I am 20 years old and currently at university.
I have been single all my life, not because men aren't interested but because I'm scared.
I can flirt, I think, but I can't tell when someone is flirting with me, so when they suddenly start touching me (like putting their hands on my hips while dancing) its like an alarm has been set off in my mind and I have to get out of there, regardless if I'm interested or not, and I have been interested many times.
Every time I get close to thinking "I can do this!" I find another excuse or suddenly I become uncomfortable and I drop it, I'm so ashamed of it I don't even tell them why I'm backing off and I come across as a tease or horrible person.
Recently I've gotten to know this guy, he was a friend of a friend and it's only been a couple weeks but we've been texting and hanging out, but not on our own.
I know he wants to sleep with me, he's made that quite obvious, and I'm neither opposed or in favour of it, 'it would be nice' is pretty much all I have to say about that, but his advances make me nervous (but not as nervous as some others have made me) and I would reciprocate if I wasn't afraid that I'll suddenly get uncomfortable and even more of an issue is that I'm completely inexperienced, whereas he is definitely not, at all.
Telling him this would probably just scare him away, like I said it's only been a few weeks, but if I wait too long he'll probably move on. I've been told he's a 'go with the flow' kind of guy - not someone I should really be going after but he is the first person I haven't been completely afraid of. But if I muck this up its going to be awkward because we hang out a lot with our mutual friends.
I don't have any underlying issues that I'm aware of, I wasn't abused in the past (although a drunk man followed me off the train two years ago and kissed and groped at me until my mam came to pick me up, but I was scared before that anyway) I am afraid I'd be made a fool of I guess but even I find that stupid.
I'm at a loss, I don't really know what to do. It's not the end of the world if I don't have anything with him, there will always be others, but this is still a reoccurring problem.

It could be a combination of things. You're probably scared because you're inexperienced. Everyone is scared about their first kiss, their first boyfriend, their first anything, until they finally do it. And it's normal that the longer you haven't experienced something, the more worried you're going to get. Maybe you're worried that the guy would think you don't know what you're doing? Is that how you feel?

But also it sounds like you've never really fell for anyone yet. I don't see anything wrong with waiting until you're really into someone. This guy you're talking about, it sounds like you don't care one way or another if something happens between you.
Have you ever had a huge crush on anyone before? But you're too shy to let him know?

So my question to you is do you have a deep desire to experience kissing etc. or not really? It sounds like you're either really shy/ scared, or that you think you wouldn't be that into it.

If you think you wouldn't be into it, it could just be because you haven't met someone yet who piques your interest enough.
What do you think?

Being inexperienced is a factor; I'm afraid people will be disappointed, make fun of me and leave.
I don't let myself get into people because nothing ever happens; I would like something to happen with this guy but I am aware that probably nothing will and it's not the end of the world. I'm not the kind of girl who is obsessed with waiting for 'the one'; I don't believe there is a 'one', I'm quite sceptical of feelings really. I contradict myself quite a bit.
I tried kissing a guy once at the start of the year; we met at a club and he was into me so I thought I'd give it a go, I didn't really like it; it's a bit sickly but then again that was just one guy and maybe he wasn't very good. I like kissing if it doesn't involve opening your mouth.
I have had huge crushes on people, I've told them sometimes but been shot down; however I've grown out of the freakish awkward stage of puberty I was in when I had those crushes and now I barely get them at all. If I went up to those people I had been rejected by now and told them I liked them I'd probably at least get a date out of them; I'm confident but shy, I know I'm a catch but being with someone that way still scares me for no reason, it just doesn't go with who I am now.
I actually believe the only way I could sleep with someone would be if I was too drunk to care about being scared. (drinking age in England is 18)

Since you like this guy, I think you just need to take things very slow with him. I think you're making a huge leap from no contact to sleeping with the person in your mind. There's a lot of ground in between and you can wait a good long time to sleep with someone, until marriage if you like. The right guy will understand.

What's hard to understand is mixed signals so if you are into this man, and he's giving you clear signals, spend some time with him. When he makes advances sexually, tell him you're going to have to take things very slowly. When you feel comfortable, tell him about your anxieties. If he's the right man, he'll work through it with you. If he's wrong for you, he won't and will do you the favor of disappearing.

It would be worthwhile to also get some counseling. The assault you described is probably a bigger deal than you are recognizing. There could be other things from your past that you have put out of mind, or you could just be afraid of the unknown.

I know for me, kissing the right guy is the greatest thing in the world. Recently a friend kissed me, and though I love him as a friend, I am not attracted to him and when he made this move it made me terribly uncomfortable and felt really awkward and wrong. You might just be a person who needs to really be attracted to the guy you are with, not someone who can take whoever is handy. That's a good thing about you - not anything wrong with you.

It sounds like the kiss you had earlier this year just wasn't a good one. You didn't have chemistry or you didn't like the way he kissed. I can say that the only time I really enjoy kissing is if I share chemistry with that person. And that's one of those things you either have or you don't. And you don't have any control over it. It sucks because you can really really like someone and be great for each other, but the chemistry is not there. I've only felt chemistry with 2 boyfriends, but I've had several. But anyway, I'm not trying to discourage you! Haha I still enjoyed the relationships I had that didn't have chemistry when we kissed. Honestly I think chemistry is pretty hard to come by. Kind of like an "added bonus" to a relationship. But anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if you end up loving open mouth kissing once you experience chemistry with someone.

You said that you had some big crushes during puberty, but got shot down. Do you think getting shot down a few times might be part of the reason you're extra scared? Maybe after getting shot down you sort of built up a wall to protect yourself from getting rejected again. I think your "wall" is how you've changed your attitude to not really caring about guys or whether anything will come of it.

I can relate to that, in a different way. I deal with social anxiety and have a fear about making new friends. I'd like to make new friends but I'm also really worried they won't end up liking me back. So I hardly put in any effort. A bad habbit I have is I hardly ever call people.. they have to always call (or text) me. A lot of times I tell myself I don't really care about making new friends anyway. But I know that's just a defense mechanism. I only have one best friend (since childhood) and I'm very confident with that friendship, just not with anyone else.

If your fear of guys is as bad as my fear of making new friends then I would suggest counceling. I know I need counceling about my anxiety/ insecurities. The advice I would tell you is to do things even though you are super nervous. It's okay to be nervous. So, if you know deep down you really like this person it's worth it to put in the effort and see what happens.

I don't know why but for some reason with guys it was less scary because at least after some time they will flat out tell you that they like you/ ask you out on more dates/ ask you to be their boyfriend. And after some time you can tell them all your insecurities and they'll actually tell you there is nothing to worry about, they really do like you!

Making friends is more scary to me because they don't do things like kiss you to show you that they like you! And they don't ask you "hey, will you be my friend?" lol. It's not so cut and dry. So I'm always worried about what they think. And if I ever told them all my insecurities (like hey I really like you as a friend, but I'm so scared you don't like me as much back) they'd probably think I'm a weirdo and obsessed with them or something!

Counselling is really expensive and I told my friends something last night that I had put out of my mind from when I was a child; so I now have a huge reason behind my fear but it feels like I can't do anything about it. I've gotten this far pretending it didn't happen so I know I can carry on.
I am going to keep trying with this guy, even though he's made it obvious he would like to sleep with me he's apologised when he thought he'd gone to far and even mentioned a date last night (but he then chickened out and quickly changed the subject) so maybe he'll understand. I think I might be the first person who won't sleep with him after flirting for a while.
I am the same, greentree30, I get nervous around women if I want to be their friend; I know women are notorious for pretending to be nice and then completely changing once you're gone because I am one. I am not normal, I don't really conform to being 'lady-like' I like things men like, such as cars and video games, and its had to make friends when they hate both of those things. I get paranoid that people secretly hate me but I've got my 'wall' for that, like you do; forget kissing frogs before meeting your prince, it's chatting to cows before meeting your friends!