Originally Posted by
dontknownuthin
It sounds like you are clinically depressed or may be bipolar like your father. You need to see a psychiatrist to get on some medication to take the edge off the depression, and need to go back to counseling. You need to realize that the counselor may not react strongly to what you say. They are not like your friend who's going to jump up with "Oh, my Gods!" and other such demonstrative responses, but rather are trying to focus on hearing what you have to say to understand and help you. They need to see you regularly over a period of time to be able to do that, and it doesn't usually feel like they are doing much. You are doing the work in talking through these things, and they are suposed to make observations and suggestions over time to help you redirect your thinking, etc.
You sound like a really bright person, so you know that this is not healthy and that your thoughts about being irrelevant and so on are not accurate. Right now you are learning what you need to know, and are doing well in school so your life is very worthwhile. It's all about building a future for yourself, and getting through school so you can turn around and use what you are learning to make a contribution to society. Until that happens, you are a contribution to your friends and family.
I have struggled with similar detrimental feelings and depression in the past. What worked for me was medication plus taking care of myself physically (taking care to make good food choices, drinking more water, cutting back on caffeine, avoiding alcohol, excercising regularly). I also went to counseling. I made plans with friends and make a point of always having something scheduled to look forward to whether a party I'm going to go to, a weekend trip with my family, a movie that's coming out that I'm going to see or whatever. If my friends and family are busy, or at times when I've been in a social "lull" when I haven't felt I had a lot of friends who were very available to me, I've sometimes made plans by myself. One year I decided I was going to hike every public trail in my county, which I did alone. It gave me a great sense of satisfaction to mark off each trail on the many maps I collected. Or I might go see a movie by myself - I am never the only single person there. Or I might buy a magazine or book and go out for lunch or dinner and just savor the experience. I have learned to love being alone. When I can include a friend, I do.
The other thing that helps a lot is that since I felt like I wasn't serving a purpose, I started serving a purpose. I signed up to help with a Habitat for Humanity build and worked on that several weekends and now I do it regularly. I helped a friend who was getting divorced with some paperwork because that's part of my profession. I have been helping another friend who has a hoarding problem to clean up her house. If you don't have people in your life who need help, if you are in college, there are opportunities everywhere to help. Even if you just pay $25 and go walk a 5K, that day you helped the sponsoring charity, did something for your health, and added to the numbers of people bringing attention to the focus of the event.
You have to, in some ways, "do" yourself out of bad feelings, fake it until you make it. Make yourself get up and take care with your appearance, make your bed, put some fruit or vegetables on your plate, go to the gym for an hour instead of watching television. Sign up for a charity instead of spending Saturday alone feeling bad about yourself. Some medication will help you so you will be able to do these things, then you have to make yourself overcome lingering reluctance.
You do matter, but are probably just not tapping into your full potential for your happiness, sociability, the value of your friendshiop, the value you pose to your family, or your usefulness to society. A counselor will help you change that tape in your head to a more appealing and positive tune, and you can move forward from this. Don't loose heart, just take this thing head-on. Mental illness is a lot like other illnesses in that you can get better, but you sometimes have to do something proactive like taking antibiotics, or getting rest or whatever, to overcome that illness.
