My 18 yr. old daughter is in her last year of high school. Her father (my ex- husband) died last year and since then she has been living with friends despite my numerous attempts to have her live with me and her younger brother and sister. She tells me that I cannot tell her what to do since she is "legally an adult". And if I forced her to live with me, she would "just run away'. She has been skipping school and only attending about twice a week. I called and spoke with the counselor at her school that tells me she can only talk to her and stress the importance of attending school and graduating. She is making very bad decisions...She is involved in a relationship with a 20 yr. old male, who is emotionally controlling of her which she replies, "He loves me and I love him"...She is over weight and does not take care of herself....She has also admitted to smoking pot on occassion. She tells me over and over again that she is an "adult" and I have no authority over what she does or does not do.
I struggle with the fact that she is still in high school and is making very bad decisions for herself. I feel helpless and I have already convinced her to seek therapy and actually set up an appointment for her which she agreed to go and did. Since then she has missed two appointments (no shows) so the therapist has cancelled any future sessions.
I am at a loss on what I may do legally as her mother to help her! She is spiralling downward and I can't sit back and watch. What can I do?

Unfortunately she is right. She is an adult and you no longer have any control over her. The only thing you can possibly do is appeal to the "friends" she is living with to help her get help.

You need to keep the lines of communication open, but you should not be financially supporting her in any way. If she claims she is an adult and on her own, then she has to support herself.

I know this is very hard on you, but you really have no choices here.

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Originally Posted by THERESE HUmphrey

My 18 yr. old daughter is in her last year of high school. Her father (my ex- husband) died last year and since then she has been living with friends despite my numerous attempts to have her live with me and her younger brother and sister. She tells me that I cannot tell her what to do since she is "legally an adult". And if I forced her to live with me, she would "just run away'. She has been skipping school and only attending about twice a week. I called and spoke with the counselor at her school that tells me she can only talk to her and stress the importance of attending school and graduating. She is making very bad decisions...She is involved in a relationship with a 20 yr. old male, who is emotionally controlling of her which she replies, "He loves me and I love him"...She is over weight and does not take care of herself....She has also admitted to smoking pot on occassion. She tells me over and over again that she is an "adult" and i have no authority over what she does or does not do.
I struggle with the fact that she is still in high school and is making very bad decisions for herself. I feel helpless and I have already convinced her to seek therapy and actually set up an appointment for her which she agreed to go and did. Since then she has missed two appointments (no shows) so the therapist has cancelled any future sessions.
I am at a loss on what I may do legally as her mother to help her! She is spiralling downward and I can't sit back and watch. What can I do?

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Im not a counsler however I can understand. My daughter is 18 years old and in her senior year of high school. I found out she is smoking and she stuck of it. I do not condone smoking and she knows it. Her grandfather just died because of smoking. Well my husband and I told her she can not live here and smoke so she took this as we kicked her out so she is now playing the victim. We did not kick her out we gave her choices. When she left her father said you leave with what you just packed. Well she called the next day and asked for her clothes back. He told her you got your clothes. She in return called the cops an idea from a mother who is interefereing on how we raise our daughter. And Her daughter. They came to my house yesterday and said I have to let her have her clothes and hygene. I can believe she did this. I told her fine however I wanted her cell phone her key to the house and garage controller and her gas card. She was so grown up she could pay for it all. Well this is new to us however she is out of the house and we have taken all of her finances that we do for her. So I can only hope she will see how much we do for her and come back home. She was excepted into college and we want her to granduate and go on to college stay at home and work and go to school to save money to go to college the next year. This is what I here to she is eighteen and can do what she wants. I hope the best for your situation. I can tell you I was 18 when I met my husband and we both were imature I also had my daughter at 20 and then one more. However I am with my same husband and he and I both did mature. My parents did not agree with my choices but they told me it was my life and I would have to live with the consequences however they were there if I needed them. So I guess for now give her her space and just let her know you do love her but you do not have to agree with what she is doing. And lots of prayers.
Good luck

Hi I am 18 so I thought I would try to help with this too I have not made the right choices at all I tured 18 in feb and the day after I found out I was pregnant I had moved out in jan because I thought I could handle what the world could through at me well I moved back in my mom house 2 day before I was 18 I did not know the real wrold was that hard I wish I had just stayed at home w/ my mom and would not be having this problemw/ how the hell am I suppost to raise a child when I can't even take care of myself but my mom told me if I would do what she said then I could come home so I am and I'm glad that I did for you kid just let her know that if she will chnge and stop doing the things you do not like then she can come home when she is ready she will do it and don't set and try to force her to come home because if you do it will just push her away more and I don't think that's what you want to do

Just keep loving her that's all you can do don't preach too much because that will only push her away but do still try to talk to her the bottom line is she is 18 and there's nothing you can do but love her! Hopefully she will find herself and grow out of her phase good luck it will be hard but this time will pass.

Thanks Lilly, I definitely agree with you. I am trying to do just that. Its so hard but I can only hope too that this phase will pass. I bite my lip every time I speak with her but tell her how much I love her. Never realized how hard the teen years really are but am learning for my next two kids.

Everyone has said some powerful things about a child turning into an adult and thinking they now own the world because of the magic "18". The posters are right - since your daughter wants to be the adult, she should assume all responsibilities of being that adult. I know it is tough to be the parent and watch this going on. When you stop funding her adulthood, she will have to grow up. Perhaps her 20 yr old boyfriend will not find it so much fun to be supporting her as you and your husband were supporting her.

Have courage that this will pass. There will come the day when you and your daughter will be able to talk without the fighting. Blessings to you and your family.

OMG... Never throw out your children!
Never put something like smoking above the safety of your child. What if she was raped tonight because she has nowhere to live just because she SMOKES! That doesn't make sense. I have three kids 19, 17 and 6. Children must be taught by their parents so why do we blame them when we didn't do such a good job.
Why take your kids clothes? Are you going to wear them? I can't stand people who give gifts only to try and take it back because they don't agree with you. What about the 20 yo boyfriend? Does he work? Go to school? Is he a good guy? Do you even know him? Give the guy a chance before you make a judgement call. He might even help calm things down some. The cell phone can save your life! Was she abusing her time constraints and costing more money or were you just wanting to find a way to hurt more. Why would you not want to be able to contact you daughter on her cell phone. Remember about safety first!

"Well my husband and I told her she can not live here and smoke so she took this as we kicked her out so she is now playing the victim. We did not kick her out we gave her choices. When she left her father said you leave with what you just packed. Well she called the next day and asked for her clothes back. He told her you got your clothes. She in return called the cops an idea from a mother who is interefereing on how we raise our daughter. and Her daughter. They came to my house yesterday and said I have to let her have her clothes and hygene. I can believe she did this."
I can't believe that you threw out your own daughter for smoking... Smoking is legal!
And why did you try to steal her clothing?? Bad parenting!

Here's how you fix it... are you ready... Dont do anything that will hurt your children's safety. Don't throw out your kids! If they smoke then make new rules.. NO SMOKING IN THE HOUSE. But don't throw them out.
My kids do things that I don't approve of. Bad girlfriends, bad grades, playing hooky, not doing chores... the list goes on. Find a kid who doesn't disobey sometimes. They all do it some of the time but we are the adults and we must find a solution that will work and we just might have to compromise some.
I would rather let my kid smoke and keep him safe and close so that I could continue to help persuade him to quit. I can't teach him that If I throw him out. And its my job to be a parent no matter what.

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Originally Posted by kencctt

OMG...Never throw out your children!
Never put something like smoking above the safety of your child. What if she was raped tonight because she has nowhere to live just because she SMOKES!

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Did you actually read the OP and the other responses? This daughter moved out. She claims she is aqn adult and can do what she wants. It was not about smoking, that was a small part of it. She wasn't kicked out, she left.

Hey Scott
Before you attack do some reading yourself. DID YOU READ ALL of my post?
Why are you so confused. Don't attack me unless you are ready for a fight. I have my opinions and that is my right. You people seem to want to tell everybody what to do... get a life.

Yes, I read all of your post. I'm not confused though it appears you are. Nor am I trying to start a fight. The regulars who answer questions here take pride in the quality and accuracy of the advice given out here. Your response was NOT a valid response to the OP's initial post.

Yes you are entitled to your opinion and there is a lot in your response that I agree with. But it did NOT bear on the question originally asked. I wasn't attacking you, I was attacking the fact that your post didn't seem to pertain to the initial post. Your point was that parents shouldn't throw their kids out, especially not over smoking. But the initial post was NOT about throwing a kid out it was about a kid leaving home. Nor was the cause of leaving due to smoking, that was just a side issue.

What I was suggesting, in my response, was that you read a thread more carefully before you post a response. It does not appear that you did that.

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Originally Posted by kencctt

Hey Scott
Before you attack do some reading yourself. DID YOU READ ALL of my post??
Why are you so confused. Dont attack me unless you are ready for a fight. I have my opinions and that is my right. You people seem to want to tell everybody what to do...get a life.

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Ken, I think you were responding to nonnie's situation and directing it to mine... I never kicked my daughter out nor had any problem with her smoking!

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Originally Posted by THERESE HUmphrey

Ken, I think you were responding to nonnie's situation and directing it to mine...I never kicked my daughter out nor had any problem with her smoking!

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Originally Posted by kencctt

Hey Scott
Before you attack do some reading yourself. DID YOU READ ALL of my post??
Why are you so confused. Dont attack me unless you are ready for a fight. I have my opinions and that is my right. You people seem to want to tell everybody what to do...get a life.

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Ken,

I apologize. I see now that you were quoting from and responsing to Nonnie's response not the OP.

May I suggest that you use the Quote User feature in the future to eliminate such confusion. You can edit what's within the quotes if you don't want to reproduce all of it. You can also manually setup quoting by starting a quoted block with (quote=username) and ending it with (/quote). You need to use square brackets [] instead of parentheses ().

Again I apologize for not realizing whose note you were referring to.

U Can't Do Anything Peop;e Have To Want to Help Themselves U Have To Hit Rock Bottom First To Make A Change Jus Make Sure U Let Her Suffer Her Own Consequences So She Learns This Could Be By Not Giving Her Money And She Will Come To U Then U Lay Down The Rules For Her To Live By When She Is Living With U