Ask Me Help Desk - Husband cheated twice and wants me back

When current husband (age 46) and I were dating he cheated on me with very young woman. We broke up for about 6 months and he came back and wanted to try again so we did. I chalked it up to midlife chrisis. After we were married for about 3 years he started to talking to another young woman (younger than his son) online and via text. It got to the point where he was sitting on the couch next to me or across from me at the dinner table and texting her and ignoring me. I'm not stupid. I knew what was going on. My daughter (age 19) also claims that he made a pass at her as well. I believe her. He has a problem.

I ended up having an affair because I felt neglected, and needless to say things got worse. I moved out and now live in another state. The problem is he wants me back again. He's been to counceling and says he's better now, but at the same time he says what he did wasn't that bad. Wouldn't I be crazy to take him back at this point? Even with the counceling he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong and hurtful, and he SAYS he never meant anything by the comments he made to my daughter.

I do still love him or this wouldn't be an issue, obviously. Does anyone have suggestions? Thanks!

Saying 'he never meant anything' is the oldest cop out in the book, and is a good indication that he hasn't changed at all.

The fact that he isn't apologetic about your daughter is inexcusable, and the nail in the coffin of this relationship. What is your daughter's feeling about this idea of getting back together?

She is obviously against us getting back together. She thinks he's lecherous... I just don't think a few months of counceling can fix this no matter what he says...

Quote:

heathergia (1 Posts) Asked Today, 01:56 PM —
When current husband (age 46) and I were dating he cheated on me with very young woman. We broke up for about 6 months and he came back and wanted to try again so we did. I chalked it up to midlife chrisis. After we were married for about 3 years he started to talking to another young woman (younger than his son) online and via text. It got to the point where he was sitting on the couch next to me or across from me at the dinner table and texting her and ignoring me. I'm not stupid. I knew what was going on. My daughter (age 19) also claims that he made a pass at her as well. I believe her. He has a problem.

I ended up having an affair because I felt neglected, and needless to say things got worse. I moved out and now live in another state. The problem is he wants me back again. He's been to counceling and says he's better now, but at the same time he says what he did wasn't that bad. Wouldn't I be crazy to take him back at this point? Even with the counceling he doesn't seem to understand that what he did was wrong and hurtful, and he SAYS he never meant anything by the comments he made to my daughter.

I do still love him or this wouldn't be an issue, obviously. Does anyone have suggestions? Thanks!

Marriages have survived cheating (physical and emotional), but it takes a lot of work on the parts of both individuals. It is good he is (or has been) in counseling. If you decide to try to make the marriage work, I would suggest Marriage Counseling. If possible, starting before you made any plans to move back in together. Having a mediator such as a counselor could help you both understand each other's viewpoints, air out any unspoken grievances and determine if you can work together to move forward.

There may be some points you will have to compromise on and set clearer boundaries for moving forward. Those boundary lines will have to be set by both of you. If you can't agree on what the expectations and boundaries of good behavior are, then the marriage won't survive.

Something to think about in making your decision on whether to try again, if he did (to your satisfaction) understand that what he did was wrong, would you be able to allow the trust to be rebuilt? Would you be able to let the past go? Do you think you can keep the past from becoming ammunition in future arguments/fights? Do you think he will be able to allow himself to trust you again (does he know about your cheating?)

I won't tell you what to do. I will say that if both of you can let the past go, rebuild the trust, learn to better communicate with each other, and work together then there is a chance to have something better and stronger than you had before. However, if only one of you is trying to hold it together or there is a chance the past could become a tool to hurt each other, then don't even try.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Marriages have survived cheating (physical and emotional), but it takes a lot of work on the parts of both individuals. It is good he is (or has been) in counseling. If you decide to try to make the marriage work, I would suggest Marriage Counseling. If possible, starting before you made any plans to move back in together. Having a mediator such as a counselor could help you both understand each other's viewpoints, air out any unspoken grievances and determine if you can work together to move forward.

There may be some points you will have to compromise on and set clearer boundaries for moving forward. Those boundary lines will have to be set by both of you. If you can't agree on what the expectations and boundaries of good behavior are, then the marriage won't survive.

Something to think about in making your decision on whether or not to try again, if he did (to your satisfaction) understand that what he did was wrong, would you be able to allow the trust to be rebuilt? Would you be able to let the past go? Do you think you can keep the past from becoming ammunition in future arguments/fights? Do you think he will be able to allow himself to trust you again (does he know about your cheating?)

I won't tell you what to do. I will say that if both of you can let the past go, rebuild the trust, learn to better communicate with each other, and work together then there is a chance to have something better and stronger than you had before. However, if only one of you is trying to hold it together or there is a chance the past could become a tool to hurt each other, then don't even try.

Good luck.

He knows about my cheating, too. He claims to have forgiven me already, but anytime we get in an argument it's the first thing he brings up... He really thinks that what he did was 'not that bad' (his words), and he totally refuses to acknowledge the things my daughter has accused him of. He either says he never said that or changes the subject. Maybe I've answered my own question. I don't trust him and he doesn't trust me or admit to being wrong...

It does sound like you have answered your own question.
You have heard various approaches here. I don't usually sound so emphatic. But he not only doesn't sound like he has changed, he sounds like he has no intention of changing. He may think he has, but he's all excuses, denials, and rationalizations.

The fact that he made a pass at my daughter would be a real deal breaker for me. I would not take him back. Would not even consider it. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice...