Hi there

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 2 years (he's 33 & I'm 30) We pretty much moved in together straight away. For the first 6 months the sex was great and he had a really high sex drive. Then he drastically reduced his cocaine use after being a long term user. Around this time the sex reduced massively, he could only have it when he was on cocaine, for around 2 months.

(Since then, when he occasionally does have cocaine, he doesn't want sex at all.) Our sex life in general is boring as hell, we have sex once a week, sometimes less (and very occasionally slightly more) but it's never spontaneous, he never gets a hard on in the morning like he used to, and never seems horny to me.

Our sex life is basically, once a week, he'll say "shall we go upstairs for some fun", we go upstairs, he rubs himself so he gets hard, sometimes asks if he can watch me play with myself, I give him oral for about 30 seconds, then we have sex in 1 of 2 positions: doggy or missionary. He doesn't last very long and I don't orgasm any more. Quick kiss and cuddle and that's it. I don't feel a connection with him, often I feel like he's just masterbating with a vagina instead of his hand!

We've had friendly chats about it, how I'd like to take things slower and have a bit more foreplay, he says he's worried that if we have lots of foreplay he'll be finished before we even start (then why does he have to rub himself hard as soon as we start doing anything?). We got some viagra which makes him last longer but doesn't address the fact that he just doesn't have the desire, at least for me, any more.

We've talked about spicing things up a bit and trying different things but he doesn't initiate anything like that and when I've tried something different I get a luke warm response which really knocks my confidence.

The thing is he watches porn quite a lot and it upsets me sometimes, I didn't mind it when our sex life was good but now it annoys me, that he'd use up any sexual energy he has on looking at porn and not bothering with me. And from what I've seen , the stuff he watches is boring, not exactly inspiring, just very basic stuff.

I can understand a guys desire to watch porn and I watch it myself, but I don't think it does anything to help our sex life, I think it's lazy and selfish, instant gratification, too focused on penetration/orgasm. I've always felt that porn ruins men to a certain degree (if they watch it a lot), makes them lazy lovers, I mean where is the imagination?

When I've asked him about it, he either says he's trying to raise his libido by watching porn and seeing if he can get horny, it's easier for him to do that, because if he starts to have sex with me and realises he's not into it it's hurtful for me, it's basically easier to watch porn than risk disappointing me. Or, that he was horny there and then and I was in bed/not there etc.

Also, when I do very occasionally bring it up, he gets defensive and says that talking about it makes it more of an issue and won't help at all, that if I just leave it things will sort themselves out. So I do, I just get on with it and don't worry and bring it up, and I can do this for months, and nothing changes, and he never takes the initiative to do or try anything to make things better. So I feel stuck, like I can't talk about it, but that nothing will change if we don't talk about it!

Everything else is great in our relationship and he's a really loving caring guy and we get on really well. I just don't know what to do. Any ideas anyone? Thanks for reading.

Porn is not the issue here.

You've already identified the issue. He was on cocaine and horny, now he's off and he's not. Long term Cocaine use tends to impair sexual function . Not being able to perform off cocaine will hamper his confidence and ability to perform otherwise.

I would get him to get off completely and talk to a doctor about detox. See how things go afterwards. Could be a long road to recovery. Might have to involve a little blue pill too.