His father Is constantly harassing him every week he goes to visit, always asking him what he's doing and sending him back wight messages for me saying, "daddy said..." , also I send him with shoes and they go fishing , like he has no she at his dads, he comes back and his dad hands me the shoes, chuckles, and says " sorry we went fishing", shoes filthy , and I tell my son now their trash we have to throw them away, once again he says "daddy said they were trash anyways" , also I cut his hair a day before he left and I ask his father not to cut it, he shaved his head and tells my son to tell me to leave his hair alone that his dad will cut it not me. I don't want my son growing up thinking that acting like this is okay. Also I have my son in school/daycare, his father sends him off to whoever can watch him , he is now four and should be in daycare or school, right? Help!

I don't see enough to get a change in custody or cut out the father's visitation. You can get an attorney and go to court to try, but I just don't see a court granting it.

What the court may do is send you both for parenting classes. You both seem to be using your son as a pawn in the relationship between you and that is bad for your son.

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... he is now four and should be in daycare or school, right?.

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No. Where did you get that idea? Kindergarten starts at age 5 in most places. And, before then, day care is optional.

ABSOLUTELY stop using the boy as a pawn. Both of you need to concentrate on the sharing terms in a civil way and keep telling yourselves and each other that it's for his sake. Write it all down in an agreement. We don't need to hear every little story, even if his dad does more manipulation than you - but we don't know that. And we don't know who left whom, or the financial situation, which can cause resentment.

And... be glad your ex takes the boy fishing. Most shoes are washable these days even if you just throw them in a sink.

I am actually ashamed of the behavior of both of you, you are about as bad as the father, you in return talk bad about everything father does.

You wash his shoes, I wash all Tennis shoes right in washing machine, but can be done by hand, or you send a old pair back for the next time they go fishing. If you actually threw a pair of shoes away and told your son you had to throw them away, you are as much of the problem as dad is.

No the courts are not gong to change and full custody still allows him visits, just not joint say in education or life choices.

With what you said, if you went back to court, both of you would be ordered to take parenting classes.

Next time you get married, before you decide to have children together make sure you two can and will stay together forever that way you child doesn't later become a victim like the one you have now.

The child is the one that has to suffer because of spiteful estranged spouses.
The child does in no way deserve to have to go through this sort of thing and both parents ought to be ashamed of themselves...
Reminds me of selfish baby boomer types that think the world revolves around them..
Hate to break it to you but the child's well being and happiness is more important than both of you...
Now work it out or you will end up with your child resenting or even hating both of you for putting him through all this nonsense..