:mad: can commitment phobic people change?
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:mad: can commitment phobic people change?
It depends on the individual. Just what do you define as "commitment phobic?" More information would be helpful here. Are you talking about one person in particular or are you addressing a pattern of perceived behaviors from a lot of different people? Keep in mind that "commitment phobia" has a flip side as well, that of being too anxious and wanting to rush right in, which is never advisable.
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Originally Posted by s_cianci
An ex husband who wants to date but never marry again or move in. doesn't want to have to answer to any one...
He is not so much commitment phobic as he is possibly guarding himself against any entanglements right now. Called self protection. It does not last forever. Alos, if he can get what he wants without making any commitments - who can blame him?
How soon after his divorce are you pursuing this guy? Is he your ex husband? Post divorce groups such as "Beginning Experiences" states a person should give themselves a good three years after the divorce to even think about a serious relationship. There is a lot of baggage to contend with in a divorce and healing and getting one's self re-adjusted. Rushing into another relationship is not emotionally healthy.
So he just wants to date - does he want to date you? If so, why would you want to date him? Or are you both seeking something mutual here, because you know each other and do not have to take the risk of meeting anyone else?
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Originally Posted by shygrneyzs
Hi I am not pursuing him he keeps coming back to me we have been divorced from each other for 3 yrs, I end up seeing him but he does not want to marry again in the furure or move in and can't sleep over for some reason... if he keeps coming back, what is he so afraid of? He says he wants to do what he wants and does not want to answer o any one... mixed messages.. yet I make him feel secure.. he says
Also we have been together 11 yrs total, I can't seem to b OK with not talking about a future together after I already was married to him.. if he keeps pusuing me and things are good what's the problem??Quote:
Originally Posted by hair2007
He wants to be with you without all the work to make a relationship worth having. It has more to do with being selfish, than it does with commitment as he doesn't take your wants and needs in to consideration. Why do you keep letting him and his selfish ways worm back into your life? Not good.
I have to agree I think with Tal.. and this leads me to believe that the guy I am dating is perhaps the same way because that his friend told me that he is selfish in handling relationships. What was the cause for the divorce?
Hi mainly his selfishness when I say I was always last I mean it, he doesn't want another job after he comes home from work he said. I divorced him after separated 2 years he lives with his parents but yet he wants to grow old with me and he doesn't want to answer to any one...
He wants his cake and wants to eat it too... that's how I see it. You need to set some ground rules (which is also what I'm going to have to do in my case), and tell him.. it's either all or nothing... maybe when he realizes his option and that you might leave, then he might go for the ALL... I don't know but he sounds as though he is being immature to even have a marriage right now. And how old is he to be living with his parents?
The real answer here is that people can (and do) change all sorts of things about themselves, including stuff like commitment phobia. But here is the message you need to heed -- they aren't going to do it for you. And oddly enough, the way this works is the more you insist that they do, the more dug in they'll be about it and not even being open to influence!
The mature person realises each of us has the absolute right to be whoever we choose to be and if that doesn't meet your standards, that's YOUR problem, not theirs. Eleven years of waiting for him to change makes you look like you simply won't deal in reality. And frankly, there is no helping you until that changes.
We are both 37 he lives with his parents and also bought acondo 3 yrs ago he doesn't live in it or rent it out... he admits he has issues big deal.. but he thinks I should be happy to c him a few times a week or more.. marriage never an option again uncomfortable sleeping a t my place I should be happy to cause I can do what ever I want he says but see I've been there done that I'm happy in a relationship of mutual respect don't get me wrong friends and things too but not my first priority everyday..
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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
True I let him be who he is I never bother him remember he comes back to me telling me he has changed and I believe him and end up here I always think he means it you are 100% right with what you say thanks
Time to stop believing him, perhaps. It is your choice. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by hair2007
People who have problems with commitment tend to do exactly what you are saying... leave, and then come back, leave and then come back.. it's a repeating pattern... then once they beg your forgiveness and have you at their mercy, they leave again and the pattern continues.. Sounds like this is what your ex is doing... and that is why I say you need to set some ground rules!
So true I just got done reading a book about it his face should be on the cover... lol.. I still think it all depends on the person they are with that makes them behave the way they do for some reason, exspecialy if you read "hes just not that into you" you wouldn't believe in commitment phobia why can't it be if you love someone it works if not go away...
Now I am confused as to why you put up with this kind of behavior. He is doing what he wants, but are you happy with this arrangement? If you are what's the problem? If you aren't kick him to the curb and do what you want when you want. The problem is you not him. Make up your own mind and live accordingly.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Well I'm about to be not putting up with it that's why I'm venting and asking opinions, was saying about commitment phobic, some believe in it some don't I read a book on it and also one tittled he just not into u so trying to say his behavior is both... obviously I'm not happy with his behavior so that's why I read and come on here to get some advice to make a step forward in my life.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
I'm not changings spots I was agreeing that a commitment phobic does behave that way not agreeing I should set ground rules...
He needs to figure out what he really wants, and so do you. And you need to tell him. If he can't handle what you want, that's his problem. You're just trying to be honest and open, nothing wrong with that. I'm kind of in the same boat, my boy is afraid of commitment but he's trying, and I'm trying to be patient. I think you definitely need to "set some ground rules" otherwise he is going to walk all over you. Try and stay focused on YOU and your wants, your growth, your thing. Tell him you're there for him as his friend, nothing more. If he comes around he comes around, but don't wait around for him. I know it sounds so much easier said than done, but it's true. He needs to learn and grow, and sometimes the best way to do so is on your own. Stay strong, know your worth!
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