Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend keeps avoiding sex

I've been with my boyfriend 20 mnth and he says I'm perfect and loves me but he keeps making excuses up to not have sex.He won't even touch me instead of having sex. It's gone from three,times a week to once a week to once a fortnight.I'm left feeling neglected and undesired.I've tried talking to him about it but he just says I'm over thinking and there' s no problem. He' s so affectionate to me but never touches me sexually between.

Does he work, go to school, have family issues?

Women tend to think that a man is always looking to have sex, that a man can be ready any time a woman demands it. The fact is, men, like women, have to be in the mood. If he isn't in the mood, if he's stressed, or worried about something, than adding to that stress by constantly asking for something he can't provide, isn't helping.

When you sat down and talked to him did you do so in a non-confrontational way, or did you do the whole "I feel, I want, I need, I want to know, I...I...I...me...me...me" thing? Be honest with yourself.

Fact is, only he knows why he's not in the mood. If he won't tell you, there's really very little we can tell you that will help. So you either find out from him, and do so in a loving way, you live with things the way they are, or you find someone that can do what you expect.

Those are your options.

Yep there is a big misconception that all men want sex as much as they can get. Not true! Sure some men are like that, and some women too. But whether your male or female we all have different sex drives! Couples with the same sex drive are pretty lucky. Anyway, you are going to need talk about it (when you're not upset) and both compromise, meet in the middle somewhere.

It could honestly just be stress or he's extra tired lately. How long has this been going on? Also, it's normal for our sex drive to wax and wane from time to time. But if it ends up that he does have a lower sex drive than you, and he won't budge or try to meet you in the middle somewhere, then you'll have to decide whether you want to stay or go.

I would give it some time though. I had the same issue and I was getting super upset which made the situation worse. When I finally stopped making a big deal about it and backed off, that's when he started to put more effort in. We had a good conversation about both putting effort in and we haven't had to talk about it ever since. Once or twice a week is usually the most we'll have. And for the most part he just can't do it on the weekdays, he is too exhausted from his job. That use to bother me but not anymore. I can wait until the weekend. :-) Plus if I'm really horny during the week I can just masturbate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Does he work, go to school, have family issues?

Women tend to think that a man is always looking to have sex, that a man can be ready any time a woman demands it. The fact is, men, like women, have to be in the mood. If he isn't in the mood, if he's stressed, or worried about something, than adding to that stress by constantly asking for something he can't provide, isn't helping.

When you sat down and talked to him did you do so in a non-confrontational way, or did you do the whole "I feel, I want, I need, I want to know, I...I...I...me...me...me" thing? Be honest with yourself.

Fact is, only he knows why he's not in the mood. If he won't tell you, there's really very little we can tell you that will help. So you either find out from him, and do so in a loving way, you live with things the way they are, or you find someone that can do what you expect.

Those are your options.

He runs his own business and is always stressed but it' s been like that for 20 months. We were at it like rabbits in the beginning. He doesn't masturbate because I' ve asked him. He says he' s not seeing anyone else. He says I' m all he wants and needs and he wants to marry me. I've asked him to just touch me and not have full sex but he made an excuse not to.I ' ve asked if we could arrange one day a week to be sexy but nothing came of it. I' ve asked if he' s just not that into sex and he said it' s not important but I' ve told him we can' t survive in a non physical relationship so he said he,would go to the docs but never did.I' ve asked if he finds me attractive and he said yes. He' s loving and super affectionate but will only have sex when he initiates it.He' s turned me down more than 20 times so now I' m too scared to go near him for fear of rejection so I just have to wait until he wants me which makes me sad. He has a good relationship with his parents,he doesn't smoke or drink a lot. He' s scared I'm going to leave him and,tells me he loves me several times a day. Nine month into our relationship I found out he was sex textin his ex when he said they were ujust friends.He said he doesn't love her and was just going along with it and didn't want to upset her.I made him choose because they crossed the line and he chose me and was deeply sorry that he' d hurt me. Everything would be perfect apart from this. Just so confused because I haven't changed.I' ve always been loving towards him and I always make an effort with myself and our relationship. Help!

I

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

Yep there is a big misconception that all men want sex as much as they can get. Not true! Sure some men are like that, and some women too. But whether your male or female we all have different sex drives! Couples with the same sex drive are pretty lucky. Anyways, yall are going to need talk about it (when you're not upset) and both compromise, meet in the middle somewhere.

It could honestly just be stress or he's extra tired lately. How long has this been going on? Also, it's normal for our sex drive to wax and wane from time to time. But if it ends up that he does have a lower sex drive than you, and he won't budge or try to meet you in the middle somewhere, then you'll have to decide whether you want to stay or go.

I would give it some time though. I had the same issue and I was getting super upset which made the situation worse. When I finally stopped making a big deal about it and backed off, that's when he started to put more effort in. We had a good convo about both putting effort in and we haven't had to talk about it ever since. Once or twice a week is usually the most we'll have. And for the most part he just can't do it on the weekdays, he is too exhausted from his job. That use to bother me but not anymore. I can wait until the weekend. :-) Plus if I'm really horny during the week I can just masturbate.

It' been going on for about,15 months.I feel like I'm begging for sex.I' ve tried to compromise by suggesting we just pleasure each other but that hasn't worked. I' ve tried stepping back and pretending it doesn't bother me but around day 10, I feel so frustrated I can' t sleep. I' ve even contemplated seeing someone for sex just to take the frustration away but I want sex with my boyfriend and no one else.and I think it would only make me feel more confused.I' ve pleaded with him to tell me why he doesn't want me physically but I'm going round in circles because he says he doesn't know or he' s tired or he' s ill or stressed or he hasn't had a shower or he hasn't brushed his teeth so he can't kiss me for too long.When the sex goes,so does the affection because I can't go near him without wanting him or him thinking that I want sex so it' s slowly disintegrating before my eyes and I don't know how to make it right. Do I just give up.It' s been over a year that this as been going on?

Okay 15 months out of 20 months he's been like this. It does sound like he has a low sex drive. I really do know what you're going through. I've been with my guy for 9 years and he has a low sex drive. There have been many many months where we only had sex 2 times a month, and sadly even only once a month at times! (I hate to admit that). But at the same time we lived with his parents so I told myself maybe that had something to do with it (maybe that was somewhat true.. not sure). Anyway, I knew deep down it was him, but it made me feel like I wasn't sexy enough or something.

It is hard to tell you what to do. I know my husband isn't "fixed" with a higher sex drive now, but because of my changed attitude about it, we really are having sex more.

In the past, there were times I'd come onto him and he'd say he's too tired and I'd get pissed and leave the house. Or get really upset and cry and even though I wasn't trying to hurt him, but getting upset about this made him feel like less of a man, that something was wrong with him. (Which I sort of felt like there was something wrong with him!). I never had a guy reject me before him, or want less sex than me. In our first year of dating (we were 21 years old), we hadn't had sex yet but we would fool around. While we fooled around and he was fingering me, he fell asleep numerous times! How embarrassing! So you can only imagine how my resentment built up over the years. After a while he started telling me he was scared to come onto me because he thought sex=fighting. Which really it's no sex = fighting, but that's not how it came across to him. I thought him telling me stuff like that was just excuses. But now I know that's really how he felt. It wasn't until reading this board with azillion other women complaining about the same problem, that I changed my thoughts about it. Like he really can't help the way he naturally is, and there are many other guys like that. And me getting upset with him and making a big deal over it (even if I only got upset once a month or once every few months), it was NOT helping the situation.

I don't know what exactly made things better. But I've told him the advice I've read on these boards and that I'm sorry for how I treated him when I would get upset. And that everyone on this board said pressure and arguing about it is a "libido killer" and he had been basically saying that the whole time! But I didn't believe him until reading this board. So I think it is a viscous cycle. Getting upset (even if it's not that often) only hurts the situation and he will come onto you even less. The times I got upset about it were the times we were only having sex 1 or 2 times a month.

Sorry to go on about it. This might not work for you. But it's worth a try. You really can't get upset for several months! And treat him better in general. My husband is more affectionate to me than I am to him (like holding hands, little pecks etc), so I tried doing more of that because I know he loves it. And I did more stuff around the house. And I tried being sweet to him more than usual. And I really let go of being upset about it. I finally accept him for how he is. I had no clue whether things would get better or not, but it did. He started putting more effort in and actually coming onto me (he rarely came onto me before).

If you really try for a while and he still doesn't improve then I don't blame you for leaving. You tried everything!

But don't feel guilty for leaving now either. Only you know what's best for you. If you still want to make it work, then I'd put in more effort into other aspects of your relationship. Put sex out of your mind. If you get horny, just masturbate. And also try to keep yourself busy with other things. I am an obsessive person, which is what I did with this issue and I don't recommend it! It doesn't help!

I hope things get better for you with whatever you decide!