Ask Me Help Desk - He won't have sex with me. Is he not over his ex?

So let me start by giving you a little background of our relationship. We have been together for 3yrs. We split up 9 months ago because I caught him talking to the mother of his kid wanting to get back with her {they have been broken up for 5 yrs}. So when I found that out I decided to leave even though I still loved him. We were separated about 5 months and he started pursuing me again. We agreed to start over and leave the past behind. Hes been great and our relationship has been amazing up until 3 weeks ago. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we always had a lot of sex and were very attracted to each other. By a lot of sex I mean everyday. 3 weeks ago he stopped wanting to have sex with me. I asked what was wrong, and asked him if he felt attracted to me still. He assured me its not me, its him. He says he is stressed moneywise and feels bad when he can't provide. When I do try to have sex, his erevtion goes away quickly or he will after 5 min of having sex. After that, we had gotten into an argument because he kept comparing me to the mother of his child so I got upset and told him he needed not to compare as I am someone different. He also kept bringing her up in conversations all the time. So I started getting insecure thinking that he was not over her. He stopped but I still felt resentful. He had been doing so much for me lately like taking me out to nice dinners, being sweet and affectionate but since I was upset I wasn't noticing and he said I hurt him and felt unappriciated. Ever since then he hasn't been wanting sex, at all. I apologized and said I would make it up to him. He then said that the mother of his child would do the same thing to him, made him feel unappriciated. He said because of how I made him feel he now is feeling depressed, and that his sex drive is through the floor. However, I found a lot of porn in his laptop. His history shows him looking at porn sites a lot during the night. When I comfronted him about it. He said that its because he feels like releasing at the moment. But what I don't fet is that how can he keep an erection with porn but not with me! I feel so bad. I don't understand because he is still sweet but he has become distant in so many ways. Doesn't call me as much but still texts me that he loves me all the time. Im not sure what to think. It makes me feel as though he is not over the hurt of his break up with her and he's just not attracted to me anymore. I need opinions on what you may think is going on. I feel I am wasting my time being with him.

Wow. This sounds very difficult and confusing. Firstly, let me tell you that NO! He is not over her if he is mentioning her to you in any sense. He may in fact be over the relationship and his feelings for her, but may not be over some of the hurt she has caused him. For this, I would suggest he see a counselor so he can hash out what he is really feeling as he may be confused himself. Having a child from a previous relationship is always going to be difficult. Can I ask why they ended their relationship? I can give you more insight if I know.

As far as sex is concerned... I think it is unlikely that this is YOUR problem! It is directly linked to his issues with his ex in my opinion. Until he gets his feelings cleared up and off his chest, he will likely continue to be un-interested in a physical connection. Contrary to what most women believe that a man is driven by sex, they are just as human as women and can have low sex drives due to stress, being overwhelmed, etc. He is turning to porn because it is fantasy. He does not have to deal with an emotional connection while looking at porn. He probably is confused about his feelings for you as well and may also have trust issues. Again, these are things you can be there for support for him, but that he needs to find a way to unravel on his own. I wouldn't assume he is not attracted to you though. I allow my husband to look at porn, so long as I don't EVER find a trace of it. Porn is degrading to us women and also causes us insecurity. However, men have the natural desire of

In all honesty, you probably will not like most of what I have to say. Please try to think about what you are reading. If I am misunderstanding what you have said, please clarify what you meant.

He was wrong to compare you to his ex. He should not have talked so much about her and it does seem he stopped. It seems he has been honest with you even if you haven't been paying attention to what he is saying and doing.

Most of the issues seem to stem from you feeling insecure.

Three weeks is not very long for not having sex even if you were having it daily. You asked what was wrong and he told you. He was feeling stressed and down about money and what he could provide. During this time you seem to have been so hung up on not getting sex that you missed him trying to make you feel special in other ways.

You may want to bring up his ex to defend yourself, but they have a child together so she will be a part of his life no matter what. He will have contact with her because of the child unless you want him to stop being a father. You talked to him about bringing her up all the time and comparing the two of you. According to you he did what you asked of him. He stopped. You didn't. You may not talk to him about her, but she seems to be a major player in your discussions with yourself. Only you can stop those conversations.

You have triggered a bad memory for him. He is being honest with you about how it makes him feel. Instead of being understanding and giving him time and support to pull himself up out of a nose dive, you make it all about you and what you aren't getting. Out of everything you said, I don't see much about what you are giving other than pressure and guilt. Have I missed something?

You are feeling insecure. You seem to be equating sex with security. Though I do see a glimmer of beginning to understand that affection and intimacy are more than what is going on in the bedroom. I don't think you meant to kick him when he was feeling down any more than he meant to hurt you by talking about his ex.

Once again, three weeks is not long for a drop off in sex. Porn and masturbation only mean he wanted a quick release. It doesn't mean he is ready or able to deal with sex with his partner. So much more is involved in intercourse than masturbation. The amount of porn he looks at probably does not equal the number of times he masturbates.

Looking at his computer to see what he is doing is an invasion of privacy and may be causing him to back off even more than he already was.

He has told you he feels like his efforts have been wasted. From his point of view, why should he try harder when it isn't enough? Why should he put energy into being rebuffed?

Work on letting your insecurities go. Let the trust rebuild. Make it safe for him show you affection. Understand that he may not be able to call as much for various reasons but he is texting. Show him affection, intimacy and tell him you love him not because you expect him to immediately return those thoughts and feelings, but because it is how you feel. Do little things for him because it feels good to you. 'Making love' does not have to include intercourse or sexual contact. Being together, relaxing, sharing your thoughts, feelings and laughter can be very intimate.

I do see hope for this relationship if you can both sit down and talk with each other. Talk, discuss, have a dialog, etc. Be positive. Find common ground and rebuild. Try not to argue, fight, confront, or any other negative action. Disagreeing is fine. Try not to allow a disagreement to become a fight. Before you start make some button pushing phrases such as any mention of the ex (unless talking about the child) off-limits. Set aside your insecurities and listen to him.

Now, that I have said all that: Do you love him? Do you want to try to work with him to build a better relationship? Are you looking for a way out of the relationship because your feelings have changed?

By the way, I don't consider it wasting time if you are learning more about yourself and what you want in a relationship. It may be wasting his time if you put up a wall of insecurity and then get upset because he hasn't broken it down.

No matter what you choose to do, I hope your decision turns out to be the best one for you.

... variety. Porn is variety. It allows the man to fantasize about his natural desire for variety since he can just click away. In some ways (and depending on your views/feelings), porn can be healthy for a relationship and a for a man's mental stability. As long as his partner is secure in the relationship, she may view this as healthy provided it is in moderation.

My suggestion to you is to find a time and a comfortable place where the 2 of you can really talk and open up to each other. Don't be abrasive and accuse him of anything. Really try to get to the bottom of what is going on with him and let him know how he's been making you feel. It is possible that this might not be the relationship for you and that he may not be ready for a real relationship at all. Relationships should be happy and exclusive to the 2 partners. There should NEVER be comparisons and/or talk of previous lovers. It is not fair and is also abusive in some ways. You really need to come to a conclusion of what you deserve to be happy, if he is capable of making you happy and if he is even capable of being happy himself. It really sounds like he is confused about several things. If he is telling you he loves you all the time and being sweet, but not interested in a physical connection, then there is a problem. One of the biggest ways men show love and affection to their partner is through sex, so he is very confused and needs to address this asap, but please don't let it be at your expense. Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshenton27

... variety. Porn is variety. It allows the man to fantasize about his natural desire for variety since he can just click away. In some ways (and depending on your views/feelings), porn can be healthy for a relationship and a for a man's mental stability. As long as his partner is secure in the relationship, she may view this as healthy provided it is in moderation.

My suggestion to you is to find a time and a comfortable place where the 2 of you can really talk and open up to each other. Don't be abrasive and accuse him of anything. Really try to get to the bottom of what is going on with him and let him know how he's been making you feel. It is possible that this might not be the relationship for you and that he may not be ready for a real relationship at all. Relationships should be happy and exclusive to the 2 partners. There should NEVER be comparisons and/or talk of previous lovers. It is not fair and is also abusive in some ways. You really need to come to a conclusion of what you deserve to be happy, if he is capable of making you happy and if he is even capable of being happy himself. It really sounds like he is confused about several things. If he is telling you he loves you all the time and being sweet, but not interested in a physical connection, then there is a problem. One of the biggest ways men show love and affection to their partner is through sex, so he is very confused and needs to address this asap, but please don't let it be at your expense. Good luck!

Jshenton27: I honestly do not have a problem with him watching porn. I myself watch it at times lol. It's the fact that he prefers watching it rather then being intimate with me. I agree that sex is how a man shows his love and affection which is why it worries me. The mother of his child is the only serious relationship he has had besides me. So he said that is why he compared. Either way its wrong. I can say I did accuse him of still having feelings for her. But I later told him that he bringing her up all the is what makes me feel this way. I sometimes think he is still hurt. As you say, I need to communicate about this more to him not by accusing but more of how it makes me feel. Thank you so much for your response!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angie2387

Jshenton27: I honestly do not have a problem with him watching porn. I myself watch it at times lol. Its the fact that he prefers watching it rather then being intimate with me. I agree that sex is how a man shows his love and affection which is why it worries me. The mother of his child is the only serious relationship he has had besides me. So he said that is why he compared. Either way its wrong. I can say i did accuse him of still having feelings for her. But I later told him that he bringing her up all the is what makes me feel this way. I sometimes think he is still hurt. As you say, I need to communicate about this more to him not by accusing but more of how it makes me feel. Thank you so much for your response!

That is a misconception. Men can and do show love in a wide variety of ways. Try not to allow preconceived ideas of how men show love and affection to feed into your insecurities. Be open to seeing all the ways he expresses himself and you may not feel so worried.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

In all honesty, you probably will not like most of what I have to say. Please try to think about what you are reading. If I am misunderstanding what you have said, please clarify what you meant.

He was wrong to compare you to his ex. He should not have talked so much about her and it does seem he stopped. It seems he has been honest with you even if you haven't been paying attention to what he is saying and doing.

Most of the issues seem to stem from you feeling insecure.

Three weeks is not very long for not having sex even if you were having it daily. You asked what was wrong and he told you. He was feeling stressed and down about money and what he could provide. During this time you seem to have been so hung up on not getting sex that you missed him trying to make you feel special in other ways.

You may want to bring up his ex to defend yourself, but they have a child together so she will be a part of his life no matter what. He will have contact with her because of the child unless you want him to stop being a father. You talked to him about bringing her up all the time and comparing the two of you. According to you he did what you asked of him. He stopped. You didn't. You may not talk to him about her, but she seems to be a major player in your discussions with yourself. Only you can stop those conversations.

You have triggered a bad memory for him. He is being honest with you about how it makes him feel. Instead of being understanding and giving him time and support to pull himself up out of a nose dive, you make it all about you and what you aren't getting. Out of everything you said, I don't see much about what you are giving other than pressure and guilt. Have I missed something?

You are feeling insecure. You seem to be equating sex with security. Though I do see a glimmer of beginning to understand that affection and intimacy are more than what is going on in the bedroom. I don't think you meant to kick him when he was feeling down any more than he meant to hurt you by talking about his ex.

Once again, three weeks is not long for a drop off in sex. Porn and masturbation only mean he wanted a quick release. It doesn't mean he is ready or able to deal with sex with his partner. So much more is involved in intercourse than masturbation. The amount of porn he looks at probably does not equal the number of times he masturbates.

Looking at his computer to see what he is doing is an invasion of privacy and may be causing him to back off even more than he already was.

He has told you he feels like his efforts have been wasted. From his point of view, why should he try harder when it isn't enough? Why should he put energy into being rebuffed?

Work on letting your insecurities go. Let the trust rebuild. Make it safe for him show you affection. Understand that he may not be able to call as much for various reasons but he is texting. Show him affection, intimacy and tell him you love him not because you expect him to immediately return those thoughts and feelings, but because it is how you feel. Do little things for him because it feels good to you. 'Making love' does not have to include intercourse or sexual contact. Being together, relaxing, sharing your thoughts, feelings and laughter can be very intimate.

I do see hope for this relationship if you can both sit down and talk with each other. Talk, discuss, have a dialog, etc. Be positive. Find common ground and rebuild. Try not to argue, fight, confront, or any other negative action. Disagreeing is fine. Try not to allow a disagreement to become a fight. Before you start make some button pushing phrases such as any mention of the ex (unless talking about the child) off-limits. Set aside your insecurities and listen to him.

Now, that I have said all that: Do you love him? Do you want to try to work with him to build a better relationship? Are you looking for a way out of the relationship because your feelings have changed?

By the way, I don't consider it wasting time if you are learning more about yourself and what you want in a relationship. It may be wasting his time if you put up a wall of insecurity and then get upset because he hasn't broken it down.

No matter what you choose to do, I hope your decision turns out to be the best one for you.

Thank you so much for your response and insight!

I am not upset t all by your response. I like to hear opinions and can accept when I am wrong.

I do love him and I do want it to work out. My feelings for him have not changed, just some rsentment. We have a pretty good relationship aside from this issue. You are right. I did make it all about myself and was completely selfish when he was telling me how I was making him feel. I get really insecure about the mother of his child because that was his first love and It has taken him a long time to get over it. I actually had a conversation with him a few days ago and I told him that I knew he loved but I wanted to know if he was still hurting. I told him if that was the case I am willing to help him and be by his side because I can understand but that he needed to be honest with me. He said he wasn't hurt from her at all and that he only wants me. Since then I have not brought it up but just focused on how to be intimate with him in other ways then sex so that he opens up to me again. I am trying to be more supportive of him and not try to initiate any sex with him and give him time. I have done little things to show my love and affection. I don't want him to think I do not care. I just didn't know what to think since he is usually all over me and we have been pretty rocky for the past weeks. I guess I am using sex as security and hadn't noticed till you pointed it out.

I guess I am feeling insecure because he is going to visit his son during the holidays and he may be staying with her. I can not help but think something may happen between them. Its stupid I know, but since he was comparing me and talking about her a lot I started feeling that way. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings much so it will take some time. I am willing to work through it.
Again thank you for your time in responding.

That's great that you are comfortable with porn! It keeps him faithful while still allowing him to tinker with his need for variety and fantasy :) I understand your concern about him watching porn rather than being with you. That is why I said that he is probably uncomfortable with an emotional connection right now since there is obviously some sort of emotion connected with physical intimacy. He obviously has some issues he needs to hash out whether it is his connection with you, his ex, or just in general. I wouldn't take this too, too personal. We all go through times in our lives where we question our place in life, our relationships, our past, our future and our general identity. Talking with him and laying the source on the table is going to be the first and most important step. You both need to expose your issues and confirm with each other how you plan to work on them. You also need to confirm where you both plan to go from here, and what your expectations for your future's are. This might include him (and possibly you as well) to seek a councelor of
Some sort. I agree that it is totally unacceptable for either partner to compare the other to an ex. This is something he absolutely needs to stop. In reference to the other response you got, this is a factor in why you are probably insecure. I don't care how many serious relationships he's had. There is no excuse. If he feels the need to compare, then he is obviously not over what he had with her, good or bad. He needs to love and respect who he is with now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jshenton27

Wow. This sounds very difficult and confusing. Firstly, let me tell you that NO! He is not over her if he is mentioning her to you in any sense. He may in fact be over the relationship and his feelings for her, but may not be over some of the hurt she has caused him. For this, I would suggest he see a counselor so he can hash out what he is really feeling as he may be confused himself. Having a child from a previous relationship is always going to be difficult. Can I ask why they ended their relationship? I can give you more insight if I know.

As far as sex is concerned... I think it is unlikely that this is YOUR problem! It is directly linked to his issues with his ex in my opinion. Until he gets his feelings cleared up and off his chest, he will likely continue to be un-interested in a physical connection. Contrary to what most women believe that a man is driven by sex, they are just as human as women and can have low sex drives due to stress, being overwhelmed, etc. He is turning to porn because it is fantasy. He does not have to deal with an emotional connection while looking at porn. He probably is confused about his feelings for you as well and may also have trust issues. Again, these are things you can be there for support for him, but that he needs to find a way to unravel on his own. I wouldn't assume he is not attracted to you though. I allow my husband to look at porn, so long as I don't EVER find a trace of it. Porn is degrading to us women and also causes us insecurity. However, men have the natural desire of

Thank you for your response. I too think it's that he may not be over the hurt she has caused. Basically what happened between them is that she was going through post partum depression and he was away at work a lot. When she asked him for more of his time he had to switch jobs. They weren't making enough money so they had a lot of problems. She ends up cheating on him and leaving him taking his kid to Louisiana {we live in Florida}. So he has this insecurity of not being enough. He def has trust issues. Which is why I understand why he got so upset when he felt I wasn't appreciating him. But I did tell him that just because that relationship didn't work out that doesn't mean we won't. I really do try to understand him and he says I'm the best girlfriend he has ever had. I feel he may not be ready to be in a relationship either and fear he may only love me as a friend rather then a partner. I feel that at times he is with me to try and get over his pain. He says he's in love with me and he does show me but I am still a bit confused. I love him and am willing to work it out but I feel that his insecurities are making me insecure about us.

As I stated before, I don't have a problem with porn. It doesn't make me jealous at all. It's the fact that he'd rather use porn then be intimate with me. But I guess it is what you say, he does not need to emotionally connect with porn & with me he does.

I just want to work this out but I am feel we may not be able to if he is not open to letting go of his past.