Ask Me Help Desk - My husband cheated with other men

I just found out that my husband of 23 years has been meeting other men from Craiglist for oral sex. This has come as a complete shock to me. This has been going on for about 3 years. When I confronted my husband about it he came clean about it all and says he has had these fantasies since he was a young child but has always suppressed them. He insists that I am the only one he wants, he loves me and is attracted to me. He says that he has always been attracted to women and the man fantasies would just pop into his head from time to time. He (on his own) has begun going to a psychiatrist and is willing to go to counseling or whatever we need to rebuild our marriage. I love my husband very much, can I trust what he is saying? He insists he is not gay, does not want a divorce and swears it will never happen again. Thoughts?

He meeting other men for oral sex = a gay activity. How can you perform a gay activity and not be gay?

It sounds like he wants to give it the old college try to stay together. He was honest about his activity and is willing to seek counseling to hopefully understand himself better. I am guessing that is more than most men would do - speaking as a man of course.

You say you love your husband very much - it sounds like you want to try as well. It also sounds like you two have the foundation to put things on the right course, whatever that may be.

I did the same thing when I was married and we decided to part ways. We are still good friends and she knows the truth about me. In fact I just got an email from her 5 minutes ago.

Thank you for your reply Oliver. I have said those exact words to my husband that he must be gay. He insists he is not, hence the reason he is going to see a psychiatrist. That's why I am looking for advice. Could there be something else driving his behavior? He did come from a very abusive background, not loving at all. His step father was very abusive and he knew who his real father was but he was never in his life.

We basically have two issues that need to be resolved 1) Is he gay or bisexual-if he is truly gay then there is no need for us to go to counseling for the second issue which is 2) he cheated-doen't matter rather it was with a man or woman-it was still cheating.

We have had a very strong marriage up until now and have always had a great sex life, so it has really been a shock for me as I never expected.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver

He meeting other men for oral sex = a gay activity. How can you perform a gay activity and not be gay?

That is incredibly closed minded. Sexuality is a spectrum, no one is completely gay or completely straight. As to why the husband went for men, probably just easier and it's a little less like cheating. He can ensure that there are NO strings attached and they won't try to sabotage anything between him and his wife.

Does that make him gay? Nope. Close your eyes and you can't tell the difference. Maybe on an intellectual level. A blowjob is a blowjob. You put your in another person's mouth. They do their thing. You give them a little throat yoghurt and it's done.

Plus with a man it is harder to push them off and stick it in. Or anything else he does with his wife.

The tenses here are a little old, trying to address both the original poster and you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by oliver

It sounds like he wants to give it the old college try to stay together. He was honest about his activity and is willing to seek counseling to hopefully understand himself better. I am guessing that is more than most men would do - speaking as a man of course.

It does show that he wants to work on things. Whether it is the guilt or a genuine desire. That is up to him. I think he honestly wants to make amends and work on things. It is up to both the original poster and the husband to know if it will work.

As to whether this is what most men would do or not. Leave that out. Most men wouldn't be on craigslist looking for men to blow them. So let us ignore the broad generalizations for the moment shall we?

Quote:

Originally Posted by oliver

You say you love your husband very much - it sounds like you want to try as well. It also sounds like you two have the foundation to put things on the right course, whatever that may be.

I did the same thing when I was married and we decided to part ways. We are still good friends and she knows the truth about me. In fact I just got an email from her 5 minutes ago.

I don't think we can really tell what the original poster what to do in this situation. He is trying to make amends which is positive. He cheated. That isn't.

He isn't gay. That is a certainty. If you want proof of that than thing about all times he's had sex with you. You admit you have a great sex life so you have to believe that he would rather plant his pee-pee in you hoo-hoo. Something he would have no interest in if he favoured men.

My best reasoning is that he had his interest piquéd. There could be some deep seeded reason that the psycharist will uncover, but in the end I think he was just curious. I don't think it was any latent homosexual desires. I think he was being completely honest when he said that the fantasy would just pop into his head. Probably just turned on enough to explore it.

I think along with conselling on his part you should do some couples couselling. Explore what this means to the relationship. Maybe this could be the end. Maybe it can be saved. Maybe it will change into something better. One things for certain, it will never be the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

That is incredibly closed minded. Sexuality is a spectrum, no one is completely gay or completely straight. As to why the husband went for men, probably just easier and it's a little less like cheating. He can ensure that there are NO strings attached and they won't try to sabotage anything between him and his wife.

Does that make him gay? Nope. Close your eyes and you can't tell the difference. Maybe on an intellectual level. A blowjob is a blowjob. You put your in another person's mouth. They do their thing. You give them a little throat yoghurt and it's done.

You are wise. Thank you