My girlfriend of three years broke up with me about a week ago out of the blue. We were a happy couple, and no issues that I can possibly see. She is 21 now, while I am 27 years old. She said that she still loves me very much, and she wants to come back to me. She told me on that day that she seems too emotionally drained with how her life is going. She hates herself and she doesn't know who she is without me. She goes out sometimes with her friends, and every time she is out without me, all she can think about is me and what I'm doing. She says that is not healthy. She also has issues from her past that she has held down for so long, and she just kept putting them aside. She swears to me up and down that there is not another guy and that she does want to be with me. She also says that she knows I have to live my life and that she doesn't expect me to wait, and it would have to be my choice to take her back. She is going to start therapy this week so I'm hoping that goes well...
I know she is 21, and has grown so much as a woman in the past three years, so these uncertainties happen. I have no other choice to believe her, but it still is hard. Of course, I went super sad on here for the first two days (cant believe you gave up on us, blah blah) and she was never mad, just really upset. I stopped communication after that, but she keeps texting little things like "I'm so sorry I'm putting you through this" and "I'm not a good person" etc. Its not a typical "wants space" type story, that's what makes this so difficult. I understand why she is doing this whole space thing, and in fact, am amazed she did. I've had very sparse convos with her the past 5 days (moving out questions, when she can get her stuff, etc), but I told her we needed to talk today so I can tell her that I support her space and I will give her all that she needs, but we need to stop texting for awhile and I need to live my life and not hold on to a possibility that you might be back. I don't know if this is a good choice...

Also, what should I do from here to get her back? Should I not text for a while? When I start texting after a long time, what should I say? Should I be supportive? Should I keep a large distance? I just want her back with me as my GF, and I think she wants that too I don't know. I need some help badly because if this week is any indication of how the next several weeks will go, I can't take it.

Of you truly understand and are there to support her. Tell her just that. If you really love her help her through this difficult time. Sometimes it's not always the therapist but the person she loves that can help her through this. She is confused and although she may tell you that you need not wait, there is no reason for you to mention that. Don't tell her you will wait or that you won't wait. That not what needs to be addressed right now. Don't use manipulation or guilt to have her back. She is not herself at the moment so neither of that will work. Give her her space but be that support. Don't bombard her with it but let her come to her senses on her own. Help her if you'd like. If you move on in the process then you move on. If she moves on in the process then she moves on. You both clearly still love each other. Don't expect anything in the process. Don't do anything with an agenda. Just let things take its course. I know it's difficult for you but now is your chance to heal from this as well. Don't hate her. She doesn't hate you either. Just let things be. You haven't lost each other. It's not the end and clearly not the end of the world. Be mature and level headed. Decide for yourself of this is what u want as well. Don't do anything irrational. Hope this helps. We're here to help.

Thank you Riz. I really do need to hear that. I feel so lost in this entire thing. I want to help, and I don't think she is lying about any of this at all, and if she really wanted it done, I don't think she would tell me she wants to come back to me would she? I'm so confused as to all of this. I know she is so confused with life and I want to help her, but I don't want to come on as being TOO close, than there is no reason for reconciliation in the relationship if I'm always there. It's a fine line I'm trying not to cross, but its tearing me up inside so bad.

You right. I completely understand how you feel. First off, yes she may be telling the truth, we probably is, but there is no need for you to along onto her words and hold steadfast that she will surely come back. Secondly, yes help her by giving her her desired space. You two are friends first and foremost before lovers. That's how it should be. If she needs anything let her know you are there for her. Not as a lover but as a friend. If you are constantly there it will change nothing as you said. Tell her you are there for her if she needs anything that's all. Don't tell her how when where why etc. keep it simple, keep it mature. This is a difficult time for you as well and I'm sure you are confused too so take this time to heal and figure things out. Don't actively got out there to get over her but to just find your own self as well. You both need to find yourselves before you find each other. Things like this happen all the time it's nothing new. I know it sucks being in that confused between zone. It's much easier having a solid answer but in order for that to happen you must first decide how you want to go about this. Right now there is no gaurntee of the future so just accept things the way they are and it will happen again if it's mean to happen. If you move on then you move on. Be her support and friend not overly where you hurt yourself in the process if you don't get the response from her that you were hoping for, but enough so that if things were to be fine again you guys can maturely decide if you want to progress or not. I know you will miss her and you will want to do stupid things but it's import to understand she is gone and not yours atm. So just be a friendly ( a real friend not with any agenda) support, not as a lover.

Adage may be mature, and a women by age but she just got out of her child years. She was a teenager only 2 years ago. It's uderstandable why she may need to find herself.

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Originally Posted by Rize

You right. I completely understand how you feel. First off, yes she may be telling the truth, we probably is, but there is no need for you to along onto her words and hold steadfast that she will surely come back. Secondly, yes help her by givin her her desired space. You two are friends first and foremost before lovers. That's how it should be. If she needs anything let her know you are there for her. Not as a lover but as a friend. If you are constantly there it will change nothing as u said. Tell her u are there for her if she needs anything that's all. Don't tell her how when where why etc. keep it simple, keep it mature. This is a difficult time for you as well and I'm sure you are confused too so take this time to heal and figure things out. Don't actively got out there to get over her but to just find your own self as well. You both need to find yourselves before u find each other. Things like this happen all the time it's nothing new. I know it sucks being in that confused inbetween zone. It's much easier having a solid answer but in order for that to happen u must first decide how u want to go about this. Right now there is no gaurntee of the future so just accept things the way they are and it will happen again if it's mean to happen. If you move on then you move on. Be her support and friend not overly where u hurt urself in the process if u don't get the response from her that u were hoping for, but enough so that if things were to be fine again u guys can maturely decide if you want to progress or not. I know u will miss her and u will want to do stupid things but it's import to understand she is gone and not urs atm. So just be a friendly ( a real friend not with any agenda) support, not as a lover.

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Wow this helps so much! I need answers like this. So very helpful. I have some friends who can help, but they are basic "oh that sucks bro, sorry" and not really helping at all. I have one more question for you, then I think I will be okay (at least for today)...

She has been texting sorry a lot because she feels so guilty and she wants to make sure I'm okay, and she keeps saying "I know its hard to understand, but this is something that I have to do to better myself, especially if we talked about marriage (we have talked about that before... might be wigging out about that a bit since she is about to graduate college). I again have kept a supportive vibe without texting her first the past several days, but I told her last night that we need to talk today (first time since the breakup about a week ago). I want to tell her that I understand where she is coming from after a week of observing (I don't think she knows I fully understand) and I'll be there for her when she needs it, but I don't think it's a good idea to casually text me for a while (couple weeks?) I don't think that is good for either party. I guess I want to see if this is a good idea and what are some of the key things I should bring up today? Along with that (trying not to set agendas either... Im a planner type person so its hard lol), I want to see how long I should go with no contact before I try to reach out again? Im not making myself readily available (not too clingy or anything, just on here), but I guess I want to give her time to realize what she has isn't so bad. Any advice on that? THANK YOU SO MUCH

Your welcome! Haha I know I hate when friends do that. Im usually the one giving advice.

Again there is no gaurntee that it is to better herself for marriage cause you guys aren't in one and she probably feel like it has to happen one way or another since you talked about it but honestly she can get up and leave at any point and she's probably figuring out what to do in her young life. So yes that may sound assuring and she may mean it fully but right now, you guys aren't together. So don't talk like you are it will confuse things even more.

Okie in my opinion, I think even she is a bit concerned for where things are headed with her decision and is probably confused a as well since she wants you but doesn't want you etc.. So she is probably texting as an excuse or just to see if you are OK because this is probably bothering her. Secondly, yes even for your healths sake you are driving yourself insane with all this analyzing and over analyzing because I understand fully how difficult this is for you. It's a hard situation, I know. Sometimes it's best to not analyze but just stop and forget this for a bit you know? The more you analyze the more new questions will pop up. It's just a vicious cycle. Just accept it for what it is. Worser things happen in this world everyday so don't put that burden on yourself. Thirdly, if you want to tell her anything, just tell her plain an simple how I put it above. Nothing more. Don't tell her you understand, don't tell her anything else because honestly do you even understand? It seems like you just want to know what the "right" thing to do or say is again for the same reason to get her back. If u do this you will miss out and be miserable again like 2 days from now and none of what I said will make a difference. You are just as confused and hurt. You also deserve space and attention. Tell her this if anything. Tell her that you are there for her as a friend and it's difficult for you as well but you don't blame her and you not "allow", not "understand" but u ACCEPT her decision. Because I know you don't fully understand it and I doubt she fully does either. It's unfair of her to keep texting and keep that contact when she wanted a break. Tell her you understand she's sorry and that you will always be her friend and you hope for the best but things are inevitably done as of now (according to her decision, not that it was your or that you want to say that to spite her, but instead from how you understand it) Don't make it messy or dramatic.

Also don't "see how long you can go without contact" because your setting yourself up for disappointment again. Just accept it. If it helps accept it as its over as of now. Hope for the best and I wish you the best but accept it as it is. Actively try to heal and find yourself again. Do this for you. Make yourself happy don't lose yourself in her when her coming back isn't a gaurntee. You have to worry about yourself too. Find that person before you met her and embrace that and know that she hasn't gone anywhere but she isn't yours ATM if it works out then it works out and things won't have ended so bad and hurt for you not to be able to pick it up again.

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Originally Posted by Rize

Also don't "see how long you can go without contact" because your setting yourself up for disappointment again. Just accept it. If it helps accept it as its over as of now. Hope for the best and I wish you the best but accept it as it is. Actively try to heal and find yourself again. Do this for you. Make yourself happy don't lose yourself in her when her coming back isn't a gaurntee. You have to worry about urself too. Find that person before you met her and embrace that and know that she hasn't gone anywhere but she isn't urs ATM if it works out then it works out and things won't have ended so bad and hurt for u not to be able to pick it up again.

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Okay that is all of what I needed to hear. A little update... I ended up meeting her about 20 minutes ago for a quick meeting (lasted like 7 minutes) She looked happy to see me, but I can see the hurt in her eyes from this week. I asked her how things were going, she said okay, nothing major just going to class and studying a bunch (as she was there with a study friend). I told her that I do understand what she is going through being a 21 year old going through some rough times. I also mentioned the fact that I understood that she was fully reliant in me and so lost in me/her depression that she couldn't see herself as a person. She said yes, surprised I figured it out hahaha. I told her that I accept that decision and have been proud of her for doing what she thought was right, but we don't need to talk for awhile. Said its not fair to either of us. She just nodded her head okay, without any words said. I told her to text if something came up where she couldn't handle it, but this hiatus is needed. Said she found a one person loft to live in for the time instead of bumming off friends. Asked her if she was excited, she said no... I left her and she texted about 5 minutes later and said thank you... I told her her happiness is the most important thing. She then said "I'm still in love with you. I love us together and think we make a great couple. I just need to get over me to be with you happily"... again shouldn't hold on to every word because it only hurts more and makes me crazy, but felt something good there.

Anyway, its time for me to move on and accept the fact that we may or may not get back together. I will give it some time for everyone to heal, especially myself. I felt like I've grown a good deal, but its only been a week. The uncertainty of the entire ordeal was making it so much worst for me, but having a form of control/understand from both parties will drive me for a little bit at least. It seems like there is a battle with herself to both "find herself" and overcome her depression. She has always been depressed, even before we started dating. A LOT of things happened to her growing up that many of us would not dare to live with, but she kept it all in. That was a huge concern for me going into our relationship three years ago, but as months went by, I guess I thought she healed herself. I tired to help her by listening and understanding, but I'm obviously not licensed to help her. I don't know much about actual clinical depression, but I would assume that doesn't just go away. She is very sad, and has put up a front for a long time, and I think what subsided that depression was me. I think I became that safety net so that she could keep fronting to be happy without actually being fully happy. In any event, I need to find myself and my center and I think this time will be great for the both of us.

I think meeting you might have helped with her depression but it was just temporary aid and as things got routine and comfertable and a natural part of her life he could count on, her fears and anexiety were once again brought forth because they never truly went away.

I am sure she truly appreciates you doing this for her and understanding her. She definitely knows that you are there for her and sees you in a good light. Now it's up to her to make that decision. She wants to be together but remember atm

I think meeting you might have helped with her depression but it was just temporary aid and as things got routine and comfertable and a natural part of her life he could count on, her fears and anexiety were once again brought forth because they never truly went away.

I am sure she truly appreciates you doing this for her and understanding her. She definitely knows that you are there for her and sees you in a good light. Now it's up to her to make that decision. She wants to be together but remember atm is not, so I hope for the best but remember to worry about yourself as she is doing so with herself atm. That's the only way things can be better if you two are meant to be. Be those individual's when you first met.

What you said above makes perfect sense. I'm proud of you haha. Seems like you got it figured out as much as you need to for now and are headed towards the right path. Maturely and very well put with good understanding and insight. Good luck.

Thanks Rize for all your help! I will keep you and anyone else reading this updated as time goes by. Lets hope for the best.