Ask Me Help Desk - Relationships...

I am a 23 year old man, I work hard, take care of my family and try to do everything I can to help. I guess I'm average on that note.
2 1/2 years ago I got back with my current Fiancé, she came back to crying and pregnant to me, the babies Daddy had fled to state and left her with no one. At that point I decided I would take them both under my wing. Fast forward a couple years and we have bought a house and two new cars and the Baby is becoming a full fledged toddler.
We have had kind of a rocky road since we have been together, we are kind of separate personalities (Im more of a home body and she's not) and it has led to some issues in the past. The past year or so, I have not been feeling the love AT all, its like when were home its depressing, she just lays there and every once in awhile talks to me. I really try to be as loving as caring, play with her, and take her out... I mean I really try to keep it going and make her happy.
What makes me question what is going on... 1. is the fact that as soon as someone comes to visit (it doesn't matter who) she gets happy and she turns into the person I fell for... but then they leave and it almost immediality- it goes right back to how it is when were alone. 2. She takes forever when she leaves, and when she comes back she gets on the phone and goes outside to talk (for a good 20-30 minutes at a time). 3. When I'm happy, she seems like she is depressed (not just one off, almost every single time) and when I'm in a bad mood or unhappy, she seems happier and actually treats me like *I think* its supposed to be. 4. We never have sex, it is pretty much once or twice a month. I try a few times a week but get shut down (there are minor others, but for the sake of your eyes, I won't type them).
I have asked her about every one of the above issues and I usually get told that she has 'chemical imbalances' from her pregnancy (over two years ago) or she blames it on some random medical issue that doesn't seem to exist. I am just so confused, I don't feel the love at all anymore, and I don't think I have done anything that might have caused all this to happen. Maybe I'm just being paranoid and my outlook on relationships are different than it should be.
For the past few weeks, it has got a little worse for me personally and I have dropped into a spiral spin downward because I can't deal with the above issues anymore. I get to thinking that she is only with me for the $ (I make good money by the way, she could not make it without me), or if she is just waiting for someone else to come sweep her off her feet... and I've been getting more depressed around her because nothing has changed (oddly enough, she has been happy... because I'm down, its very very strange... ). I just need some advice from people who aren't partial to me or her, has anyone ever went through anything like this? Or ANY advice that may help?

I will give any other information that amy help get to the root issue, I am not looking for 'visit a family therapist', I am looking for advice and also I am sorry if its hard to read, I'm actually typing this up at work, so I didn't really have a lot of time. Thank you all in advance for your help.

Her mood elevation when you are feeling down could simply be a natural reaction. When you're with someone who is depressed or angry do you ever act overly positive or calm to compensate? I don't think she's enjoying your pain, just reacting to it.

As far as the situation overall is concerned, it seems like you need to work on communicating clearly and she needs to find ways to increase her levels of happiness (for the sake of your family). Have you tried simply having a serious conversation with her to discuss these problems and to tell her how you feel? Asked her exactly what she is feeling and why she thinks/feels the way she does? If she lights up around other people, maybe she just needs/wants to socialize more. Maybe she's feeling lonely. Her 'chemical imbalance' as you described might indicate depression. If so, seeing a doctor and/or therapist and taking medication such as fluoxetine might help.

She appears to be missing something in her life that if she had it would otherwise be happy and able to share that joy with you. She doesn't seem to be able to take care of it herself so figure that out together and in the process improve your relationship.

... However, I caution that some people will never be happy with what they have. If she is one of those people (which it seems like she could be), then there will be no solution for her.

Thank you for the response, that is some really good advice. I have actually sat down with her numerous times and talked through it, I try to look at myself too and see if its me that is causing it. I have recently been becoming more and more self conscious and down about myself which is why I'm reaching out here. I really love her and her kid... I just don't know what else to do besides a Therapist, I was hoping for some kind of thing we can do together that may help.

You can go to couples therapy. Is he happy with you? Have you talked about that?
Does she work? May be she needs a job, something outside of the home to do, but you two definitely need to do something. She needs to communicate with you.
Taking her back and caring for that child was admirable. I hope she is thankful and is not just taking this all for granted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You can go to couples therapy. Is he happy with you? Have you talked about that?
Does she work?. May be she needs a job, something outside of the home to do, but you two definitely need to do something. She needs to communicate with you.
Taking her back and caring for that child was admirable. I hope she is thankful and is not just taking this all for granted.

Yes, she has a job now... originally when we were talking about this a year or so ago (when she didn't have a job) she was saying that WAS the issue, with not having a job. Now she does and it hasn't changed. Ive asked her numerous times that exact question 'Are you happy with me?' she responds with a 'how could you even ask that, of course I do' is almost her exact words. Im not trying to make myself look like a perfect guy or anything, but I would assume she should have a deeper level of respect and love because I am caring for them both... when I really don't have too. Im just so lost with this entire situation...

The relationship is not working for you and you are not married so I think you need to set a timeline for her to move out and move on. You've bonded with the child, so perhaps you can continue to be part of the child's life and help in some ways with that. If you can help her move on financially, that would be a kind thing to do.

It sounds like she has emotional/mental health issues. If you want to keep trying, I think her staying in your life needs to be conditional on her addressing those issues seriously and sticking with whatever program is put in place for management of her apparent depression or bipolar issues or post-partum or whatever is going on with her.

In any event, don't accept the status quo. Being sorry for someone is not a good reason to be in a life-in relationship and it also sounds like she has not treated you very well.

I agree with dontknownuthin, it might be time to end this. You are not happy, you're not married to her, there is no reason to try and stick with this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

The relationship is not working for you and you are not married so I think you need to set a timeline for her to move out and move on. You've bonded with the child, so perhaps you can continue to be part of the child's life and help in some ways with that. If you can help her move on financially, that would be a kind thing to do.

It sounds like she has emotional/mental health issues. If you want to keep trying, I think her staying in your life needs to be conditional on her addressing those issues seriously and sticking with whatever program is put in place for management of her apparent depression or bipolar issues or post-partum or whatever is going on with her.

In any event, don't accept the status quo. Being sorry for someone is not a good reason to be in a life-in relationship and it also sounds like she has not treated you very well.

Yeah I understand, that has been pretty much what I've been thinking, ill give her one last oppurtunity to get it in order, and then the option is not being there anymore. I can't let her bring me down with her issues anymore. Thank you all for your advice.