This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone my story except for my psychiatrist (who I am unable to see anymore). Here it goes:

When I was 9 years old I walked in on my 12 year old brother watching porn. Instead of trying to hide it or telling me to go away, my brother ended up manipulating me into performing the acts he was seeing in porn, and he told me if I didn't do them then he would kill my cat. He molested/raped me for over a year before my sister walked in on me crying/bleeding in the bathroom naked one day.

That was 11 years ago. Now I’m 20 years old, my brother is in rehab for numerous drug addictions, and I am living with my boyfriend who I have been dating for 3 years.

When we first started dating, we would have amazing sex all the time and my sex drive was at its peak. But once I got to know him more, and especially once we started living on our own together (about a year and a half into our relationship), my sex drive took a nose dive because for some reason every time my boyfriend touches me it gives me flashbacks of my brother. I feel like we are more of roommates now than a couple because it’s very difficult for me to perform sexually, so we just stopped having sex all together because when I do have sex I end up crying or "playing dead" to get it over with. All I can think when I'm having sex is what my brother did to me and how I learned about sex in the first place.

I haven't told my boyfriend the truth because he knows my brother (they used to be good friends growing up) and if I did tell him I don’t think he could ever look at me the same again without disgust. Unfortunately, my boyfriend thinks that my lack of a sex drive is his fault or that I’m not attracted to him anymore. That isn't the case. I don't know what to do to save my relationship because both of our sexual frustrations have become torture. As I mentioned before it is very awkward living with someone you don't even have sex with anymore, and I should be in my prime sexually. What can I do to get over this?


P.S. I am unable to go to therapy, counseling, or a psychiatrist (that is why I made this post) since I have no health insurance and we can't afford to pay for sessions out of pocket so please help to suggest other alternatives.

That is an overloaded question for us. Thank you for confiding in us/this site.

I'd like to ask just a few questions to gain a better understanding if your situatiin. First off, have you ever thought about telling your parents? You said your sister walked in on you crying, does she know?

Honestly, if it were me, I would share my story with my significant other. It is a touchy subject though. I'm actually stumped. That rarely happens.

See... your boyfriend is having doubts about himself and it's not about him. So I feel as if he should know what's really going on. If he loves you, he will support you. Then again he may not. Hmmm I'm very curious to see what some of the other members have to say.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help to you. Hopefully someone else will have better advice.

First, it is your guilt ( and there is none, you were young and forced) that he will see this with disgust, he may hate your brother, but he will, if he really loves you, understand.
It is not showing much faith in him, not to trust him and talk to him about it.

Next sorry, this is an important health issue and there is always ways to find money for a doctor for this, most US states have mental health care providers that work on a scale according to your income. Other religious mental health workers also do it on a low fee.
And if your boyfriend knows, he c fan help find money for it.

Hiding this, blaming yourself will never make it better

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999

That is an overloaded question for us. Thank you for confiding in us/this site.

I'd like to ask just a few questions to gain a better understanding if your situatiin. First off, have you ever thought about telling your parents? You said your sister walked in on you crying, does she know?

.

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My whole family knows : my mom and my 3 sisters, my grandpa and my uncle. After one of my sisters found me, she called the police and my brother was taken away. They made him live with my grandpa for a few years, but when my grandpa couldn't put up with him anymore he sent him to military school. After military school my mom thought he was cured and allowed him to come back home. They all thought that it was just "youthful experimentation", but when he came back he started really getting into drugs at his high school, even dealing drugs. Then he got me to start trying the drugs and hanging out with his loser friends. He would try to blackmail me by raping me again in exchange for not telling my mom I was using drugs and he would give me exstacy(which he had given me, a 14 yr old) and painkillers to keep me quiet. I wanted to tell someone so bad the second time, but I figured that I was a "grown woman" by that time and I didn't want everyone to know that the second time I wasn't necessarily forced. I lived with him until I turned 19, when I moved out with my current boyfriend so I could go to college. Since then he's been in and out of jail and prison, and he's in rehab now but I hate seeing him. I hate the fact that everyone has just moved on from what he's done to me.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

First, it is your guilt ( and there is none, you were young and forced) that he will see this with disgust, he may hate your brother, but he will, if he really loves you, understand.
It is not showing much faith in him, not to trust him and talk to him about it.

Next sorry, this is an important health issue and there is always ways to find money for a doctor for this, most US states have mental health care providers that work on a scale according to your income. Other religious mental health workers also do it on a low fee.
And if your boyfriend knows, he c fan help find money for it.

Hiding this, blaming yourself will never make it better

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I could never tell my boyfriend because he just would never understand. As close as we are, he would probably literally kill my brother if he found out what happened because they are close friends. Or he would hate my entire family for making me live that way. Either way he doesn't need to know. I just want to get help on my own so I can get over this. And I don't blame myself- I blame my brother for corrupting me. I've even told him before he went to prison that I hoped he got raped a million times over to see how it feels

For starters, that's such a sad story, it brought tears to my eyes. I've never known anyone going through something like this... I can't begin to understand how you feel or anything. But really, your boyfriend loves you, and you need to tell him, maybe he will understand more of why you are acting this way.he won't love you any less! It will be hard, especially as you haven't told many people but seriously telling him will more than likely help your relationship loads! Really, speak to him! It will lift relief off your shoulders too! Knowing you have someone to help you though it all. Hope it goes well!

Jodi, if your boyfriend and brother are such close friends, he may know more than you think he does. If he doesn't, he may have suspicions about what has happened in your past.

Do you mind sharing your general location? It might help in figuring out what resources are available to you.

You shouldn't feel like you are being forced into divulging more than you are comfortable with telling him. If you don't feel comfortable telling him everything, let him know that there are issues you need to work through and that you are seeking help. But take some time to clear your mind. Try not to allow your fears to color what you think his reaction would be.

I will say that I think you are going to need his support and to work with him to move forward. Moving in with him seems to have triggered your set-back which means this is more than just memories. Both of you need to understand what is going on and how to get through this as a couple.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

jodi, if your boyfriend and brother are such close friends, he may know more than you think he does. If he doesn't, he may have suspicions about what has happened in your past.
Moving in with him seems to have triggered your set-back which means this is more than just memories.

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Moving in with him definitely triggered it because I've never been so close to anyone seeing them everyday and whatnot and it reminds me of my brother how he carries himself around the house, the way steals my toiletries like shampoos and lotions, etc. I feel like I am living with another brother, not my boyfriend.

It should be also noted that my boyfriend was living with me and my family before we moved out on our own. So while he was living with us for a year and a half he got very close to my brother and my mom. When we were living at my mom's house his mannerisms never bothered me. I'm guessing its because my brother was still there. Now that we have our own place I notice it more, and I guess I started wrongfully associating his bad habits with "all men" since my brother would do the same types of things, which leads me to resenting him, which leads me to my sexual incapability because he reminds me so much of my brother.

I have been in your situation and it effected my relationship for a very long time, the best thing to do it explain your situation to your boyfriend. If it makes you feel more comfortable, I wouldn't tell him that it was your brother and I wouldn't really go into details. Just so long as he knows why you are acting this way. If he really loves you, this will make you guys stronger and then you will have someone who understands you.

I am deeply sympathetic to your situation and my heart goes out to you.

There are a lot of things you could do besides going to a counselor, or seeing a psychiatrist. There are a lot of self help psychology/philosophy resources online for free.

To name a few: Cognitive Psychology, NLP, The Three Principles.

You can watches videos on YouTube, listen to podcasts, read blogs and buy used books on any of the subjects and learn to help yourself.

Personally I love the Three Principles and the simplicity behind them. It has helped me so much.

Below are some links to spark your interest
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LKPCgroLvnE&feature=channel&list=UL
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Principles
http://www.threeprinciplesmovies.com/

One last thing if you do end up going to counseling or a psychiatrist I would see a Cognitive Therapist and avoid going to someone who brings you back into your past.

I was molested as a child by a close family member as well. It took me a long time to deal with. I never got to go to therapy or openly talk about it. It wasn't until I was in my mid 20's that I finally opened up to other people in a similar situation. I still am shocked/horrified at the amount of girls who have been through what we have been through. It's something that will stay with us for the rest of our lives, and will always affect the relationships we enter. For me, no amount of therapy and talking about it made it any easier to deal with.

At first I felt guilt and shame. Like it was my fault, I was so embarrassed to tell anyone. I felt sick, dirty and just ugly inside and out. I learned later in life that it was happening to other female family members too, which I think make it even harder knowing if I would have just said SOMETHING to ANYONE, I could have stopped it. That was the next chapter in my life. Guilt. I felt it for all my cousins who went through what I went through. I felt guilt for things I couldn't even explain why I was feeling guilty for. Unrelated things.

The next chapter was being very sexually active and promiscuous. I dated numerous guys, went to the bars with plans of one night stands. I truly think I hated myself so much for what happened, I just did things to hurt myself.

I eventually did get into a relationship, and like yours the sex drive was high and we couldn't keep our hands off each other. It was about a year and a half before my sex drive totally dropped. I couldn't stand being touched by him. Even a simple hug from him made me feel lie I was being raped. Our relationship was hanging by a thread to begin with, this was the straw breaking the camels back. I felt like he was going to blame me, be disgusted in me, leave me, find me as repulsive as I found myself. I eventually told him and he just hugged me for a long time and let me cry. This was really the first time I was able to open up to anyone about it. He wasn't disgusted in me, and he didn't stop loving me. It took me a while longer to tell him who actually had done it, but telling him that a family member had done this to me, almost felt like a relief. He didn't ask too many questions, and I told him he needed to let me tell him this at my own pace.

We didn't end up lasting together, and the story didn't get any easier to tell. I still struggle with the thoughts and memories, it still effects the relationships I get in to, and I still push people away because of it. But, I have found coping mechanisms to deal with the emotions I deal with. And there are more days that go by that I don't think of it, than the days that I do.

I also found that talking about it with that boyfriend, opened up our communication, he was able to confide in me in things that happened in his life, and it made our relationship stronger in that sense.

I hope some of this helped. And if it didn't, I hope you knowing you are not alone, gives you some hope.

AB, I didn't know this! I was raped as an adult, and, yes, the shame and guilt stay with a person for a very long time.

I, of course, was not a child, but I found that confronting the situation, talking through it step by step, action by action, put it together for me, gave me peace which I had not had. I needed to face up to what had happened.

I actually wrote a letter to "my" rapist and told him how his actions had affected me, hurt me, changed my life. I don't know if it made a difference to him, but it made a difference to me.

Did you get to send the letter to the rapist? The person who hurt me died before I really understood what was happening. I mean, I knew, but I was about 10 when he did die.

If you do not trust the guy you live with and love to handle the truth, you have no business with him. There are no easy short cuts to healing from the past but it starts with honesty to even begin to have a healthy honest relationship so you can support and help each other.

Yes you need someone to talk to for sure, and you better come clean with your boyfriend, because just saying he doesn't need to know is part of the problem. Don't let guilt and fear stop your healing, or make you look for quick easy fixes.

Then maybe you both can get help to get through this together. He will need as much help as you do, don't you think?

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Did you get to send the letter to the rapist? The person who hurt me died before I really understood what was happening. I mean, I knew, but I was about 10 when he did die.

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Yes, I did - and I didn't rant or rave or accuse. I simply stated that I don't know how or why he felt he had the right to "use" me and told him the issues it caused (including trust) in my life. I was injured badly enough to need medical treatment, so there was little/no question what happened.

As it happened he died about 5 years after I wrote him, quite young.

To this day I have problems with my neck because of the injury when he tried to force my head down.

All of us who have been molested or touched or raped have a sisterhood. I'm always surprised by how long the emotional scars stay with "us." I, for example, cannot have my legs pinned down. I know the situation is safe, I'm with a man I love - but I panic.

Here's a hug for you - {{{{ }}}}

Did you know him Judy? I always wonder if I would be better off not knowing the person, butI know the reality is no situation is "easier". ((hugs right back))