My husband took a young girl from the office on a date over a year ago. He lied about the circumstances around this 'outing' and I found out the truth after I questioned him and he confessed. I forgave him at the time as in the 20 years of marriage nothing like this had ever happened before. I was led to believe that nothing was going on but I kept a close eye.

After another 2 incidences where I felt suspicious in their company, I confronted him. He said that he supposes it's because this young girl likes his company and he likes the fact that someone likes his company. I had a meeting with the 2 of them and I told them about boundaries that I felt were being crossed. She cried and told me she never knew that she had crossed them and would do anything to fix the situation and she would like to be friends.

For 3 days after our meeting my husband spoke about her every day. When I asked about work, he would answer that it's OK and the young lady is feeling a bit better each day. Why he thought I was asking about her.. I don't know. I had a fight with him about this and I am still very angry and upset and don't know what to do. I can't concentrate at work, I don't sleep much at night and have anxiety all the time. I don't know what to do.

I've given him the ultimatum to choose and he says he chose me but he spoke about this young girl for 3 days on every opportunity he could. He now says he's sorry, but I just don't believe him. She's come out of the closet to my husband and myself and says that she's gay but this doesn't give me any peace whatsoever. This is still a closeted fact from the rest of the office.

You should have given him the ultimatum the second you found out he cheated on you. I would consider trying to hide something from you cheating especially if it was about taking another girl on a "date".

I can certainly see where this would throw you off and shake your confidence a bit, as this is new to you. But I have found that being cool, and getting more facts, from her especially, that in time she may (or may not) be the threat you thought/think she is.

First impulse is to protect, but the whole thing started with your husband lying. Instead of ultimatums, I suggest you deal with the lying. To give him the benefit of doubt, maybe he lied to protect his friendship with her. Seeing how she is gay(?), maybe he knows she is "safe" and you both can enjoy a friendship, but the bottom line is how you handle your own feelings about the matter, and what you do about it.

I always TRY to cope with the feelings and get the facts before action is taken. That requires patience, and self control, as that may take time to be comfortable that you have the true facts. The best thing so far, is you have expressed your feelings about boundaries being crossed, and maybe hubby will need a refresher, and clarity about the boundaries of talking about her so much.

Besides the LIE, that seems to be the driving factor of your concerns.

The driving factor of my concerns are: Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh. He has put me down in front of her and elevated her in my presence. He says he doesn't know why he did but it was stupid of him. She says she see's him as a father figure but she has coupled their names (taken their 2 names and made 1 name) and says she is the 1 half of this name as she wrote it in a birthday card. It seems as if they have this fabulous relationship and now that I've found out about the depth of it, they want to set my mind at ease and include me in and make a trio of it. I cannot build a friendship that was started on a lie. He gets excited when he's in her presence and then does silly things. I don't think that I'm a jealous person as I've trusted my husband on numerous times with other ladies. I should be his best friend - not some other chick at work that makes him 'feel good' when he's with her. He should be getting his 'feel good' feelings from me as I get from him. He seems to think that I should have the same 'feeling' for this girl as he has... But I don't because he's always turning the conversation in a direction so he can talk about her. I have been cool and calm for the pas 15 months. I've collected all my facts then spoke to him about it. He denied everything at first but then admitted that he "feels good' in her company. I can't help but see a relationship where there are emotional attachments and not a mere friendship.

What is it you need from him that will help you through this?

Thank you for your time talaniman, I really appreciate it.
I needed the assurance that there's nothing going on. He gave it to me on more than 2 occasions. However, he seems to break it every time. I don't believe him anymore.
Because this is going on for so long now, I even had a chat with the 2 of them but it was if now that I've made my peace and spoke to this girl, now I should feel the same way about her as he does, but I don't. I've made this clear to him and I don't know where to go from here. I do feel for her as she has some mental health issues. But so do I and I go to the right places for my counseling. I just wanted to put this thing out there to find out what is normal and what is not as I'm not sure anymore. I'm not a jealous person. My warning bells have gone off and I've told him about it and he keeps doing silly things. He didn't have to have a chat with the other ladies in the office about them misinterpreting his 'friendship'. I am angry, upset and hurting at the moment.

You need to be clear to your husband to back way off this subject for a while and give you time to get settled emotionally from this. Its not that much to ask.

My wife and I both recognize the need to give each other time and space on emotional issue but we both are also aware of our own responsibilities to stay calm and in control of our own emotions, and not let our buttons be pushed easily.

I think the real key is giving up the notion of instant solutions, and showing patience as both partners grapple with the adjustments of dealing with their own feelings which usually takes time and a lot of practice to get it into a workable reality.

Time and patience is my advice, and keep working through it because I truly believe that a cool calm controlled approach is far better that an emotionally impulsive one. After all you have acknowledged this is a first for you, so just as you must have time so does he. Its hardly a perfect thing to deal with.

Firm, but gentle, and patient. Let him know clearly how you need reassurance, and also be willing to work on your own self control.

I'm still not understanding why you are putting up with this for as long as you have. Him putting you down in front of her?
He needs to decide if he wants to be married to you are be whatever he is with this girl. He seems to have no respect for you or your marriage.
What he is doing is totally inappropriate in my opinion.

Thanks for your response. I think that what I've heard from you all is good. I needed to know what is normal and what not... I really appreciate your feedback.

What's normal is that there are always stresses and challenges in long term relationships/marriages.