I have been with my fiancé for almost two years now. Our relationship has not been the smoothest, but I love him very much and I believe that he loves me too. He does not handle arguments very well, and he started physically abusing me after a year from our engagement. About 4 days ago we had a huge argument where he almost broke my nose and left me with a black eye and a torn lip. He kept calling me and apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and that he won't do it again. I was very upset, and I did not want to get back with him right away, even though I already knew that after less than 5 days I will give him another chance because I love him way too much and can't live without him.

I called and talked to him two days ago. I asked him what he did that night after the fight and he told me that he went home and did not do anything. Yesterday I found out that he went and had sex with someone. I have not confronted him about it yet. I can't control my emotions. I feel really hurt and betrayed. I would always notice his wondering eye, but he would call me paranoid and that I am insecure.

I am a very good looking girl, who has always gotten compliments. After being with him I have lost my confidence and have become very insecure. He tends to lie about the smallest things and he tends to blame me for his mistakes and make me feel bad.

Please help me. What should I do? I don't think that I can ever forgive him, even though I can't imagine myself with another guy. I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me without having sex with another guy. How can I let him know that I know what he did that night, and what can I do for him to get hurt and regret his action.

If you can not see yourself with someone else, please get professional counseling ASAP,

He abuses you, that is not someone that loves you, what will it take a broke arm, but no, by then you will understand that he has taught you it is always YOUR fault not his. So you know he does it because he "loves you"

Now he cheats.

Will it take being put in the hospital to wake up ?

Leave him now, don't look back, get some self respect back

You are not a kid, don't be so childish. Leave him! And pull yourself together. On day, he will realize he was wrong. And you just go ahead.

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I have been with my fiancé for almost two years now. Our relationship has not been the smoothest, but I love him very much and I believe that he loves me too. He does not handle arguments very well, and he started physically abusing me after a year from our engagement. About 4 days ago we had a huge arguments, where he almost broke my nose and left me with a black eye and a torn lip. He kept calling me and apologizing and telling me how much he loves me and that he won't do it again. I was very upset, and I did not want to get back with him right away, even though I already knew that after less than 5 days I will give him another chance because I love him way too much and can't live without him. I called and talked to him two days ago. I asked him what he did that night after the fight and he told me that he went home and did not do anything. Yesterday I found out that he went and had sex with someone. I have not confronted him about it yet. I can't control my emotions. I feel really hurt and betrayed. I would always notice his wondering eye, but he would call me paranoid and that I am insecure. I am a very good looking girl, who has always gotten compliments. After being with him I have lost my confidence and have became very insecure. He tends to lie about the smallest things and he tends to blame me for his mistakes and make me feel bad. Please help me. What should I do? I don't think that I can ever forgive him, even though i can't imagine myself with another guy. I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me without having sex with another guy. How can I let him know that I know what he did that night, and what can i do for him to get hurt and regret his action.

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This will seem harsh to you because it isn't what you want to hear, but please read and think:

You start by standing up for yourself and stop being a punching bag. You go to the police and file file charges against him for abusing you and you follow through with it.

You cut off all contact with him unless it through a lawyer or other authority figure. You go to counseling and support groups.

You learn how to give yourself love and support. You listen to other people who have walked in your shoes and have the scars to show "I'll never do it again" means "I won't do it again until I get mad and want to let my frustration out on your body."

The best way to handle this is by learning to love yourself more than you think you love your abuser. Walking away with your dignity and self-respect intact is worth more than anything you can do to him.

Attempting to make him feel what you do will only hurt you even more and give him justification (in his own mind) to take out his 'hurt' on you. What do you honestly think his reaction to you playing 'revenge games' would be? He hits you when he gets upset about relatively minor upsets. Are broken bones a realistic outcome of him even thinking you cheated on him?

You are hurting, upset, and angry. Use those emotions to stiffen your resolve as you walk away from him. When you are in a safe place, let them go. Work on your relationship with yourself so that you are a stronger person who won't put up with abuse again.

Thank you very much. I will try to take your advice, even though it is easier said than done. When it comes to reporting him, I would not do something so aversive, I rather just be able to let him go.

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Originally Posted by MarinaMarina201

Thank you very much. I will try to take your advice, even though it is easier said than done. When it comes to reporting him, I would not do something so aversive, I rather just be able to let him go.

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I know it won't be easy. I won't sugar-coat it. It is going to hurt. You will feel like going back just to ease the emotional pain. However, you can give yourself ways to lessen the pain and even out the bad spots.

Support groups are a way to help you become involved in something that will help keep your resolve from crumbling.

Put energy into things which help you feel good and more confident. Hobbies, volunteering, community classes, etc. can help keep your mind and body occupied and break old routines and habits.

When you think about going back or contacting him, do something else. Even something as small as listening to new music or rearranging your drawers can have a positive affect.

Believe in yourself and give yourself a chance to let go and heal.

I understand why you don't want to go to the police. It is your choice, but I want you to think about the situation as clearly and objectively as you can. If there is even the slightest chance he could hurt you again, then you need to have a record of what he has done.

One thing you will learn from other people who have been abused is that the abuser can put on a very convincing act of being sorry and apologetic to get their prey to 'trust' them again then when they can get close enough they attack again. Please be very careful.

Take care. Good luck and may you find peace and confindence in yourself.

Don't confuse passion with love. Passion is dramatic, all-consuming, highs and lows. Love is a lot more relaxed. With love you feel a sense of comfort, stability, wellbeing and knowing there's someone you can count on. With passion, you feel a need for reassurance, trust is shaky, there are big arguments and big make-up times. You don't know where you stand with the person, they keep you guessing and trying to do more and more to keep them. The feeling can be desperate and as you described it, as if you cannot live without them. You should know that when you love someone and they love you, you both remain independent enough to know that while you would not choose to live separately, you have enough self esteem to know that you absolutely would leave them if you were being abused. A true loving relationship has expectations as part of it - boundaries as part of it. That's all missing in this relationship.

I would recommend you leave him and get counseling and if he ever takes a hand to you, you will have no choice but to press charges to draw these missing boundaries. You cannot fix this dynamic - many people have for tried many, many years and they just get more of the same drama and abuse, sometimes ending in death, jail, etc. It's not good for either of you to be together.

I recommend counseling because many women in abusive relationships tend to get in one after another. You need to learn how to identify these situations and get out early in the future.

Your boyfriend can live without you and you can live without him. The fact that he's cheating before your married is one deal-breaker, but the abuse is an even bigger deal breaker. Also, your statement that you can't live without him is very concerning. Nobody should make you feel that you cannot live without them - they should make you feel like you can do anything and everything with or without them. Think of parents - our goal is of course for our children to love us, but above all, to outlive us independently. Spouses have to do this for each other, too - make sure that they are each whole on their own, and then even stronger together. One will die first - both must always be able to care for themselves.

Thanks to both of you! You guys brought tears to my eyes. I really hope to get myself out of this. What bothers me the most is the fact that I am 28 years old in graduate school, yet I think and act so childish when it comes to my relationship. I can give the best advice ever, yet when it comes to me, I go blank. Thanks again to all of you!! If you have anymore comments please feel free to comment, I enjoy reading them. God bless.

Everyone here is right. You need to stand up for yourself. He has you believeing he loves you and that's usually what happens Ina an abusive relationship. No matter what it seems like he isn't going to change. I understand you may love him and don't know if you could live without him. But look at all the bad he has done to you. Insure there is someone out there that can love you and treat you right. There are plenty of men out there give it a chance and get out of your comfort zone and do what's right for you.

Also if he loved you he wouldn't of had sex with another women. No excuses about it. He did wrong and every one deserves to be happy and safe.

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Originally Posted by MarinaMarina201

Thanks to both of you! You guys brought tears to my eyes. I really hope to get myself out of this. What bothers me the most is the fact that i am 28 years old in graduate school, yet I think and act so childish when it comes to my relationship. I can give the best advice ever, yet when it comes to me, I go blank. Thanks again to all of you!!! If you have anymore comments please feel free to comment, I enjoy reading them. God bless.

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I would just like to add that this too shall pass. You seem like you have a lot goinh for you. Unfortunately you met and fell for the wrong man.

Let this one go and I am sure the right one will come along. Take this as a learning lesson to avoid the red flags in the furture.

You will learn and grow, and him?

... he will stay the same. Such a pitty.

Why waste time and love on a lying, cheating, out of control woman beater?