Ask Me Help Desk - Parenting independently vs with your parents

My child is 6 years plus and My husband keeps travelling not bothersed about what's happening. He comes once in 4-5 months as if he is on a holiday. He is least bothered so are his parents. So I left the city to my moms place in another citywhen the kid was a year because I had to go back to work. Now I find that my mom is constantly telling me do's and donts and also there are constant arguments between my dad and her.

I am finding the whole thing disturbing as I take out the anger on the kid. It has become a daily phenomeneon.

What should I do. Go independently.or... any other option...

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

My child is 6 years plus and My husband keeps travelling not bothersed about whats happening. He comes once in 4-5 months as if he is on a holiday. he is least bothered so are his parents. So I left the city to my moms place in another citywhen the kid was a year because i had to go back to work. Now i find that my mom is constantly telling me do's and donts and also there are constant arguments between my dad and her.

I am finding the whole thing disturbing as i take out the anger on the kid by hitting him. it has become a daily phenomeneon.
My husband does not know any of this and i do not think he is bothered. But I also know that my kid is well taken care of by my parents and their whole life now revolves round the kis. Infact for the last 5 years they have made enormous sacrifices to take care of the kid.

What should I do. Go independently.or...any other option....

First do not blame your actions on somebody else. That is the first lesson here. Your trying not to take responsibility for your actions by blaming your parents. That is not called for.

Second I find it really disturbing and abusive that your taking out your anger on an innocent child. How the hell do you know what your husband thinks of the abuse if he does not know about any of it. You can not tell me that he is not bothered by you abusing his child unless he is also an abuser?

It is always always, now a days when things gets rough the real parent is letting the grandparents take care of the child. My question to you is how often do you take care of the child and how often does your parents take care of the child. Question, are your parents abusive? Were they abusive towards you? If they are abusive in that way, and your abusive that way, I will let you know at the end of my answer what should be done.

If your parents are not abusive and they take very well care of your child then I think you should give them full custody. Honestly at this point your no good to your son and you are abusive and you need to seek counseling. You need to take parenting courses and if you really feel remorsefull in any way for abusing your child then I also think you should turn yourself in.

What you should do, is Let your child grow up in an environment that will be protected from you until you get your act together. Counseling, parenting, also anger management for you. Counseling will be needed for your child as well, but that is something that whoever takes care of him will have to decide to carry out.

I hope you get the help that you need. I think you need to do a lot of things to improve on yourself before you have any chanch with your child again. Your lucky you have not been charged with abuse or even locked up. If you admit you have a problem now and seek help then it will be a lot better for everybody involved.

Joe

Wow! There seems to be so much dysfunction in this poor child's life! Are you able to stand back for a few moments and see this situation out of someone else's eyes? Here is what I see...

Your son is learning that a father is someone who visits every 4 or 5 months, has no real relationship with his children or his wife. His dad is not someone he can count on, bond with or even share with. He is learning that a man does not respect his family. It sounds like he may also be learning that a father need not feel responsibility for his wife or children. If this continues, what kind of a husband or father will he grow up to be?

Your son has learned that one set of his grandparents don't care whether he exists or not. The other set of grandparents are more parent's to the child than grandparents, but then grampa fights with gramma for trying to help mom learn to be a mom. He sees his grandparents revolve their lives around him, make sacrifices for him and in his mother's words, take good care of him. Gramma is the one doing most of the raising, she attempts to get mom to learn the rules so the child's life is more consistent, then he sees his mom get angry and smack him!

He has learned that a mother doesn't love, she reacts with anger at things that are not in his control. The one person who should be protecting and nurturing him doesn't. She doesn't take responsibility for her life. She runs from her problems.

Who can this child form a solid, HEALTHY bond with? Who can he trust?? Where does he get his values to carry him into his adult years?

You write this background to ask the question "What should I do? Go independently or... other suggestion?"

What are you asking? Should you leave your child? Should you parent your child independently? Should you divorce? What exactly are you asking?

Personally I think your whole family needs intense counselling. You wrote two entire paragraphs and called your son 'my child' once and 'the kid' four times and 'my kid' once. Where is the bond? Where is the love? Where is the part where mom loves her little boy and teaches him right from wrong, how to play, how to respect and love people, how to become a responsible caring adult?

It sounds like both you and your husband need to decide if you want to parent this little boy or not. If you do, then you must learn how to be the kind of parent(s) that a six year old child needs! I would strongly suggest you attend parenting classes. If your husband doesn't want to be a husband then you need to separate and he needs to provide financial assistance for your child. In addition, he needs to learn to be a constant in this child's life! You both created this child, now you need to do what is best for him.

You must NOT hit your child again! Taking your anger and frustrations on this wee boy is just NOT acceptable! Get help... NOW!

It sounds like your father is just as frustrated as you are, and your mother is somewhere in the middle. It is not your parent's responsibility to parent your child. It is yours and your husband's and, if you both decide that you don't want to do it, then you must find a suitable alternative. This situation is not fair to your son and I fear that he will suffer from the mistakes of his parents for the rest of his life already!

Please, get the help that you need immediately! Talk to your doctor, a social worker, a therapist or someone! Your son is at risk. If you love him you must take the steps to protect your son from all this dysfunction as soon as you possibly can. This situation is critical.

If you make some decisions on where each person in your son's life needs to be, then you can determine where you need to go for help. If you need information on what is available in your area, then ask here. I'm sure there are many of us who will try to point you in the right direction.

You CAN make this right, but you must act quickly. Your son has been greatly affected by all around him. You need to correct it soon and have better models available for him to learn from as soon as possible.

Didi

May I be so upfront as to ask what in the world do you think you hope to accomplish taking this out on a 5year old innocent child?
Do you not think you need to seek professional help before you seriously cause emotinal and physacle harm to this poor little lamb?
You were adult enough to have this sweet angel and now you hurt the child.. what you need to do is act as a responsible mature woman, get a job (if you don't have one) get out of your parents house but until you do let the child stay where he/she is safe from neglete. This way perhaps with anger management and professional child rearing classes as well as mental help for you.. you MIGHT BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS POOR LAMB A GOOD PARENT
Remember THIS... children do remember and yes later in life you will have this thrown in your face and YOU have to live with what you are doing now... I see you placing most in fact all the blame on everyone but YOU.
GET TOGETHER WITH THE SUPPOSED FATHER ACT LIKE MATURE ADULTS AND DO RIGHT BY THIS CHILD AND YOUR PARENTS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO CARRY YOUR BURDENS THAT YOU CREATED... I will say this your parents I would give custody to for now at least to you learn to contyrol yourself and get stable.

I am sorry if this is harsh for you to hear but I think right now of onl;y that little lamb you are destroying with violence
ADDING THIS HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE SLAPPED AROUND EVERYDAY THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE YOU RAISE ONE MORE HAND ON THAT CHILD!

Quote:

Originally Posted by grammadidi

Wow! There seems to be so much dysfunction in this poor child's life! Are you able to stand back for a few moments and see this situation out of someone else's eyes? Here is what I see....

Your son is learning that a father is someone who visits every 4 or 5 months, has no real relationship with his children or his wife. His dad is not someone he can count on, bond with or even share with. He is learning that a man does not respect his family. It sounds like he may also be learning that a father need not feel responsibility for his wife or children. If this continues, what kind of a husband or father will he grow up to be?

Your son has learned that one set of his grandparents don't care whether he exists or not. The other set of grandparents are more parent's to the child than grandparents, but then grampa fights with gramma for trying to help mom learn to be a mom. He sees his grandparents revolve their lives around him, make sacrifices for him and in his mother's words, take good care of him. Gramma is the one doing most of the raising, she attempts to get mom to learn the rules so the child's life is more consistent, then he sees his mom get angry and smack him!

He has learned that a mother doesn't love, she reacts with anger at things that are not in his control. The one person who should be protecting and nurturing him doesn't. She doesn't take responsibility for her life. She runs from her problems.

Who can this child form a solid, HEALTHY bond with? Who can he trust??? Where does he get his values to carry him into his adult years?

You write this background to ask the question "What should I do? Go independently or... other suggestion?"

What are you asking? Should you leave your child? Should you parent your child independently? Should you divorce? What exactly are you asking?

Personally I think your whole family needs intense counselling. You wrote two entire paragraphs and called your son 'my child' once and 'the kid' four times and 'my kid' once. Where is the bond? Where is the love? Where is the part where mom loves her little boy and teaches him right from wrong, how to play, how to respect and love people, how to become a responsible caring adult?

It sounds like both you and your husband need to decide if you want to parent this little boy or not. If you do, then you must learn how to be the kind of parent(s) that a six year old child needs! I would strongly suggest you attend parenting classes. If your husband doesn't want to be a husband then you need to separate and he needs to provide financial assistance for your child. In addition, he needs to learn to be a constant in this child's life! You both created this child, now you need to do what is best for him.

You must NOT hit your child again! Taking your anger and frustrations on this wee boy is just NOT acceptable! Get help... NOW!

It sounds like your father is just as frustrated as you are, and your mother is somewhere in the middle. It is not your parent's responsibility to parent your child. It is yours and your husband's and, if you both decide that you don't want to do it, then you must find a suitable alternative. This situation is not fair to your son and I fear that he will suffer from the mistakes of his parents for the rest of his life already!

Please, get the help that you need immediately! Talk to your doctor, a social worker, a therapist or someone! Your son is at risk. If you love him you must take the steps to protect your son from all this dysfunction as soon as you possibly can. This situation is critical.

If you make some decisions on where each person in your son's life needs to be, then you can determine where you need to go for help. If you need information on what is available in your area, then ask here. I'm sure there are many of us who will try to point you in the right direction.

You CAN make this right, but you must act quickly. Your son has been greatly affected by all around him. You need to correct it soon and have better models available for him to learn from as soon as possible.

Didi

Imeant when I rated you hun that the question she posted as me furious you replies were excellent... Jesushelper I would have rated yours as well but have to earn more reputation yours was just as excellent

Tinsign,

Rating or no rating it is fine with me. What is more important is that this women gets that help she needs to stop the abuse of her child.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Tinsign,

Rating or no rating it is fine with me. What is more important is that this women gets that help she needs to stop the abuse of her child.

Joe

You are right I wish I could just take all the little lambs in the world and give them a safe non -violent home to live in.. it broke my heart to hear this angel gets slapped everyday because of a mother who needs more help than we can offer here.
VIDD please seek the help but also let us know how this turns out... PLEASE SAVE THAT LITTLE ONE FROM MORE HARM.. SEEK HELP

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

My child is 6 years

That is such a wonderful age. They are so curious and are constantly soaking up everything around them. I have a 5 year old, and three other children 13 years and up. So, I know what an impressionable age this is.

[quote=vidds My husband keeps travelling not bothersed about whats happening. He comes once in 4-5 months as if he is on a holiday. he is least bothered so are his parents. [/quote]

Why is this? Does he have a secret life that you don't know about? Do his parents not like you? There is more to this part of the story that you didn't tell us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

So I left the city to my moms place in another citywhen the kid was a year because i had to go back to work.

It is good that you are trying to support your son, but that was 5 years ago. Can't you make it on your own?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

the kid

Is this truly how you feel about him? Have you not bonded with your son? Is he only a "kid" to you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

Now i find that my mom is constantly telling me do's and donts and also there are constant arguments between my dad and her.

I am still wondering if there is more to this story. Why is your mom telling you the do's and don'ts of child rearing? Are you not there enough? Don't you play with him, spend quality time with him? Are you running around having a good time, maybe drinking or drugs? There is still much missing here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

I am finding the whole thing disturbing

Can you tell us EXACTLY what you find disturbing? Yet, again, there seems to be info missing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

i take out the anger on the kid by hitting him. it has become a daily phenomeneon.

Is this what you find disturbing or is there more? Personally, I find it disturbing also that you hit your child out of anger. This poor child does not have anyone who truly loves him. He is probably scared to death of you. He may think you are a monster for hurting him when he has done nothing wrong. Do you realize how many people have their children taken away from them and go to jail for something like this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

My husband does not know any of this

If he does not know, he should. This is his child too. Even if he is an absentee parent. He has the right to know that his child is being abused. Yes, hun, what you are doing to your child is called child abuse, but you CAN break the cycle.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

i do not think he is bothered.

You only think your husband is not bothered, but you do not KNOW. You have to open the lines of communication with your husband and talk to him. Let him know that you are frustrated, that you cannot handle being a single parent.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

But I also know that my kid is well taken care of

Sweetie, your son is not taken well care of if you hit him on a daily basis strictly out of frustration. This is poor parenting skills. But they CAN be changed. You can learn how to do it right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

their whole life now revolves round the kis. Infact for the last 5 years they have made enormous sacrifices to take care of the kid.

Yes, their life may revolve around your son, but it is not a good environment to raise a child where there is constant fighting. And, yes, they have made enormous sacrifices to take care of you AND your child. But that should not be their responsibility now. Their responsibility should be enjoying their golden years. Your responsibility should be raising a responsible person from childhood to adulthood.

Quote:

Originally Posted by vidds

What should I do. Go independently.or...any other option....

You should get yourself into some professional counseling. Whether it is drug or alcohol, I don't know. But something else is going on here that you did not mention.

You should also get into some parenting classes and some anger management classes.

You should talk to your husband and find a common ground. One where the two of you live together with your child and raise him in a healthy family atmosphere.

You should get your child into counseling because what he has learned in life so far is not easily forgotten.

You should bond with your son. He is your baby, you carried him in your womb for 9 months. He is not "the kid" he is your child.

Understand that he can sense whatever negativity that you hold against him. He is human, he is a person, and he is your child, your son, your baby, your infant.

Honey you can do this. You can make a better life for your son. Yes, it will take a hard work and a great deal of introspection. But you deserve it, and most importantly, your son deserves it.

Please for the sake of your child's mental and emotional health, get on the phone to a counseling service. If you cannot afford it, or do not have insurance, there are many that provide a sliding-scale fee that will help you based solely on your income.