How do I repair a mother daughter relationship, that often starts with argument concerning my youngest grandson who is spoiled beyond belief. His brother is eight years old and is non-verbal with Autism and it will destroy me if I do not get to see him there is never an issue over him in all of his eight years. I provide child care at will, clean the house and believe I am supportive as possible, and to do this I have to cross the border into the states from Rosarito where I live since it is the only place I can afford to live.

I am Bi-Polar 1 and when pushed too hard have lost my temper dramatically and our last row last week could be irreparable. Any advise would be of great help.

Thank you, Patricia White.

I had a mother in law just like you.

She would come over while I was at work and clean my already spotless house, when I never asked her to do that. She would then tell all the family, once during a Christmas party, what a horrible housekeeper I am, that if it weren't for her I'd have two or three dishes in the sink, and one pair of underwear that wasn't washed, ironed and put in the drawers.

Whenever I asked her to babysit (I asked her 3 times), she made it sound like she was giving me the world. After the third time, and all the issues asking her caused, I stopped asking. I didn't want the drama.

I ended up fixing it by asking her to give back the house keys my husband had given her, thereby eliminating her ability to get into my house uninvited. I then asked her to call before she came over. It took years of my pulling out my hair, setting my limits, and sticking to them, before she understood that I wouldn't be bullied into doing things her way. It was my show now, I'm the wife to her son, the mother to her grandchildren, an adult, and I do things my way. She finally gave up and started acting like a grandma and a MIL instead of a martyr.

You may think that your grandson is spoiled, and you would raise him differently. That's not your call, you're not his mom.

If it's too inconvenient for you to babysit, then tell them that you can't do it anymore, but if you choose to, then stop the guilt trip " I provide child care at will, clean the house and believe i am supportive as possible, and to do this I have to cross the border into the states from Rosarito where I live since it is the only place i can afford to live." Major guilt trip there, and that's only what you said here, I can imagine what you say to them.

I know you won't like my post, and you'll think I'm being harsh. I'm sorry if that's the case. You want a relationship with your child and your grandchild. If you want to fix this, then read my post, own up to your part in this drama, and change it. Realize that you cannot control what they do, that they are the parents now.

Will they make mistakes? Sure they will, no parent is perfect. But let them make those mistakes on their terms. If they ask for help, be there, but stop butting in. Put yourself in their place. You were a new mom once. You managed, and I'm sure you made mistakes. They deserve the same chance.

I applaud you for recognizing that your bipolar disorder is likely a factor in the dynamic between your daughter and yourself. You probably feel like you're telling her the obvious about how to be a better parent. She's probably heard it "a thousand times" and wishes you would shut your pie hole and let her be her own kind of parent. She probably feels that with two small kids, one with special needs, that dealing with a bipolar episode with her mother is just above and beyond what she can reasonably manage.

You need to learn to manage your own behavior and accept that you are not going to be the person that your daughter wants parenting advice from because, coming from our mothers, from whom we all want nothing but approval and support, it sounds like a criminal conviction. She will get all kinds of advice and feedback from the kid's schools, her friends, etc. and you need to rely on that system and be the supportive, doting grandmother who thinks her daughter and grandchildren are miraculous wonders.

Also recognize that your way is not the only way. I am a very strict parent. My friends are not. When all of our children were young, I about was driven mad by my friend's laxity in raising their kids. One would cook alternative meals at her whining daughter's demands and go to great efforts to cajole the child to eat. It irritated me because my approach would have been, "Be grateful and eat what's offered or leave it on your plate. This is not a restaurant - we eat what is served." Somehow this child managed to outgrow this particular behavior without my help and she is a very selfless and caring young lady on full scholarship to college. Another friend permitted her child to interrupt endlessly, to be very selfish with his toys, and to be so loud it was deafening. This lasted until the child started school and other adults in his life addressed these behaviors. He had to share in school, was not tolerated interupting teachers, and had to learn to use his indoor voice, also in school. He is now a chemist, running a very important medical research lab. He is not a loud or selfish person at all. None of our kids grow up during one visit with grandma, or even a series of visits with grandma. We grow up over many years, and learn some lessons sooner than others. So, catch them doing things right and otherwise, leave your daughter to be the mother.

My grandmother had 7 children, 20 grandchildren, 30 great grandchildren. I will never forget that my cousin and I were both once screaming and running through the living room and driving her nuts. She called us over to her and said very quietly, "your screaming hurts my ears and your running shakes my house. Can you girls please find something else to do that doesn't bother other people?" We did. Before we forgot the correction and started ramping up again, she came to find us and took us aside from all the other kids and handed us each a Hershey's kiss. She said, "I asked you girls to stop screaming and running and you respected me, so I am very, very appreciative and proud. I want to thank you." We never forgot that Grandma was kind, and that she didn't like us to scream or run in the house. She did not always reward things she asked us to do, but often enough that we complied regularly.

Build bridges through kindness with your family, not anger.