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Hi Lovemedo, reading your story seems as if I am reading my own. Your man could be my man. Late night porn, no sex, lying about it, denying etc etc. Please could you tell me how you managed to approach the conversation? Has he changed? Im at that point, after waiting YEARS for him to open up and talk about it with me, I will have to lay out all my feelings once and for all. It's the porn or me. But I am terrified of losing him... I have a feeling it will be the porn..
Mbee, you need therapy... realy. If he came to you and said it was him or your soap operas... him or your chick flcks... him or your romance novels... would that be any more rational? It certainly wouldn't be any different.
If ANY woman gave ME an ultimatum on things I have the right to do as an adult... she got shown the door.
And most of the women I know did the same to men how gave them ultimatums that were not rational too.
Just substitute football, baseball, etc... and it just shows the absurdity of it...
smoothy... I have waited for him for 3 years, given him 3 years to talk to me about our problems. He has not touched me in 3 years. Its hardly a dramatic ultimatum. Either face the problem and work through it together or I'm out of here. I hardly think it is irrational. It is a consequence of whatever choice he makes. If he can't fight for the relationship isn't it better if I move on? Or should I not talk to him about it first? Your rationalisation is skewed... Men and ultimatums... it's the same as saying... "cheat on me and Im gone", well duh? Wouldn't that be the consequence?
mbee, I have moved your posts to their own thread so that you can get the advice for your issues. It has been years since she posted so you probably will not get a reply from her. However, we will do our best to give you any help we can.
Communicating about an issue isn't the same as giving an ultimatum. If he isn't trying to work with you to solve an issue then you have to decide what your best course of action is. Ultimately, it comes down to stay and accept the relationship the way it is or let go and move on without him.Quote:
Originally Posted by mbee
You can try talking with him, but ultimatums have a way of backfiring and causing more stress instead of relieving it. Also, don't give an ultimatum you aren't prepared to carry out. The consequences aren't just ones he has to live with but you have to live with them too.
To help understand your situation a bit better, would you mind giving a little more information such as how old he is and how long you have been in a relationship with him? How is the rest of your relationship? Do you communicate well in other areas? Have you thought about couple's counseling or getting counseling for yourself and maybe getting him to join you? It might be a way for both of you to see the issues in a different, perhaps new, way.
How is his health? Does he have any health issues or is he on any medications? Is he trying to ignore any possible health issues? Some men will turn to porn and 'masturbation' (some end up doing more looking than acting) because it is 'safer' than risking getting intimate and not being able to follow through. It isn't uncommon for men to close themselves off instead of admitting a fear/issue and getting help.
Writing out your details may help you think more clearly about what you want. It may feel like venting, but then venting is getting the old air out so new air can come in.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
I've been in relationships before where porn was much more appealing, exciting, etc. than the relationship. That is when I opt out for bigger and better things. Why do so many people stay in a bad relationship just because they are comfortable with it?
I have been with him for 4 years, moved to Italy for him as he had just opened a restaurant and didn't want to change countries. The first month was complete honeymoon, tons of sex, he wanted me all the time. I did notice he had a small issue, in that he would climax extremely fast the first time round, but it wasn't an issue as then we would just go a second or third time, and those would last much longer.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Then he had to go back to work, he worked 16 hours a day at the time. The sex started cooling down to once a week, then once every two weeks.. and I put it down to him being exhausted. One day I was editing my pics on his PC, with his permission and while looking for a video programme, came across his porn stash. I giggled, watched some of it (there was a lot, but really harmless porn, nothing over the top), when he came home I mentioned it to him, said we should watch some together.
Well, he flipped out. Completely. Denied having any porn on his computer. Said he would never watch porn with me. Basically just clammed up. I wasn't going to take it further as I didn't want it to become an issue.
The sex dried up some more, to the point where we went a year without sex. I tried to talk to him about it, he claimed exhaustion.
One day, while using his laptop (my PC was broken) porn sites came up with the auto address... so, curious... and a bit snoopy I admit, I checked the history... he had been watching porn every day and always the kind with humongous, oversized breasts with men having sex with the breasts. I have B cups... and he has occasionally mentioned surgery to me... he believes you can never be big enough. Ok, I get it, men like big boobs. I still didn't have a huge problem. I really don't have an issue with porn..
One nights, after I had fallen asleep I awoke to find him watching porn with the volume down... right next to me. He flicked that channel so fast... this happened many times till we moved into our larger apartment with separate living rooms. Now when he gets home from work at 2 am... he generally sits and watches TV while on his PC until 4 am... He turns down all the volume so he can hear if I get up... he usually slams shut his PC if I walk into the room..
I have tried various times to bring up the subject of our sex life. I have tried asking him about his porn. He is highly reactive and cannot even discuss it with me, he gets too anxious like he has been cornered. He is obviously very ashamed by what he is doing, but he can't seem to stop it. Its been 3 years of no sex now, just the occasional blow job for him, which he never reciprocates. I have tried to give him space, not putting pressure on him to talk about it, I have suggested we try couple therapy together, or even that he go to individual therapy. He flat out refuses this, says he will never speak to anyone about it. His father is a renowned psychiatrist.
I have been faithful all this time, never once turning my back on him. He cuddles me in bed, but never sexually. We talk about the future, but nothing concrete... he used to say how he wanted to be married to me, have kids... etc... now, he won't talk to me about kids anymore, even though we had planned to start this year.
Where do I go to from here? I love him. But I have to also be good to myself. He is not even willing to discuss anything, preferring to sweep it all under the rug. I am 34 years old now, he is 36. I lie in bed awake, waiting for him to come to bed to me, while he would prefer to sit in the other room masturbating to porn.
You don't need therapy. You're just at your wit's end and rightly so. It's hard to say whether giving an ultimatum is a good or bad thing. On the one hand, it may cause him to make promises he won't keep or feel pressured to lie to you or change when he doesn't want to and it won't last. However, it could just be a wake up call for him that this issue is bothering you enough to make you want to leave. Do you think he needs the warning or is he aware that you're considering leaving him?
Three years without sex is just plain sad. I think you've been beyond patient and must really love him to still be with him. If I were you, I think I would let him know that this is serious. You're done waiting around for him. What kind of partner is he to you... always hiding things from you, lying to you, neglecting your needs and refusing to even try making things better? Right now, he's pretty much already single. You're the only one in this relationship and it sounds like there's nothing good in it for you anymore. I'm sorry he's treating you like this.
Fixations this extreme on any ONE issue aren't normal... anyone that is needs therapy for that...
However there are other problems far more serious here none of which are porn related...
I did have a lengthy answer posted however it was lost when mbees post was moved to its own thread.
We only have one persons side here, and not his to weigh against.
I have to very much disagree with Backpack on a lot of their points because I've been in situans in previous relationships where right before I walked out on her I was driven to the ppoint of not wanting to even touch her. This was always due to an attitude a lot of women have that her viewpoint is the only acceptable one... and its those that are usually the cause of problems they will single out any other number of reasons to blame it on rather than being introspective and consider the fact it might be her or at the very least... that she might play some part in the problem.
Its pretty easy for someone to think their perspective is the only one... or the only valid one... particularly with younger generations... however his perspective is just as valid, and just as important. And if you want to get down to dealing with and fixing a problem... you had better take the time to listen to it and consider it. If you don't then its at your own peril.
First off... her moving was a choice she made... she wasn't dragged kicking and screaming... so don't lay that on him. And that first year or two of an international move IS the hardest period to get through...
Second... don't lay the blame at someone else's feet until you have taken a serious look at yourself first... we ALL have done something from time to time for our own selfish reasons that has ticked off someone else... the sooner you can recognise this, accept it, and deal with it... the less problems you will have in a relationship... Relationships are a compromise WHen one party tries to monopolize anything... problems follow.
Third... if you have issues of self esteme or self worth... deal with them and don't look for reasons to lay the blame. Dancing around the problem trying to avoid it rather than dealing with it isn't going to help you at all... it just lets the problem grow deeper.
There are a number of valid libido killers he did tell you... but like I said, there is a lot more going on than just that... being told what he can and can't do... is a huge turn-off to a guy, getting the third degree after a long day at work is a turn-off, incessant bellyaching about anything (particularly laying it on him that YOU came there for him when YOU made that choice if you aren't happy) that's a turn off... if you understand the perfect storm analogy... where several issues, none of them all that serious on their own combime to become something serious enough to cause someone to either shut down or walk away.
And being that we only have one persons side of the story and nothing more to go in... we have to read between the lines so to speak.
I see someone who appears to be a bit self centered... that hasn'e quite adjusted to an international move they made a decision to make... a bit quick to dump all the blame on the other person rather than be objective and introspective enough to see that they share some part of the responsibility.
One thing I do agree on... issuing Ultimatums is an act of desperation to control another in a specific situation... and in any relationship where one person feels entitled to control the other... or feels a need to do it... is a doomed relationship.
You are both adults... you both have to learn to deal with your problems on your own... and by that I mean you don't each demand the other make huge changes so each of you doesn't have to face the problem you don't want to deal with. I do not mean you can not or should not talk with each other about them... because communication is important... I mean you each should not be lecturing the other... or imposing decrees upon th eother from upon your perspective Ivory towers.
You each learn to deal with each others idiosycrocies... because trust me... EVERYONE has them. There isn't a perfect person walking the planet.
He's not perfect, you aren't perfect... the saving grace here... is while he is clearly NOT happy about things as they are... he's not so upset he has walked out... or told you to leave. That means its not too late to mend fences yet. So there is hope.
If you want to know how I have this intimate perspective? I'm 51, I've been marrried 21 year to someone who moved from her native country to be with me when employment prosects required it... I have lived and worked in another country other than the one I am a citizen of (yes, two international round trip moves in my life)... and I have had more than a few relationships several wich we cohabitated... so I have personally familiar with the situations you described.
After re-reading your post, I wonder if maybe you two shouldn't just try talking about the porn one more time? It seems odd that he would flip out when you say you want to watch it with him. If you both like it and find it to be a turn on, why wouldn't he want to watch it with you? He clearly seems ashamed of it and from what you've said, it doesn't seem like you gave him any reasons to be ashamed of it initially. It makes sense that he would be somewhat ashamed of it now that you haven't had sex for a long time and it has become blended with the no sex issue. The two need to be separated from each other. Maybe try communicating to him clearly that you don't care what he's watching, you don't think anything is wrong with it, and you in fact enjoy it yourself. Tell him that you just want him to be intimate with you too. That connection with your partner is a fundamental need. He needs to be aware that you aren't upset about what he is doing, your hurt by what he's not doing.
Whatever you do, there's something going on with him that you both need to get to the bottom of if you're going to stay together. If you do have other issues aside from the lack of sex, this might be a good time to air those out as well. This is all of course assuming he sees a problem and he's willing to start communicating and working things out.
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