Ask Me Help Desk - Son who doesn't appreciate me.

I have a 27 year old son that I have done a lot for. He is not married but is going to be a father in November. He is in love with the girl and probably will marry her. He has his own business but I have paid for much of it. I put him through college and he has his B.S. degree in business.

Because this will be my 1st grandchild I wanted to make sure that they had a nice place to live. I signed for a years lease on a beautiful apartment for them and am paying for it. I bought all new furniture for the apartment and had a $2000 baby shower. I also pay for a leased car for him.

He tells me to call before I visit. I suppose that is O.K. but it makes me feel that I am not family. I stopped by last week to see the furniture that was recently delivered. My son was home alone and told me a normal person calls before they come over... I guess that I am not normal... When I tried to help by picking up some things he said.. there you go again. I guess I am a clean freak but I just wanted everything to look nice for him and Beth (his girlfriend). He called me a bad name because I said some things to him out of anger. My anger comes from feeling unwelcome. My anger comes from feeling used. My anger comes from working 2 jobs to be able to keep up with payments for his business and now his apartment.

I am so depressed. My husband and other 2 sons say to stop and let him go. What will happen to my grandson. Now I am not speaking to my son and he hasn't called.

I just sit here working, paying the bills for him and feeling unwelcomed. I don't know what to do. This past week has been a nightmare for me.

Please help me...

Will you adopt me? I'll treat you better.

In all seriousness, he's a spoiled brat and acting like it. Close up your purse and stop giving him everything on a silver platter. He is a grown man and should now be earning his own way without Mommy spoon feeding him.

What will happen to your grandson? Your son will have to figure that out. You are done raising children and this child is his responsibility not yours.

And yes, courteous people call before they visit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

Will you adopt me? I'll treat you better.

In all seriousness, he's a spoiled brat and acting like it. Close up your purse and stop giving him everything on a silver platter. He is a grown man and should now be earning his own way without Mommy spoon feeding him.

What will happen to your grandson? Your son will have to figure that out. You are done raising children and this child is his responsibility not yours.

And yes, courteous people call before they visit.

You are right!!

Bella

It sounds like you are trying to buy your way into their lives. Not a good idea. And neither my mother nor mother in law would dare visit me without calling first to make sure it was convenient. That's the loving and courteous thing to do, especially when there is a new baby.

I'm sure they all love you. Please back off and give them some room to breathe. I'd even venture to say an apology from you is in order. And give them a chance to love you without your pushing yourself on them.

I really think the problem here is that you are smothering him. You aren't giving him a chance to be a man. He is 27 after all.

We all want our children to have better than what we were given as children. We want them to have the best and we don't want them to want or need for anything. However, there comes a time that we need to stop being so generous and let them use what we taught them. He is no longer a child, he has his own business. It's time for him to cut the apron strings (umbilical cord in my opinion since that' my profession). It's also time for you to cut the cord as well.

You pay for his business, his apartment, his baby shower, etc. When does he have time to be a man and do it himself?

Is there a reason he can't pay his rent? Is there a reason he can't pay for the business loans? Is he upside down?

Mom, he's 27 so that makes you around 45-47 yourself. Is there a reason you feel it necessary to wear yourself down working 2 jobs to provide for a child that you have raised to be independent?

I also have to ask why you are working 2 jobs when in other posts you proclaim yourself as a doctor. Are you a doctor?

Look, it's not going to be easy to break the pattern that you have created. It's going to be holy H.. E... double hockey sticks. But he is a man now, with a formal education. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet.

Yes, it's harsh. I've been there, done that, and got the t-shirt, but in the end it was worth it.

I think it's a nice thing to do and that's probably what you need to here he is acting like a brat try talking to him say that you just wanted to to help him :)... Good luck hope I helped

'I just wanted everything to look nice.. '
Ah, straight out of Everybody Loves Raymond episodes. No matter how much you give and give and give, you don't get to run the show as a reward.
It's time to stop giving, and time to also understand where his deserved boundaries are.

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My husband and other 2 sons say to stop and let him go.

I fully agree with them.