Ask Me Help Desk - Mom and Son

My son is 23 yrs old, he moved out of the house when he was 22 We were close until he turned 14, then he thought I was stupid. I kept thinking he would grow out of it. Now that he is out on his own he never calls his Mom. When I see him he is very dis-respectful to me. I wonder who he is at times. I did not raise him to be this mean and uncaring. He calls Dad when he needs something. I try to keep in touch by weekly phone calls or I stop and visit him. I was just there today. I just stopped by to say HI. I rang the doorbell and he answered "what to do want"? I told him I had some magazines and cookies if he wanted them. I also asked him if he wanted to see photos of my recent trip to Mexico with my sisters. He said "no I don't" "I am watching a movie" "leave me alone". I asked him why he hates me so much, his response was cause you keep bugging me. So I just left his home. I am never welcomed into his home. He always makes me feel like I did something wrong or that he is angry at me. My husband keeps telling me to leave him alone do not call or stop over until he makes the first move. I know he is probably right. I just feel like my son is depressed and he needs someone to help him out. I miss the fun happy child that grew up in my home. So the question is should I just leave him alone even if I think he needs someone to help him?

Your son is an adult now. Of course you should leave him alone even if you think he needs someone to help him out! He wants to assert his independence, work out his own problems. If he needs you he will come to you, and if he doesn't then he will learn on his own. That's what helps him to feel like he is a man! Don't take that away from him!

I'd say that your son has attempted to tell you how he feels and you just aren't listening! Maybe "leave me alone" is a clue?? While I don't condone his being ignorant to you, I can understand his frustration. Your husband is right. Your son goes to him because he isn't interfering.

Let your son know that you are there. Invite him over to dinner every couple of weeks or so. If he declines, say, "Okay. I just wanted thought it would be nice to have a little visit and a free meal, but if you aren't up to it, that's fine. I'll give you a call in a couple of weeks, but you know you are always welcome to drop by or call."

He may have things he needs to work out on his own. Let him be while letting him know you are there. Then step back and start making a life for your husband and you! You might be surprised as to the results.

Hugs, Didi

Yes, Dee, he is an adult. As much as it pains you, you must leave him be. You cannot force someone, even if he is your son, to speak with you and interact with you if he is not willing. Just dropping in on him will only aggravate him more and he will push you even further away. Your husband is right. Leave him alone. Concentrate on your life with your husband. Guaranteed, when your son doesn't hear from you for a long while, he will make an attempt to reconnect.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deestamp

My son is 23 yrs old, he moved out of the house when he was 22 We were close until he turned 14, then he thought I was stupid. I kept thinking he would grow out of it. Now that he is out on his own he never calls his Mom. When I see him he is very dis-respectful to me. I wonder who he is at times. I did not raise him to be this mean and uncaring. He calls Dad when he needs something. I try to keep in touch by weekly phone calls or I stop and visit him. I was just there today. I just stopped by to say HI. I rang the doorbell and he answered "what to do want"? I told him I had some magazines and cookies if he wanted them. I also asked him if he wanted to see photos of my recent trip to Mexico with my sisters. He said "no I don't" "I am watching a movie" "leave me alone". I asked him why he hates me so much, his response was cause you keep bugging me. So I just left his home. I am never welcomed into his home. He always makes me feel like I did something wrong or that he is angry at me. My husband keeps telling me to leave him alone do not call or stop over until he makes the first move. I know he is probably right. I just feel like my son is depressed and he needs someone to help him out. I miss the fun happy child that grew up in my home. So the question is should I just leave him alone even if I think he needs someone to help him?

You need to realize that he is an adult now. He has his own decisions in life to make. His own life to live without any interference and I am sure that is how he feels. If he just wants to be left alone and you keep showing up, keep calling and doing what you have been doing. Like others have said including your husband it will only make matters worse.

I would also like to add that obvously there is something inside of him that causes him to feel this way and maybe he is angry and mad at you for some reason but you can not control how he feels or thinks. Maybe in time he will open up to you but you need to let him do it on his own terms.

He is not a child anymore, he is a grown adult with his own life, house , etc... I hope the best for all involved but no more pushing yourself on him. Be patient, Be loving, and caring. Just let him come to you like everybody else has said.

Joe

Honey you just cut off contacting him, let him have exactly what he wished , NO CONTACT. I wouldn't give it more than 3 weeks before he wonders why you have not checked on him.
He is all grown now Dee and maybe he does feel like you are trying to smother him by" as he might view it you acting as if he is not an adult but a child". Dee you took him over cookies which (was nice of you) but from his view just another excuse of you finding a way to check up on him.
Leave him alone Dee trust me he is basically saying " i am an adult mother not the child you want me to remain".