Ask Me Help Desk - Compulsive Lying

Hi:

My boyfriend of 3 years lies for everything. He first lied to me that he and his sister who is a year apart are twins. I only found out sometime ago and to confronted him... todate he hasn't admitted it was a lie. In another instance he lied that his father is dead, I have recently found out that his father is very much alive... when I confronted him he told me another lie in his defence. I was told by his sister that he has been lying since he was a child and has been constantly reprimanded for it. I spoke to him and told him I know he has a problem and let him know how much I love him and offer to help him, but he is adamant that nothing is wrong with him (he doesn't have a problem). I really love this guy and wants a futre for us but his lying is tearing me a part.

I need to know if I should change my approach or I should just give up on him

There are three issues here:

People most often lie for a reason. Your boyfriend is telling alot of lies, which I would see as an immedite warning sign that there are deeper issues at play in his mind. The lies are just the forward shield he puts fourth to hide or divert others - including you - away from the truth.
People often won't admit they have a problem and ask for help until they hit a point of realization that there really is something wrong with their behavior. Your boyfriend hasn't had that realization yet.
People often think they can "fix" other people. I'm sure you think that is you can help him and get him to change... but it's much more likely that you can't, and the pattern of behaviour will decline further over time.

If you stay with him, be prepared to have a lot of patience and understanding with his constant lies. Maybe you can take that, after all you've been with him for three years already.

I'd suggest making a choice that is healthy for you. I think that it's only a short hop from being a liar to being untrustworthy. I fit were me, and I saw he was one that "lies for everything", I would be gone before the next lie comes out of his mouth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VOLLYP

Hi:

My boyfriend of 3 years lies for everything. He first lied to me that he and his sister who is a year apart are twins. I only found out sometime ago and to confronted him.... todate he hasn't admitted it was a lie. In another instance he lied that his father is dead, I have recently found out that his father is very much alive.... when I confronted him he told me another lie in his defence. I was told by his sister that he has been lying since he was a child and has been constantly reprimanded for it. I spoke to him and told him I know he has a problem and let him know how much I love him and offer to help him, but he is adamant that nothing is wrong with him (he doesn't have a problem). I really love this guy and wants a futre for us but his lying is tearing me a part.

I need to know if I should change my approach or I should just give up on him

Hard one, how patient are you? Sounds like he would benefit from getting professional help to stop before you committt to a depper relationship with him. Nancy

My boyfriend lies to me all the time about other girls, where he's been, how much money he has people other girls ) on his msn , and I think I've just realised that lifes to oshort to hang onto people who have those issues cause they ( he ) isint going to stop anytime soon unless he wants to not be cause you want him too, I've learned that people don't change that way

Quote:

Originally Posted by VOLLYP

Hi:

My boyfriend of 3 years lies for everything. He first lied to me that he and his sister who is a year apart are twins. I only found out sometime ago and to confronted him.... todate he hasn't admitted it was a lie. In another instance he lied that his father is dead, I have recently found out that his father is very much alive.... when I confronted him he told me another lie in his defence. I was told by his sister that he has been lying since he was a child and has been constantly reprimanded for it. I spoke to him and told him I know he has a problem and let him know how much I love him and offer to help him, but he is adamant that nothing is wrong with him (he doesn't have a problem). I really love this guy and wants a futre for us but his lying is tearing me a part.

I need to know if I should change my approach or I should just give up on him

It sounds like he is a pathalogical lyer. I have known people like this and most of the time they just can't help themseleves. It is a mental sickness and he would need to go to counseling to help himself. You yourself cannot do this for him, he needs professional help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by VOLLYP

Hi:

My boyfriend of 3 years lies for everything. He first lied to me that he and his sister who is a year apart are twins. I only found out sometime ago and to confronted him.... todate he hasn't admitted it was a lie. In another instance he lied that his father is dead, I have recently found out that his father is very much alive.... when I confronted him he told me another lie in his defence. I was told by his sister that he has been lying since he was a child and has been constantly reprimanded for it. I spoke to him and told him I know he has a problem and let him know how much I love him and offer to help him, but he is adamant that nothing is wrong with him (he doesn't have a problem). I really love this guy and wants a futre for us but his lying is tearing me a part.

I need to know if I should change my approach or I should just give up on him

I had the same problem with my ex-husband. He would tell me he slept with this girl or that girl which turned out to be some innocent girl at the mall but he enjoyed getting me worked up and feeling jealous because he would work at it until I was upset one way or another. From what I learned about him while we were together I believe it has been a long "habit". I think he did/does it to help himself cope with life and to make himself feel better seeing that people close to him could get worked up by something he says, true or not. I am not saying that your man is doing this for the same reason. I feel that a person lies either to protect themselves or to build up a hurt ego or self image. See if you can find out if something traumatic happened to him, even something small that means a lot to him would be enough. If you really love him than I would suggest digging deep and working with him to determine the root cause and then working to fix it. Is he open to couples counseling? Something like this can be serious and I recommend holding off on marriage and children if you can. I did not and learned that it's hard to get out when there's so much involved. It's been 13 years since I was last with my ex and I still have a hard time forgiving him for lying to me, even about stupid things that didn't matter. I have done a lot of searching within myself to understand him and his motives. He has had a life time of emotional and physical abuse and I really think that lying is a way out. If I had the knowledge then that I do now I would have tried to help him or find someone who could help him because he's really hurting himself. Good luck.