough with maybe 50$ left over after all is paid (we have saved all 50$s for baby). If I do contact welfare....what will they do to her? :( I just want to make a good choice for her...but without them dogs she will be miserable (she openly admits she loves the dogs more than any person alive which is fine with me honestly)

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She really does need help and fast. And psychologically too. Is she emotionally unstable?