We support our 21 year old dght. In every way. She doesn't work. She is away at school. We pay her rent-food-tuition-books-spending money-clothes- etc.even car when she comes home from school for a few days to visit we look forward to seeing her.she is gone at college 5 to 8 weeks at a time but her boyfriend visits every weekend.when she came home she slept 2 nights home and 3 nights with her boyfriend.we think this is wrong.we wait to see her and once she gets money from us she leaves and is done with us.I told her she is a user and disrespectful.am I wrong to want to see my dght?

Why are you supporting her? It sounds like she has the world in the palm of her hand.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why are you supporting her? It sounds like she has the world in the palm of her hand.

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She always says she's too busy with school but her 25year old boyfriend is there from fri. To sun. That's why I feel she should have spent time home this weekend with family

You are enabling her. When she comes home, she must live under your rules, period. If she doesn't like it, then she is free to get a job and support herself.

I took out a loan each year and was able to pay for half of tuition and room/board, plus paid for clothes, books, etc. by working at various jobs -- in the finance office, in food service, in area homes babysitting and housecleaning. She can do that too.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I took out a loan each year and was able to pay for half of tuition and room/board, plus paid for clothes, books, etc. by working at various jobs -- in the finance office, in food service, in area homes babysitting and housecleaning. She can do that too.

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My boys work on campus, too. They have done phone calls, driving vans, tutoring, etc.

Yes I never paid more than 1/2.

So tell her no, she can not sleep at his house, Tell her that because you pay all the bills, you expect her to be there with you and visit.

Tell her perhaps the boyfriend, wants to start paying 1/2 of her bills ?

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Originally Posted by purple338

We support our 21 year old dght. In every way. She doesnt work. She is away at school. We pay her rent-food-tuition-books-spending money-cloths- etc.even car when she comes home from school for a few days to visit we look forward to seeing her.she is gone at college 5 to 8 weeks at a time but her boyfriend visits every weekend.when she came home she slept 2 nights home and 3 nights with her boyfriend.we think this is wrong.we wait to see her and once she gets money from us she leaves and is done with us.i told her she is a user and disrespectful.am i wrong to want to see my dght?

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I don't think you're wrong to want to see your daughter.

I do think she's using you - she has the best of both worlds. No bills, all the time in the world and a great deal of disrespect toward her parents.

Wow, my daughter would love to have you as a parent!

She just left for college. She was required to get the necessary grants and even loans for her schooling. I covered, this semester, what she could not cover. She was required to get a job, keep her grades up, and pay me for her cell phone bill as well as her car insurance (her car is paid off).

I stock her up on groceries when she comes home for the weekend and fill her gas tank up before she goes back to school, but that is ALL she gets.

Why do I do this? So that she can learn the value of a dollar and be a responsible adult.

Guess what! She LOVES to come home on the weekend and spend "family time."

Thank you all for your support.she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age- meaning spending a couple nights at her boyfriends even though he sleeps in her college apt. 3 nights a week that we pay for. She makes me feel hovering.but I am not hovering in her eyes when she needs a haircut or everything else one needs from head to toe.

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Originally Posted by purple338

Thank you all for your support.she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age- meaning spending a couple nights at her boyfriends even though he sleeps in her college apt. 3 nights a week that we pay for. She makes me feel hovering.but i am not hovering in her eyes when she needs a haircut or everything else one needs from head to toe.

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As my mother used to say about me not doing anything different from what other kids my age were doing - "They aren't my daughter. You are."

If she's this irresponsible and casual I would begin preparing myself to next be a Grandmother.

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Originally Posted by purple338

she constantly tells me she is not doing anything different from other kids her age

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That's the 10-year-old little girl talking with the whiny argument, "EVERYbody does it (or has one)! so me too."

It's time to draw some lines in the sand. (We'll help you!)

I need to learn how to provide tough love instead of money and materialistic items.I feel so used and betrayed.

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Originally Posted by purple338

I need to learn how to provide tough love instead of money and materialistic items.i feel so used and betrayed.

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You have come to the right place! We will be glad to help you draw those lines in the sand.

My thinking is to stop enabling her with all the "stuff." BUT jerking the rug out from under her all at once will only fan the flames of anger, and I know you want to keep a good relationship with her. YET you do want to practice some tough love.

Has she ever had a job, even just part time?

Yes she had a few short term part time jobs.few weeks this past summer and in high school a small job in 10th grade. I told her to get a job last year and for this year and she said there are none. After this past weekends disaster I told her to get a job at school and she was like fine then my grades will suffer like she was threatening me that if she can't do both its my fault. I told her get a job on the weekend instead of spending it with your boyfriend.

So what is the first line in the sand you are going to draw? Stop paying for something she needs, such as a cell phone? (pre-paid, contract?)

Others here will chime in, so wait to read Judy's and J_9's and others' comments before you finalize your plan.

Thanks I am going to do that the phone is never out of her hand. Great idea she's not calling me anyway.

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Originally Posted by purple338

Yes she had a few short term part time jobs.few weeks this past summer and in high school a small job in 10th grade. I told her to get a job last year and for this year and she said there are none. After this past weekends disaster i told her to get a job at school and she was like fine then my grades will suffer like she was threatening me that if she can't do both its my fault. I told her get a job on the weekend instead of spending it with your boyfriend.

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My concern is her level of entitlement and immaturity - her grades will suffer, it will all be your fault, but she thinks that makes her come out ahead.

Before you do anything, draw any lines, I would be 100% of your goal - spend more time with the family, spend less time with the boyfriend, begin to support herself. Once you pick a realistic goal then I think you'll have an idea how to proceed.

For example, you want her to stand on her own (financial) feet. No more buying clothes for her. Next step - she pays half of her cell phone bill. Next step - she pays half of her insurance... and so forth.

I do agree with Wondergirl - if you pull the rug out I'm not sure you won't be "guilted" into backing down (which could be a disaster) and you'll be met with great resistance.

I would make it less about seeing the family and more about standing on her own two feet.

What are your thoughts?

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine I will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

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Originally Posted by purple338

She said there are no jobs.she also said fine i will sleep at home!even though everyone sleepsout!

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Of course there are jobs -- on campus, in restaurants, in libraries, in grocery stores, at drug stores.

"Everybody sleeps out" and "everybody does it" -- the old refrain used to scam one's parents.