Ask Me Help Desk - I feel like my soon to be ex-wife is confused!!

We started dating 5 yrs ago in high school. We had a little boy and we decided to get married. Were both only 23 years old but we had an amazing love story where we both just somehow managed to plow through all the obstacles. I lost my way and started to cheat on her. I felt terrible and I told the other party that it had to stop. I told her that I loved my wife very much and that I didn't want to hurt her.

A year goes by and I start a new job which has a cute girl working there. It got to be fairly slow and we worked there just us two and we got to know each other very well. We started to like each other but never had any contact outside of work. One day she just out of no where kissed me and said I love you. After that we started getting closer and closer and started texting when my wife was at work. I then asked her on a date which we never went on. My wife started to notice the changes and started to notice that I was dressing up for work and I was more irritable with her.

She starts investigating and realized that I liked this girl I worked with. She then starts being colder with me and starts to pick fights with me. All this time I didn't know that she was aware until one day she just says you like her don't you and would not let up until I decided to just fess up. We both cried and said we would work it out but neither one of us put the effort in as I worked 2 jobs and she worked long hours as well. We had agreed that I was no longer going to work with this girl and have no contact with her either.

About 2 months pass and I contacted the girl from work. The emails contained I miss you's and I want to see you that type of content. Well my wife found someone to go through my computer and she came across all of this. She asked if there was anything else she needed to know so I told her about the other girl I had slept with but ended it because I felt horrible about it. She said she wanted an immediate divorce and that we were done. I left for a few hours and she called and said come home. I told her I would meet her somewhere else and we went out to see a movie. We held hands and walked out laughing and having a good time.

After that she asked me to give her some space. As much as I tried I wasn't able to and I smothered her. I went out one night with my friend to give the space she asked for. When I came home I realized that there had been people over that night. Then she started having to go to work at night because there were "things" that needed to get done. She pushed me even further away. I felt the Problem was beyond me so I got my parents involved: BIG MISTAKE!! That got me kicked out of the apt. she later accepts that it was a big mistake to kick me out and that our relationship could have been stayed had she not kicked me out.

She then confeses that she started dating one of our friends that would spend the weekends at our place. But would still sleep with me. So I'm not sure how that makes her any better if she did the same thing I did.

Since then we have kept contact and when I look in her eyes I see this look. It's the I really wish I could just make this work but don't know how. I have tried being sweet even when she treats me like crap. I have tried being indiferant. I also bought a new ring to signify our new beginning she turned it down but goes through my phone just to see the pic of it and comments on it. She says I don't ever want to see you again then calls or texts me hours later. If I don't cantact her for several days she looks for me. WE HAVE A GOOD TIME WHEN WE GO OUT BUT I FEEL LIKE HER PRIDE IS IN THE WAY!! I know she still loves me but I don't know how to fix it.

The reason why She's soon to be my ex wife is because she just told me this yesterday. When in the past she hadn't said anything and was just happy living separate.

SO SHOULD I KEEP FIGHTING FOR HER AND MY SON??

HOW YOUNG IS YOUR SON? If your looking for sysmpanty then this is the wrong place to look. You and your wife/ex wife both really screwed up your marriage and it's no ones fault except your owns. You shouldn't have been close to another woman when married. I'm catholic and that's against my religion and I belief in that a lot. The only person I feel bad for here is your son. Someone shouldn't have to grow up in chaos like this. I don't think I have any advice except for to try to build a time machine, go back in time and fix everything before it happens!

Your wife tells you to go away and then calls you because she cannot bare to see your face, but she cannot live with out it. If what you're saying is true, she still loves you and wants to make things work but she gets the sick feeling that she's not enough.
It's all you're fault, but I think you know that. And she's better than you because I'd lay money on the fact that her 'dating' someone else is because she wants to hurt you just a fraction as much as you hurt her. Whereas you had a family before.
I'm a believer in romance, and if you love your wife and son you will move heaven and earth to make it right. However, only get back with her if you know in yourself that you will never even look at another women in that way. If things don't work out for you, make sure your son always has his dad.

I am happy we agree on this in a way

Our son is two and a half. Im not looking for any sympahty. I really love this girl I would give anything for her. It may not seem like it because of my actions but I DO LOVE HER TO DEATH. I bought her a new engagement ring and she went to the store with me and she tried it on and was very excited about it. She even started talking about our new future together. But all of a sudden she changed. This happens all the time. She's in then she's out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattdyd10003

I am happy we agree on this in a way

There is no doubt that my son will always have his father. I am extremely proud of him and I make sure that he know that. I know I shouldn't but I spoil him rotten. He has more clothes and shoes than I do. He has everything he needs and more.

Your son doesn't need 'more clothes and shoes than you do.' He needs a stable home.
You sound immature, both of you.
But you more so than she. You are the one who cheated and she tried retaliating, but it didn't help her hurt. Buying her a ring? Sorry but that is lame. She needs promises and actions that are proof of the promises, and that takes time, not rings.
And please don't tell men in other threads to 'act confident because women like that.' You can't generalize about either sex. And speaking as a woman, I can tell you that I like honesty and integrity a million times more than confidence.

Are you talking to me!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Your son doesn't need 'more clothes and shoes than you do.' He needs a stable home.
You sound immature, both of you.
But you more so than she. You are the one who cheated and she tried retaliating, but it didn't help her hurt. Buying her a ring? Sorry but that is lame. She needs promises and actions that are proof of the promises, and that takes time, not rings.
And please don't tell men in other threads to 'act confident because women like that.' You can't generalize about either sex. And speaking as a woman, I can tell you that I like honesty and integrity a million times more than confidence.

Believe me when I tell you that I want to provide a stable home for my son. If I didn't care and I didn't want help I wouldn't be here asking for advice. As for the ring I thought it would show my commitment and dedication. We went out on dates and I was sweet I was caring and when she brought up issues I accepted it was my fault and we talked it out and felt better about each other. I made promises but have not been giving the time to prove myself.

As for the advice I gave he was talking about him being insecure so him showing confidence would actually help him in that situation. I didn't mean it would get the girl in every scenario.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattdyd10003

Are you talking to me!

No she's talking about me and my ex/wife

I need advice on how to stop this divorce. I need to figure out how to get her realize that she still loves me without me having to beg. I NEED TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE.

WHOA. You don't get her to 'realize that she still loves me.' That is self-centered, self-serving, egotistical baloney. YOU are the one who cheated on HER. Then you come close to cheating on her a SECOND time, and possibly only stopped because she found out.

Your job is to tell her you love her more than anyone, and that you have made these X number of changes in your thinking and behavior, and yes, begging to be given 6 months to prove that every single one of them will be 100%.

I am not Cyrano de Bergerac. You have to do it yourself. But with a number of clueless acts so far, and ways of seeing how men 'should' act in your view, it's going to be a lot of work. Plus you resist advice. So far, not going so well.

Good.
And throwing money around to show someone that you love them will not buy you love or trust. At least your able to except that you were wrong. It does not help the situation but that's usually step one. YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE SCREWED UP IN THE FIRST PLACE! And if you did do this and you should have promised long ago that you wouldn't do it again. END OF STORY!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

WHOA. You don't get her to 'realize that she still loves me.' That is self-centered, self-serving, egotistical baloney. YOU are the one who cheated on HER. Then you come close to cheating on her a SECOND time, and possibly only stopped because she found out.

Your job is to tell her you love her more than anyone, and that you have made these X number of changes in your thinking and behavior, and yes, begging to be given 6 months to prove that every single one of them will be 100%.

I am not Cyrano de Bergerac. You have to do it yourself. But with a number of clueless acts so far, and ways of seeing how men 'should' act in your view, it's going to be a lot of work. Plus you resist advice. So far, not going so well.

And that is why I'm here. TO BE POINTED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION... How do I go about approching the time to prove myself since she's already asking for a divorce?

It might be too late - we aren't hearing from her, so have no way of knowing. But with a child at stake, you have to try.
You DO resist. You have protested every comment we have made about money and rings. This is the sort of thing you have to STOP. No excuses!
You say you made promises but haven't been given enough time to prove them.
WRITE THEM ON PAPER. And start by saying this: you are sorry you thought that dates, sweet talk, and a ring would prove anything. You know that love is much more than that, and much harder to prove, and must be in actions more than words. You want to prove it for your son's sake and the sake of your marriage.
Then list your actions for the next 6 months and hope she will allow you to get 100% of them right, and that you want her to comment on them any time she wants.
THAT'S what love is about. It's work, work, work.

Try saying this to yourself OUT LOUD! I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! Thank you for agreeing with me Joypulv. I think joypulv is right I think it's a little late. Sorry

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

It might be too late - we aren't hearing from her, so have no way of knowing. But with a child at stake, you have to try.
You DO resist. You have protested every comment we have made about money and rings. This is the sort of thing you have to STOP. No excuses!
You say you made promises but haven't been given enough time to prove them.
WRITE THEM ON PAPER. And start out by saying this: you are sorry you thought that dates, sweet talk, and a ring would prove anything. You know that love is much more than that, and much harder to prove, and must be in actions more than words. You want to prove it for your son's sake and the sake of your marriage.
Then list your actions for the next 6 months and hope she will allow you to get 100% of them right, and that you want her to comment on them any time she wants.
THAT'S what love is about. It's work, work, work.

I wasn't trying to resist I was simply trying to explain my reasoning. I have been fighting for her since June when we initially started to have issues. I have proved to her that I'm not the monster she thinks I am but I also did screw up in the process. As I was fighting for her she said to me I don't ever want to hear from you or ever see you again. I panicked didn't know what to do. I had left all my friends and even family for her. Well since I had no one to talk to I went nuts and obssesive which drove her away. Then out of no where the girl I use to work with contacted me. I replied since I felt my wife was 100% gone. She then found out and confronted me about it and I told her the truth without excuses. We then started to do better after that. And that's when I decided to get the ring to show her that I am 100% committed to her and than NO ONE is more important to me than her and my son.

I already feel terrible about what I have done... I want to hear possible solutions and advice... I am willing to fight for her until the day that she has all the divorce paperwork signed and ready to go... She means the world to me and I am not willing to give up on her like she didn't give up so easily on me...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattdyd10003

try saying this to yourself OUT LOUD! I AM NOT THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! thank you for agreeing with me Joypulv. i think joypulv is right i think its a little late. sorry

Any advice on how I MAY POSSIBLY save my marriage...

'I want to hear possible solutions and advice.. '

I GAVE SOME and you ignored it, going on more about the ring, and trying to prove that to us that you are worthy. I'm out of here. I see no hope.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

'I want to hear possible solutions and advice..'

I GAVE SOME and you ignored it, going on more about the ring. I'm outta here. I see no hope.

I loved your advice I just want to hear more.. I have actually been thinking this whole time of what do include in the letter. You already gave me a great start. The 6 months to prove myself seems like just the right amount of time as she had said that maybe we may reconnect in the future. Don't give up on me I know this marriage can be saved...

I think you both need to part from each other. Too much bad blood here, and to be quite honest, you both seem to not only have a toxic relationship, but you two are very irrational. You, she, and both of your actions may cause harm to your child.

Even if you two did stay together, you both would most likely use this as leverage in future arguments.

I don't think this relationship/marriage can be saved. You both seem immature. You with your cheating, and she with her vacillating back and forth. It seems unstable and could be detrimental to your child's mental health in the future.

However, you seem determined to not listen to anyone's advice.

In the end, you will do what you want, right?

I think your crazy I'm going to leave it at that.
You don't listen to anyone know matter how much we tell you.
Honestly I don't know if I believe ever thing you say.
You must be honest if there is something you lied about to use tell e so I can try to help you. I don't think with what your giving me will help you
And if you really love her you'd let her go!
"if you love some thing you got to let free"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattdyd10003

i think your crazy i'm going to leave it at that.
you don't listen to anyone know matter how much we tell you.
honestly i dont know if i believe ever thing you say.
you must be honest if there is something you lied about to use tell e so i can try to help you. i don't think with what your giving me will help you
and if you really love her you'd let her go!
"if you love some thing you got to let free"

I have tried to be as truthful as I could. I laid everything out without trying to twist it in my favor. I do seem crazy but I'm just dedicated to saving my marriage. Her mom did go through a similar divorce but the differnces were that he would abuse alcohol and would physically abuse his wife and at that time my wife. He never changed though until about a year after they divorced, but then quickly fell back into the alcohol addiction. I feel that her mom may be influencing my wife's decision. Based on what she went through.

Like I said if you love something you gota let it free.
Sorry don't have any thing for you.