Originally Posted by
J_9
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my father 5 years ago to natural causes, but I have lost several friends and an uncle to suicide.
The difference is that, with my father for instance, we know WHY he died. We know what actually caused the death. However, with suicide, you are left wondering forever what caused this to happen. What was so terrible that the couldn't get through tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that.
I don't know about you, but I was so angry... so frustrated... so lost. Looking back I see that my uncle and my friends are out of their pain, whatever their pain was. They are no longer suffering with the demons that we couldn't see.
With people who die of natural causes, they are usually dealing with pain that is obvious to the outside world, but people who take their lives by their own hands are dealing with pain that we could never imagine.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. While it is really no consolation, take peace in knowing that his pain, whatever it was to him, is over. He is no longer suffering the demons that were torturing him, the demons that were invisible to us.
Grieving is a long process. You will feel anger, you will feel guilt. But know that you were loved by him. Talk to him, let him know you still love him. Spend time with family and friends who also loved him. Talk about the good times, because I'm sure that's how he would want you to remember him. Joking and laughing is not only what he would want, but it is cathartic to you as well.
My thoughts are with you in your time of pain.