Ask Me Help Desk - My marriage is falling !

I am 24 years old Indian lady who has been married for 5 years. Ours is a love arranged marriage in a sense tat I had to struggle to convince my parents and relatives to agree to the marriage. Also my husband is 12 years elder to me. We have 2 and a half years old daughter.My problem is our marriage is falling apart.
During courtship, he was a loving and understanding man but now he has become another person altogether.He doesn't like me to go for work, as he is bothered about our daughter. He wants me to stay at home, even got excuses for that by saying" you are not only a mother who stays at home". I spend the whole day at home with our kid,since he leaves at 5:45am and comes back late in the evening/nite. When home he hardly speaks to me and doesnot involve me in any decision-making. He prefers watching T.V after he retunrs home but he do play with our kid before bed. Hardly one or two hrs he is at home before he sleeps. Now a days I noticed that he loves to go out and spend time with his cousins who are more like his best friends, and they do have their own secrets and fun too. Recently, what bothers me too much is he started going to dancing bars. I am not able to tolerate the thought of him enjoying the dance of those semi nude beautiful girls! When I try to talk to him about our problems, he simply walks away or accuses me of being a whiner and give a big lecture of how stupid wives are in a sense that we are not understanding them also shouts at me for being doubtful. There were so many times he humiliates me in public and even in front of my own people. He acknowledges that our marriage is falling apart but does not want us to work on it; in fact even if we had decided on something, he will not follow and will have million excuses too for breaking a promise! Now a days, I started arguing and crying in front of him, but these doesn't made any changes. I feel very alone in my own sufferings. Sometimes I entertain drastic thoughts, now a days it is getting worse! I have friends to talk about but I don't like nyone to label him as a bad guy. I was in madly in love with him, but not anymore... infact I still love him. I am deeply troubled by my inability to reach out to him. The sad thing is I cannot go back home nw since my parents were not happy about our marrige in the first place. I am afraid that they will say, "We told you so..." To make things worse, I am brought up in a very loving environment with lots of loving people around me. Now all I want is to convince him that I love him and I need his commitment and support to make our relationship work. What should I do?

You should get a life that you enjoy, and make yourself happy. Even in marriage, partners need to know what they are about as individuals, and know what makes them feel like they are useful. To depend on your husband is no way to feel alive, and unfair to you both. Just because he says you can't work is this written in stone? You really do need to explore yourself and make a happy life for yourself. I do not know if they have couples counseling in India but the counsel of a good trusted friend may help you break this funk. Somehow it sems he is taking you for granted and you need a plan of action to get him to acknowledge your feelings and make you a part of his life. Not taking you out is a bad sign and you must take some kind of positive action to correct this. He is not doing his part as a loving husband, so are you obligated to be a loving wife?????:eek:

I Once Had A Similar Problem With My Husband And Can Truly Say I Know How You Feel. Here Is What I Would Have Done: Get A Babysitter For A Few Hours Before Your Husband Gets Home Ane Explain To Him In A Calming And Respectfull Manner How His Actions Effects You And If All Fails Than There's Only One Escape And That Is The Maker Of Heaven And Earth.

Neeta,

You really do deserve to be happy. I don't know what your cultural beliefs are on divorce but I seriously think it is time you found out. You can't go on like this. There is a nicer guy out there just waiting to take care of you and your child. Don't feel guilty about having these thoughts. The world has changed, you are entitled to be happy.

Being an Indian woman myself, I can understand, to a point, how you may be feeling. I know you probably feel like you are between a rock and a hard place because you can't let anyone know that your marriage is failing. Everyone will have an opinion for you (the "I told you so's" and "Look at you now's". I know how Indians can start talking as well: spreading rumors and such.)But the thing is... no one else matters.

Talaniman is right. Find your own independence and your own happiness. Make sure you are ready to work and support yourself, since he supports you now. There is no need to eat the leftovers and the burnt toast and suffer in silence like our mothers did. Show your daughter, by example, that women need not sacrifice their own happiness or life for their husbands. Find a counselor. Reach out to your mother. Maybe she understands a bit of what you are going through. (Though if she is like my grandmother, she will tell you that it's the woman's job to obey her husband!)

I know it will take a lot of courage to let people know how unhappy you are. But, NEVER let them make you admit you made a mistake marrying the man you loved. Its not your fault he is not holding up his end of the deal. I wish you strength and courage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You should get a life that you enjoy, and make yourself happy. Even in marriage, partners need to know what they are about as individuals, and know what makes them feel like they are useful. To depend on your husband is no way to feel alive, and unfair to you both. Just because he says you can't work is this written in stone? You really do need to explore yourself and make a happy life for yourself. I do not know if they have couples counseling in India but the counsel of a good trusted friend may help you break this funk. Somehow it sems he is taking you for granted and you need a plan of action to get him to acknowledge your feelings and make you a part of his life. Not taking you out is a bad sign and you must take some kind of positive action to correct this. He is not doing his part as a loving husband, so are you obligated to be a loving wife?????:eek:

Apparently I have to spread my love before I give it to you again, Talaniman. (Talk about the promiscuity of this site!)
But once again, you are right on the money!

You People That Is Giving This Poor Lady Advice About Divorce And So Forth Are One Day Going To Stand In front Of The High Priest And Gave Answer For What You Said. I Have Been Married 7 Years And In That Time I Have Never Been Happy Until Now Because I Now Allowed Jesus In My Marriage And I Am The Most Person In The Universe. I Don't Care About Religion Nor Culture Everybody Is Supposed To Serve Jesus. He Is Lord To Me And It Is In Your Best Interest That You Don't Say Anything Against Him

I just stumbled across this posting.

Sorry T-Man. I too have to spread the love, but I needed to acknowledge your response. Right on the money, as usual.

Manimuth, your insight into this is excellent. I am glad you posted here. It is important that the rest of us realize that neeta comes from a completely different social structure and belief system than the majority of us who use this site. With that in mind, we need to understand that impressing our own religious beliefs upon another is counterproductive.

Marily, I cannot edit my comment to your post but I can expand upon it as I have done here. I have had this discussion with you before, on another post. Neeta needs constructive advice, not a lecture about how everyone needs to "serve Jesus." You obviously still have problems in your marriage and I am truly sorry for the pain you are in. But, you need to work on that problem with your husband. Postings by other people, who are looking for solutions to their problems should not be used as your outlet for your personal pain. To negate someone else's religious beliefs and culture is absolutely the wrong way to make friends and influence people. No one here was advocating divorce. They were offering constructive advice. If you have something constructive to add, then please do so. Telling her to turn to Jesus is not in her best interest, as you suggest. If you feel the need to "save people" and bring Jesus into their lives, that is fine. Just please do so within the confines of your home and community, where you can have a face to face chat with someone willing and open to listening. You cannot, and should not try to force your beliefs onto others. THAT, is not what Jesus would do. It is what your church does. Please read my response and what others have been telling you here on this web site very thoroughly. You need to think about how your actions here affects others. They can be quite emotionally destructive when you choose to post on the wrong thread. Neeta needs our help, not a lecture about conversion. Simply turning to and believing in The Lord Jesus is not going to magically help her, or anyone, who has a problem.

Proactively working on our problems is one of the many ways to achieve personal happiness and find life fulfillment. Religion and the practice of it (whether it be Jesus, Allah, Buddha,. ) is another one. This combination of the "way" we go about our lives is what helps us to achieve our goals to feel complete and happy as individuals.

Ruby,
I have to spread my love more, before I can give it to you again... but right on sister!!