Ask Me Help Desk - What can I do?

What can I do?

Hi. I am new to this website, and I am wondering if someone can help me.

My sister has 6 children (aged 13, 11, 10, 8, 7 and 5). I usually babysit for her an average of 2-3 times a week. I find it difficult to say no to her because of the way she reacts when I do.

If I say no to her, I am the worst person in the world according to her. She will spread rumors against me and cause my friends to hate me. I have tried ignoring her before, but she will usually turn up at my house and start verbally abusing me. She has a very abusive nature. I actually feel really sorry for her children, as some of her characteristics are starting to show in the older ones.

So anyway, she and her husband go on holidays on an average of 4 times a year, and I am usually the one who is stuck babysitting for her.

I actually just finished babysitting for 4 days and nights (and I was sick with a sinus infection for 2 of those days) while they went on a holiday to another state. I asked for $350, which is fair, as I drove the kids around (and the price of petrol is abysmal, as everyone knows), and bought them food (feeding 6 kids that are not even yours is not cheap). If it worked out to be an hourly rate, it is barely $3.65 per hour. My sister's husband makes $250,000 + every year, and yet she has the nerve to complain about me asking for that much money. I just find it so ridiculous.

And whenever I babysit at night while she and her husband go out to dinner, I find out later that they went and did drugs and got drunk. This happens at least once a fortnight. And if I have to work early the next morning, they don't care. They stay out till 4:00am.

She always complains about having no money, but every single item of clothing in her wardrobe would cost at least $150, while her kids are running around in ratty clothes that they have grown out of.

I am not complaining about the money though. I just want to live my own life without having to worry about HER kids. I am 21 years old, and because of those 10 years of babysitting, I think that it has put me off having kids (which is really sad because my partner wants children).

So how can I stop babysitting for her? Ignoring her does not help. Talking to her does not help (and believe me, we have exchanged a lot of words). What can I do?

Don't babysit anymore. She can't force you to do it. I am worried about the kids. Was there food in the house? Drugs, ill-fitting clothes, etc. sounds a lot like child neglect and possible abuse.

Time to set boundaries and stick to them. Say no nicely, but no apologies, no explanations, no dithering. If she verbally abuses you, ignore her and shut the door (or don't open it), say goodbye and hang up the phone, etc. If she bad mouths you to others, rely on the fact that people already know her enough to take her with a grain of salt.

It will be hard at first, but stick to your guns.

Just say NO, sorry if she is bad when you do, but do it. If you do, set in writing, strict prices and fees that others would charge. If they don't pay, don't baby sit again,

She takes advangate of you because you allow her to

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Time to set boundaries and stick to them. Say no nicely, but no apologies, no explanations, no dithering. If she verbally abuses you, ignore her and shut the door (or don't open it), say goodbye and hang up the phone, etc. If she bad mouths you to others, rely on the fact that people already know her enough to take her with a grain of salt.

It will be hard at first, but stick to your guns.

Thanks. But the fact is, she is so fake around other people. She is a completely different person, and people like her, and listen to her, because they don't know what she is really like. And she is very persistent. Very persistent. The longest period that I have gone without babysitting was 3 months when I was just fed up with it all. My sister went so far as to say that she had an epiphany (I think that's how it's spelled... ), and my whole family was hounding me about the fact that I wasn't babysitting. They all know what she is like, and yet they still tell me I should babysit...

Quote:

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

Don't babysit anymore. She can't force you to do it. I am worried about the kids. Was there food in the house? Drugs, ill-fitting clothes, etc. sounds a lot like child neglect and possible abuse.

She does force me if it gets to that point. She will bring the kids over to my house (even if I am not there), and leave them there.
There was food in the house, but the kids eat a lot. They go through about 5L of milk a day, but she pretty much just left frozen pizza's and pies in the freezer. I care about the kids enough not to feed them that for 4 days, and to actually give them proper food. My mum is constantly buying the kids new clothes even though it is not her responsibility, and the kids lend them to friends, or leave it at their other dad's house (my sister is on her second marriage, 4 kids to the first husband and 2 to the second)

Epiphany about what? How she was treating you?
Stop being a mouse. Tell her you have a life to live, you have a partner to be with and plan a future with, you have too many things of your own to do (and she doesn't get to say 'like what?'), you need to untie the apron strings, you are not her built in babysitter anymore. You shouldn't have to tell her or your family a blessed thing except NO. Just keep saying no. If you can't, if you won't, there is something about you that needs help, like therapy.
And lock your door. Leave the kids there when you aren't there? That's dangerous.

Quote:

Originally Posted by leeleechanda

She does force me if it gets to that point. She will bring the kids over to my house (even if I am not there), and leave them there.
There was food in the house, but the kids eat a lot. They go through about 5L of milk a day, but she pretty much just left frozen pizza's and pies in the freezer. I care about the kids enough not to feed them that for 4 days, and to actually give them proper food. My mum is constantly buying the kids new clothes even though it is not her responsibility, and the kids lend them to friends, or leave it at their other dad's house (my sister is on her second marriage, 4 kids to the first husband and 2 to the second)

Your sister and her husband are neglectful. If he makes such a good salary, the children should have full closets of clothes that fit. The refrigerator should have nutritious food in it. There is no excuse for their drug use. Leaving them alone at your house? Child Neglect!

How does she get into your house?

Hi guys. Just a quick update. My sister is the queen of texting wars, but I told her how I saw it. Her reply was to say that I am a f***ing, ungrateful b***h and that I don't deserve to be their aunty.
It just makes me really upset that she doesn't see what I do for her and the kids, and she plays the victim. She forgets how often I drop everything that I am doing to do stuff for her kids. My mum is exactly the same. She does everything she can for those kids, and my sister just treats her worse than a dog. It just amazes me how blind my sister is, to not be able to recognise how badly she treats other people. She has driven mum to tears on so many occasions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How does she get into your house?

There is a spare key for emergencies, and she uses that. If the key isn't in the usual spot, she will just make the kids go and play in the backyard with the dog.

Quote:

Originally Posted by leeleechanda

There is a spare key for emergencies, and she uses that. If the key isn't in the usual spot, she will just make the kids go and play in the backyard with the dog.

Change the locks, and if you come home and see children in your back yard, call CPS. And warn her beforehand that this is what you will do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Change the locks, and if you come home with children in your back yard, call CPS. And warn her beforehand that this is what you will do.

Ok. I'm just so sick and tired of it all that if it does come to that, I will. And I honestly think that those children are better off with their father. He did try and have custody of them when they were divorced, but the judge ruled in favor of my sister.
I don't even know why she had so many children... I mean, I love them all, but if she can't look after them properly, they deserve to go to someone who will, and who wants to.

Don't let them into your house or then you will have messed up the whole thing.

(She is married to someone who isn't their father, I take it?)

If you love the children you can set some very strict rules (after a respite).
- More pay, in advance. If it had been once in a while, that would have been different.
- You will only sit X times a month and X times a year total.
- You will not sit when you have work the next morning.
- She is NEVER to leave kids in your yard or house.
- She is to show appreciation and respect or the whole deal is off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

(She is married to someone who isn't their father, I take it?)

If you love the children you can set some very strict rules (after a respite).
- More pay, in advance. If it had been once in a while, that would have been different.
- You will only sit X times a month and X times a year total.
- You will not sit when you have work the next morning.
- She is NEVER to leave kids in your yard or house.
- She is to show appreciation and respect or the whole deal is off.

I think that's a great idea.
Oh and I forgot to mention that I babysat for another 4 days and nights less than a month ago while she went and spent $20,000 on plastic surgery. She told mum that she was getting liposuction (she only weighs about 56kg, which is 123lb, as she is a gym instructor), but she got her boob job fixed up, and her thighs reduced.
And the previous time she got plastic surgery, she told mum and I that the doctors had found lymphodes in her blood, and that there was a tumor growing. Mum lent her $10,000, and the surgery was $30,000. What she ended up getting was her original boob job, a nose job and a tummy tuck. She lied about the cancer. My sister is a manipulator.

You're right, joypulv. It's time I set some strict boundaries if she ever talks to me again. Hopefully she doesn't, but if she does, I will set a strict policy. I think maybe $5 per child per hour, as there is always a minimum of 4 children to look after.