I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years. We are both in our early 30's. Over the past year or so, our sex life has all but died. For the first six years we had sex about 3-4 times per week. Now we have sex once a month, if I beg. His masturbation habits have gone the other way. He used to masturbate about 3-4 times per week and now he does it every day, sometimes more than once.
I tried talking to him about this problem a couple times, and he has admitted that “we don’t have sex very often” (try never). But, he becomes very angry when I ask him about maybe cutting back on masturbation so that he can save a little sex drive for me. He gets really self-protective and starts defending his right to use porn which I don’t care about. I have never had a problem with it in all the years we’ve been together. What I do have a problem with is that he seems to be very sexual, but never with me.
Since talking hasn’t worked, I tried changing other things. I lost about 10 lbs and I have worked harder on my appearance to try to be sexier. Thinking that maybe he was just more tired, I have tried offering blows jobs and hand jobs. He agrees to these more often than sex, but still no more than 2-3 times per month and he never has any enthusiasm for it. When we do have sex, it really seems like a chore for him. Getting him to climax seems to take forever (despite all my attempts to find positions he likes and to show him how much I enjoy it, how much I love him), though he has no difficulties getting/keeping an erection.

I’ve read a bunch of other posts about similar topics so here’s some further info:
-Outside of the bedroom, our relationship is great. When we’re not at work, we spend most of our time together and love being in each other’s company. He says he loves me all the time and I say it just as much.
-We have had physicals within the last 6 months and are both healthy with no medical conditions that should interfere with our sex life.
-I do not think he has any kind of addiction to porn or masturbating. Also, he hasn’t been watching anything really bizarre or different. I know because we have always been very open about what we watch.
-There have been no major changes to our professional or personal lives recently or a year ago when things started changing.

So, what do you think is going on with him?

You really covered your bases. I honestly don't know what to suggest other than counselling. You've talked to him to no avail. You've got no problems with his wanking and pron.

Maybe he wants to settle down and make things official. I think it is something psychological. Don't rightly know how to suggest you go about fixing this other than couples counselling or just counselling for him.

Sorry and good luck.

I brought up the idea of us getting advice or help a while ago and after your suggestion just recently I brought it back up. He said things aren't that bad (despite my protesting that they are) and from his viewpoint he's right - for him, things really aren't that bad. We're doing everything the way he wants and his needs are met.

I love him and I believe that he should get to do what he wants and that I can't tell him otherwise. But something needs to change for our relationship to work and I have tried everything I can to make things better. Now I've failed and because I can't ask him to change and am met with anger when I do, I'm left with no options. He doesn't want to change his behavior and believes that as an adult, he shouldn't have to change for someone else. I believe the same things and don't want to push change on him through guilt or anger. But honestly, what do I do? I am totally helpless in this situation.

Anybody have any other ideas?

I'm in a similar situation so I can sympathise here.

I don't agree with you when you say he has no problem with masturbation etc.
You've said he is masterbating more often than he used to and, like my boyfriend, he seems to prefer it to the real thing, otherwise he would switch it around and be having sex everyday and masterbating once in a while.
He's gets angry because he's very defensive about what he does or doesn't do.
I've given up with my boyfriend, and I'm now considering moving on because I feel passion when I'm close to him and can't do anything about it! Very frustrating!
If you can't talk to him and get any compromise then you have two choices, stay and be grateful for whatever he gives you or move on and try to find someone who ticks all the boxes!
I don't remember signing up for a celebate relationship! And I doubt you did either!
Its taken me several months of preparation but I'm nearly ready to move on, I've chosen to spend time alone for a while and look out for someone who wants me!
Hope things work out for you. Take care x

HelpWanted,
Hmm that is really odd. Obviously he has a normal/high sex drive. It doesn't make sense after 6 years of a good sex life he would just stop and only masturbate. It's like he's given up trying to put effort into the intimacy of yall's relationship. He's gotten really lazy. I understand occasionally wanting to masturbate instead of having sex. But the extent that things have changed is really weird! 3 or 4 times a week for 6 years, and then down to once a month! That's a huge change. It's one thing if he wasn't masturbating and has gotten a low sex drive.. but he's masturbating almost daily! It sounds like you've had a pretty good attitude about it. But if I were you I'd be pissed off and offended!

You said he is stuck in his ways and refuses to change. But he was very sexually active with you for 6 years! He's totally changed in the past year. I would be trying to dig deeper as to why he's changed. This isn't his normal, you know? It's one thing if he was very sexual with you the first year and then it slowed down. But 6 years is a long time. 3 to 4 times a week was his normal. I'd be asking him what the hell has changed? Why doesn't he want things the way they use to be? I mean I'd understand if it had slowed to once or twice a week, but it's changed to once a month! It may not be the right tactic but I'd pester the hell out of him to try to understand what is going on. Does he understand that if it keeps on like this the relationship probably won't last? Does he even care?

Have you brought up counseling? Is he open to that?

Has he lost passion for other things in his life? Maybe he's depressed. Depressed people don't always seem sad. It's more like they've lost interest in their hobbies or in everything, and feel "blah" a lot of the time. Or if they aren't as outgoing as they use to be and would rather stay home all the time and isolate themselves. Have you noticed anything like that?

I reread your post. And just wanted to add, I'm like you.. I have nothing against porn, I watch it myself. And I don't care that my husband does either. :-] I also tend to roll my eyes when people jump to the conclusion of "porn addiction". But watching porn everyday, sometimes more than once, and then never having sex with you. It does sort of sound like it could be turning into an addiction. But I see it as maybe he's needing to have more "zone out" or "me time" than usual, and he's just using porn for that. But that tends to make me think, well why does he need to go off and zone out with porn so damn much? Maybe he isn't coping with things as well as he was and this is his new way of dealing with stress. And unfortunately it has turned into a habit. Forget "addiction" I'd just say it's turned into a bad habit. He needs to replace the porn time with something else. Even if it's just zoning out watching t.v. or video games or whatever else he's into. At least then he'd have some sex drive left for you.

If you don't think it's an addiction, he's healthy, and there isn't tons of stress being heaped onto him, then have you considered the fact that maybe he's just gotten lazy and selfish? I mean, sex is not always perfectly convenient and takes effort. Not only does it take physical work but you have to worry about how your partner is feeling/thinking and you might not always want sex or be available for it at the same time, etc.

Maybe in this aspect of your relationship he has just developed a preference for masturbation. He knows exactly what he wants to feel and when, and in porn he has a partner that he gets to hand pick and who is available anytime for anything. Then when he's done, he just turns the person off. The above description makes for great sex for one person because the entire scenario is focused on serving only one person. This is what he's doing because making the effort with you is too hard. I think he's selfish.

It seems like this problem developed gradually. Maybe as he did it more and more he realized that it was so much easier and stuck with it. I think his neglect of you isn't intentional, but from your description it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard to work through things with you when you do discuss the problem. Independent adult or no, he must change for this relationship to get better. You've already tried changing many things about yourself. Let him make the effort and sacrifice for once.

"Addiction" "bad habit" or "laziness and selfishness" the result is the same for our relationship.

After lots of pushing, he finally talked to me about this whole situation. I got a lot of the same stuff from previous conversations (why am I nagging him about this, he can do whatever he wants, things aren't that bad). I tried not to lose my temper, but couldn't help it. I listed all the things I changed in my attempts to fix our sex life, asked him how he couldn't notice what a huge problem this had become, and told him plainly that he needed to change. He then basically said that he was sorry I'm upset but he wouldn't do it. I've already done everything I can think of and he's not willing to do anything. So, we agreed he should move out at the end of the month. I feel brokenhearted, especially after so many years, but it takes two committed people to make a relationship and he's not in it anymore. Is this wrong?

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Originally Posted by ;

"Addiction" "bad habit" or "laziness and selfishness" the result is the same for our relationship.

After lots of pushing, he finally talked to me about this whole situation. I got a lot of the same stuff from previous conversations (why am I nagging him about this, he can do whatever he wants, things aren't that bad). I tried not to lose my temper, but couldn't help it. I listed all the things I changed in my attempts to fix our sex life, asked him how he couldn't notice what a huge problem this had become, and told him plainly that he needed to change. He then basically said that he was sorry I'm upset but he wouldn't do it. I've already done everything I can think of and he's not willing to do anything. So, we agreed he should move out at the end of the month. I feel brokenhearted, especially after so many years, but it takes two committed people to make a relationship and he's not in it anymore. Is this wrong?

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Short answer is No.

There really isn't a long answer. It is an incompatibility. It really isn't different from couple who is spilt on wanting children. You tried your best. You had a good go at it and did all you could do. Wasn't meant to be.

It sucks. It hurts. It is for the best. I am sorry you had to go through this.

It is not wrong at all. It's his loss. Really. How lame for him to choose porn 29 days out of 30 over a real live girlfriend! I don't know what is going on with him but you did everything you could to make things better. And he's too damn lazy to put in any effort at all, or even acknowledge that he needs to!
Breakups suck. But you definitely made the right decision. I'm sure things will get much better for you after some time has passed. :-) Good luck!