Ask Me Help Desk - My 20 year old daughter never calls me

After reading some of these questions I'm beginning to think that maybe I should count my blessings but here goes.

My problem is my 20 year old daughter never calls me, she didn't contact me when she found out my mom died, she only lives an hour away but you would think it's half way across the world.

She works full time, she no longer has a boyfriend and is moving in with another guy that she says she is just friends with. We have furniture for her but she can't be bothered to come get it. The only time I talk to her is when I call her. And when I do she sounds like I am bothering her. She had a good childhood, did well in school, loves her little sister but it seems she just does not care about us.

Am I reading too much into this? My husband says to stop calling her and if she wants to talk to me she'll call me. But I only call her about once a month, its not like I am hounding her. My husband says she's an adult now and if she doesn't want anything to so with us then that's her prerogative. Still it just seems rude that she does not want to have anything to do with this family. I feel like just giving the furniture away to someone else who would appreciate it.

I just feel so sad... should I just listen to my husband and leave her alone?

Thanks,

Welcome to grown children, yes keep calling her your once a monthy if you want to, call her twice a month if you want to,

You can call her and continue to wait until she calls back. And wait. But why do this to yourself? It is not getting you anywhere but feeling frustrated, not appreciated by your daughter, and angry. I would follow your husband's advice and not call. Drop her a note and say that this furniture that you have for her, she can pick up by a certain time, or else it will be donated to the Salvation Army or whatever charity you have there. If your daughter has any possessions at your home, the same rule applies. You might get a new room to make-over!

Do not continue trying to figure her actions out. Take charge of only yourself and get some control back for your own feelings. Your daughter is not responsible for how you feel and you are not responsible for how she feels. You cannot rely on her, nor should expect her, to make you happy. In fact, we should never count on someone else to make us happy. That places an expectation on that person that they may not be able to fulfill. If we cannot find that center of happiness and satisfaction in ourselves, we are not going to find it within someone else.

So, Mom, cut the apron strings, put the apron away, or just plain burn that apron. I have been there - my oldest is 33 and my next is 26. The only one who listens to me yet is my youngest, who is 19. All part of growing up. We cannot wait for them to stretch their wings and yet we still want to hold onto a little piece. I understand that.

Take of yourself, treat you and your husband to something nice and move forward. Best of luck to you.

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I just feel so sad... should I just listen to my husband and leave her alone?

My dear listen to your husband and live like you never have before. Redo the bedroom and you, and enjoy your husband. I mean enjoy to the fullest cause them grandkids will be here before you know it and then its back to the old grind:eek:

You should listen to your husband and leave her alone. She is an adult and she needs to live her own life. All I can recommend is whenever she does come around be her mother for her. Do not hold any resentment. You're the mother not her. Best of luck.

Joe

Hmmm, this is a tough one. Sometimes, when I don't really know what to do, it is best that I sit back and do NOTHING. Have you point blank asked her if there is something wrong? We adults have to be straight forward with our children, and sometimes we aren't because we are afraid of what the answers might be. But it is best to at least ask, so the communication can begin, whether it is good or bad. Moms usually feel different about things than dads. We worry and get hurt more by how our children acts or reacts towards us. You do what feels good for YOU to do. But ask first, and at least know where you stand. Have a good cry, your daughter might be cutting those apron strings, and you have to mourn a little bit. Good Luck and hang in there!

Just a thought from the other side of the equation. There was a time that I didn't want to have much to do with my mom. She and I have very different personalities. I like to kick back and take things easy... she gets antsy and wants to do something (I've learned to appreciate her visits, because she cleans while she is here!). When I was about your daughter's age, I kept feeling like she was judging me, and that if I didn't do things her way, she wouldn't be happy. So I didn't do a lot of interaction with her (made easier by being in a different state). But there came a time, when I had my life under control, and had been on my own for a bit, that I realized that we were just different people, and that when she made a suggestion, it didn't necessarily mean that I was wrong, or that I had to take the advice. We're back to being friends now (heck, we're even going on vacation together this year, my treat!), but it took me getting comfortable with being in charge of my own life for that to happen. So, hang in there, follow your husband's advice.

And if you can't do that, I'd suggest still calling her on your schedule, but think of it as "just a chance to chat". Tell her how her sister is doing, talk about a movie that you saw recently, etc. Don't ask any heavy questions ("So, do you have a new boyfriend yet?"), and try to make it more about the rest of the family and life in general than it is about either you or her. If she's feeling a bit smothered, it may give her a way of connecting and allow her to open up again at her pace, not yours.

Hope this helps!