Ask Me Help Desk - My boyfriend watches porn!

So we've been together 2 years now and recently he told me (He's very honest) that he watches porn, he said he thought I did too but I guess there was a little miscommunication there! After 2 years, the thought did cross my mind a few times but I thought what we had was amazing and that he wouldn't need to. I've noticed he kind of loses it half way through, like he's not interested anymore or can't get it up to start with and this is making me feel really insecure.

I have lost all my sex drive since finding out, for some reason I just can't do it, can’t and can't even get into the mood :( It really sucks because we were so active before, I really just want to get over it whether he watches it or not, but I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I have thought about watching it with him but I kind of feel weird about it. I don't watch it and he was my first sexual partner, he has had many girlfriends and I can't help but feel I’m not good enough for him. I used to be OK with it and I feel like a cow for telling him to stop.

We have talked about it, he said he doesn't do it often and that most guys do but I can't seem to look past it, please help me get over it! It’s ruining our sex life :(

Can someone please give some advice :(

Yes, you need counseling if it is bothering you so much. He was honest with you, would you rather he lie to you. Many men watch it, and if not abused, it has nothing to do with you.

He is not cheating, he is just watching movies, ones with sex but movies. You may read a romance novel, since women like all the emotion, men like the visual,

The only one ruining things is you, if you can't get over this and accept it. He will at some point leave and find someone else, if you are not accepting of this soon.

Did you notice/did the physical problems during sex start before he confessed to the porn? Or, did you notice his seemingly decreased interest and your lack of sex drive after the porn discussion?

First of all don't visit your problem on him. And don't take it personally as being about YOU, since all guys do it especially young ones, well most.

Maybe you could use some guidance through this obstacle and how to handle yourself, or there are other things you are overlooking that may be affecting your sex lives.

Is there an older female or wise trusted friend you could talk to? Or a counselor?

Or just ask him to allow you to join in with the porn, you can help with hand or oral to help finish. Often guys want a fast release, or even just watch porn to enjoy watching without a release.

If you can not do it with him, you need to find a way to just accept he is doing it. It is not about you, does not mean he wants anyone but you

I am going to ask you to look at the issue from a different perspective. Do you read romance novels or watch movies with romantic plots? Do you get caught up in the 'action' or the story/characters?

Porn, for many men and women, is just another form of adult entertainment. It falls under the heading of Erotica. So do romance novels and adult magazines.

Men tend to gravitate toward 'porn' because they are prone to be more visually and action oriented. Women tend to be more interested in character and plot development. For women, there is more of an emotional connection to what we see and experience. For men that connection isn't there. It is just a series of pictures and a quick release. The emotional attachment is with his partner.

He is with you. You are the person he cares about and wants in his life and bed.

You don't have to watch porn if makes you uncomfortable. But I do suggest looking into the less explicit forms (aka: soft-core.) He may be your only lover, however, you should explore your own sexuality to find what you like and dislike. Fantasy is a great way to do so without worrying about another person's needs, likes, dislikes, etc. It can help you gain self-confidence.

As for him having erectile difficulties, if they were occurring before he told you about the porn, then they could be caused by any number of issues. Fairly common factors are stress, exhaustion, distracted (fear of someone calling, walking in, hearing, etc.), being too cold or too hot, medical issues, medications (including recreational drugs), etc.

If they started occurring after he told you, then it may be a change in your reactions which lead to a change in his. If you began holding back because your own insecurities, then he may not have been getting the feedback he needed.

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Originally Posted by backpack2389

Did you notice/did the physical problems during sex start before he confessed to the porn? Or, did you notice his seemingly decreased interest and your lack of sex drive after the porn discussion?

It was happening before.. maybe 4-6 months I noticed he just couldn't keep it up

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am going to ask you to look at the issue from a different perspective. Do you read romance novels or watch movies with romantic plots? Do you get caught up in the 'action' or the story/characters?

Porn, for many men and women, is just another form of adult entertainment. It falls under the heading of Erotica. So do romance novels and adult magazines.

Men tend to gravitate toward 'porn' because they are prone to be more visually and action oriented. Women tend to be more interested in character and plot development. For women, there is more of an emotional connection to what we see and experience. For men that connection isn't there. It is just a series of pictures and a quick release. The emotional attachment is with his partner.

He is with you. You are the person he cares about and wants in his life and bed.

You don't have to watch porn if makes you uncomfortable. But I do suggest looking into the less explicit forms (aka: soft-core.) He may be your only lover, however, you should explore your own sexuality to find what you like and dislike. Fantasy is a great way to do so without worrying about another person's needs, likes, dislikes, etc. It can help you gain self-confidence.

As for him having erectile difficulties, if they were occurring before he told you about the porn, then they could be caused by any number of issues. Fairly common factors are stress, exhaustion, distracted (fear of someone calling, walking in, hearing, etc.), being too cold or too hot, medical issues, medications (including recreational drugs), etc.

If they started occurring after he told you, then it may be a change in your reactions which lead to a change in his. If you began holding back because your own insecurities, then he may not have been getting the feedback he needed.

I don't get off on romance novels/films etc.. I couldn't once we got together. I'm not claiming to be a saint, but I couldn't do it once I got with him, I thought it was the norm to stop all that stuff.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Or just ask him to allow you to join in with the porn, you can help with hand or oral to help finish.

I can't bring him off with my mouth or my hand, apparently it doesn't feel good to him. He said it's like that with everyone but who knows!

I am sought counselling but they said what you all said, it's normal for a guy to do it, and honestly I think it would be best for him to find someone else. I'm the problem and I can't seem to let it go without it coming back so I think I will talk to him and just tell him he'd be better off without a psycho.

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Originally Posted by Emily Rae

I am sought counselling but they said what you all said, it's normal for a guy to do it, and honestly i think it would be best for him to find someone else. I'm the problem and i can't seem to let it go without it coming back so i think i will talk to him and just tell him he'd be better off without a psycho.

You aren't a 'psycho'. You have have different needs and thoughts than he does. You are also not as experienced in handling those differences. This is a learning experience for you. Until now you seem to have had a fairly 'fairy-tale' image of relationships.

It isn't uncommon for people (usually females) to think that when you become a couple, sharing intimacy and affection is all you need to be completely satisfied because our sexuality is 'set' just by being in a relationship. We shouldn't need or want anything else. It is what we are taught through storybooks and movies. In reality, we are much more complex. We should continue to explore our likes and dislikes in safe ways without crossing relationship boundary lines. Paying attention to the changing needs of our minds and bodies is part of having a healthy libido. Erotica can be a vehicle to explore our thoughts. It can lead us to ideas to try with our partners or fantasies to share.

Sometimes a quick release is wanted or needed. Sometimes a person doesn't want to have to think about their partner's needs. Using erotica and masturbation can be better than using your partner as little more than an adult toy. Being 'selfish' by yourself for many people is more preferable than feeling like a jerk for being 'selfish' with a partner or feeling obligated to satisfy a partner when they don't feel up to it.

This relationship may be over for a number of reasons and sex is probably one part. Once you start talking to each other you may find differences in other areas have been growing without either of you realizing it. It happens.

No matter what you do, be yourself. And remember that you will continue to grow, change and adapt as you go through life. It is a part of living and learning.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

yes, you need counseling if it is bothering you so much.

Thanks

You noticed his difficulty maintaining an erection before the porn discussion but it hasn't always been a problem. Yet, he's probably been using porn the entire time you've been together. I don't see any strong evidence to suggest a correlation between the porn use and his physical problems, just a link between you're upset/disappointed feelings and the porn. I know it's something you don't like, but that doesn't mean it's the real issue (which could be any number of things and fighting won't help any of them). Is there anything else going on in your lives that you think might be causing his difficulties?

Your posts seem very emotionally charged so I would caution you to not make any major decisions about your relationship until you've had some time to cool down. I know how hurt and/or upset you might be, but advise you to give it a couple weeks (at least) before telling him you're done.

If he is less interested in you, this is a even more of an issue. Talk to him and get conselling. I'm sure you love him (and often when you're in love, you desire him too) but that doesn't always work if there's issues, maybe find ways to get your sex drive up again and make things more interesting e.g books certians videos, sex therapist etc

p.s. it's usually best to wait till marriage for sex

I respectfully disagree that you need some form of counseling for the sole reason that you're upset about your boyfriend watching porn. I think what is really in order is overall relationship counseling. He might be stressed and that's the reason he can't get/maintain an erection and might need help sharing what's bothering him, and you need a safe environment to talk about how him watching porn makes you feel, without feeling "wrong" for disliking his watching it. Many women act okay with men watching porn, but it can make them feel insecure. Having people say that all men do it and that you need to get over it can only make you feel worse about being upset by the whole thing, and it's important if you feel that way to share it with your partner and potentially a counselor so that he or she can help the two of you work on this. I hope you can come to realize that you are not the entire problem here, and nor are you a psycho.

I'm sorry for being emotionally charged :( I do get that way with problems.
There are many things in our lives that are stressing BOTH of us out, but I guess I don't need to make my boneless organ stand up, right? Yes it upsets me and I hope it isn't that "LIVE chat" porn but I think I will wait till we get a bit happier to ask, we are okay at the moment just building up some happiness again together after fight till I can have a rational conversation with him. Apparently I need to feel confident with myself. Thank you for all your advice.

Emily Rae.

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p.s. it's usually best to wait till marriage for sex

Too Late. ;)