Ask Me Help Desk - Does anyone else see porn as cheating?

If I came home, and my boyfriend had a naked girl in our bed that he was masturbating to, it'd be cheating, right? How is porn any different?

Ive watched and enjoyed porn before on my own, but never when I was with someone, especially in this relationship where we're committed and honest and open with each other. It feels wrong to me when I have him to go to to satisfy me.

I walked in on him watching porn the other day. I didn't know that he's been watching it since we've been together. Why did he hide it from me? He never hides anything from me... At least I thought he didn't.

Now I feel cheated on and betrayed.

Should I be this upset? Or should I just get over it? I just feel so wounded, and it hurts to know that he'll keep watching it, instead of just waiting for me to get home.

Is reading a romance paperback cheating, especially when the cover features a half-naked buff male and you are curled up in bed reading about his erotic romps and bed hopping?

Would you have felt cheated on if he wouldn't have "hidden" it? If he would have asked for your permission, you would have said okay?

There is a line, usually that is interaction. If your husband had a naked woman other than you in your bed while he was there, I would consider that cheating. Funny thought though, that occurs at a strip joint more often than not. Except that masturbation part.

Do I considering looking at naked women on my computer while I spank my monkey cheating on my wife? (I got married a little under two weeks ago too.) Nope. Does it affect my sex life with my wife? Nope. Do I advertise that I am doing it to my wife? Nope. Do I hide it? Nope.

You should not be upset. You should get over it. It is your insecurities and ignorance that is causing you to feel like this.

I just called you ignorant and that's not a bad thing. It can be fixed. :-)

When your husband is masturbating like that he isn't doing it because he doesn't want to sleep with you. It is honestly just scratching an itch. It is a private moment where he can take care of himself. He doesn't need to worry about anything but himself. He doesn't need to make sure his mate is as aroused as him, or that he's wearing protection, or that he's aiming for the right hole, or what not. He doesn't want to make love. He just wants to rub one off.

As Wondergirl has eluded to, you also have to consider that arousal cycle and its difference between men and women. As wondergirl stated, women take a little to get going. It takes an emotional response. It is evoked by those tender moments you share with your mate. Or reading about those intimate moments in a book, or on screen, or what not. It is an emotional response. Men are considerably different. We like looking at naked ladies. We're visual.

Sometimes all it takes for us to get hard is accidentally looking down a waitresses shirt and seeing her black lacy bra. It doesn't mean we're going to throw the woman down and copulate with her on the table. I mean do you know how hard it is to get mayonnaise stains out of a black dress pants?

When it comes to porn we are looking for a seed of fantasy. Just something to get hard while we take care of business. It doesn't mean that we actually want to have sex with that person. It doesn't mean that we want to cheat on you. It is just a thought to use while we rub one off. Trust me variety is the spice of life. My collection includes all races, ethinicities, body shapes, ages, midgets, and all things between. Most look nothing like my wife. If I met them on the street would I want to have sex with them? Nope.

What you're feeling right now is the emotional response to what you've discovered. You feeling like your husband has cheated on you. He hasn't. He's just been doing what men have been doing for millions of years. Doesn't make the hurt any better. What you need to think about is this:
1). He is still with you and loves you. Not some bimbo from a porn movie.
2). You still, I assume, have a satisfying sex life. He wants to make love to you.
3). He likes to see you naked with all your lumps, bumps, and imperfections.
4). He still loves you. This bears repeating.
5). He isn't coming you to what he sees or judging you based upon it. It isn't a reflection upon you.
6). He isn't doing this because he's unsatisfied with your sex life. It is scratching an itch.

The last thing I want to address is that he hide it from you. Well Duh! One doesn't leave their spank material lying around. For one he thought you might fly off the handle if you found it. Which you did. It is also a person and private thing. It isn't something that wants you to know he is doing. It is embarrassing, and still REALLY considered taboo by society. It's a private thing. You can ask him not to do it, but he'll just get more clever in how he hides it so you don't know about.

What I would suggest is to take a hard think about this once you've calmed down and realize that this isn't actually a big deal. He is still with you and loves you and looks at you with adoring eyes. He's not cheating, you can tell because his isn't in another woman for example, and he's happy with you. It will be something you might run across in the future. If that's the case than don't make a big deal about it.

Porn is really only a problem when it starts taking over people's lives. This isn't the case.

Good luck!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Would you have felt cheated on if he wouldn't have "hidden" it? If he would have asked for your permission, you would have said okay?

I think I would've been more comfortable with it. Or if when I asked him about it, he had been open and honest. I've had serious relationships before where I knew that my boyfriend watched porn, knew what sort of stuff he was watching, and even watched some with them. This whole hiding it thing makes me really uncomfortable.

What's a lot worse for me is that he was watching a live cam with a chat area on a site with videos and photos uploaded by "real" people, not just someone hired for a part. For me, this blurs the distinction between it being "fake" and "real", and that's hurting me a lot. It's making this a lot more difficult for me to accept.

CravenMoorehead, thank you for your long reply. You made some very good points (although I will stubbornly dissagree with you on the ignorant part!). I know it's going to take me a few days to calm down, and I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than is really warranted. But I still feel not good enough. Why does he need that?

There's a part of me that keeps yelling something along the lines of: Why is it OK for men to look at and be aroused by other women? And to actively peruse that lust online? It wouldn't be acceptable in public, why is it acceptable behind closed doors?

Just because my hormones make me want to hurt people for about seven days a month doesn't mean I should act upon it.

I apologize if I'm coming across affronted and angry. I'm an emotional mess ball right now, but I'm sure that much is obvious.

I'm curious... How does your wife feel about you watching porn? Does she feel differently about live cam stuff vrs movies, like I'm finding that I do?

I offered to take more dirty pictures for him, for us to create a stash of things for him to look at (which I'm totally on board for, and would've been before this) but I don't think it will keep him from looking online, and that breaks my heart.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

CravenMoorehead, thank you for your long reply. You made some very good points (although I will stubbornly dissagree with you on the ignorant part!). I know it's going to take me a few days to calm down, and I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than is really warranted. But I still feel not good enough. Why does he need that?

As I said, it is the seed of fantasy. It is what gets him hard. Then he rubs one off. It is that little spark to get it going. As I said, we need precious little to get it going. Sometimes walking down the street, a woman is walking the other way, cold breeze, "PoP" and that's enough to get us thinking.

It is getting the fantasy in place. It is kind of like the dreaming you get from ready a trashy romance.

What gives you the right to read that? Isn't your husband enough? Thinking about him and his romantic moments.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

There's a part of me that keeps yelling something along the lines of: Why is it ok for men to look at and be aroused by other women? And to actively peruse that lust online? It wouldn't be acceptable in public, why is it acceptable behind closed doors?

Besides the fact that we're genetically programmed for it? We're not pursuing lust. We're getting hard and doing it behind closed doors. We're not aroused by the woman but the thought and fantasy that comes with it. Just like we're aroused by the thought of our SOs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

Just because my hormones make me want to hurt people for about seven days a month doesn't mean I should act upon it.

Which is why there isn't a lot of raping going on. If we were to act on our lusts in the way you suggest than we'd all just be raping. We take the thought, in a quiet place, and take care of business.

Liken it to having a bubble bath. It is a fundemental difference between the sexes that each need to appreciate and understand. You're not. That's why this hurts. You're approaching this as if it is the same for you.

Please tell me that you've never fantasized about someone. Even while married. I will call you a lair.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

I apologize if I'm coming across affronted and angry. I'm an emotional mess ball right now, but I'm sure that much is obvious.

It is understandable and justifiable. What you need to do is figure out why you're angry. What it is. Also realize that it is you who he comes home too and plows on regular basis. Not the woman from the pictures or movies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

I'm curious... How does your wife feel about you watching porn? Does she feel differently about live cam stuff vrs movies, like I'm finding that I do?

I don't do the cam stuff, I think it is crossing the line. I have the movies and the pictures. She's curious but doesn't ask. I don't do it in front of her. I don't want her to see it. It's private.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Littlemouse72

I offered to take more dirty pictures for him, for us to create a stash of things for him to look at (which I'm totally on board for, and would've been before this) but I don't think it will keep him from looking online, and that breaks my heart.

It won't keep him from looking. He'll never stop. Something you will have to accept. He's dedicated to you. I have said a number of different ways. You need to realize and accept this. A thought that might blow your mind, he was doing this before you knew. Think of how he acted towards you.

It isn't a big deal. The biggest sin is that he got caught.

Get over it... there is a HUGE difference between having a real girl and a picture... in the bed or bathroom.

I suppose he should get equally indignant the next time you see an actor on TV you like... for other than his acting ability.

You admitted to watching porn in the past. You're a female, and for women (and I'm a woman too, so I do get it) once they're in a relationship they think that a guy shouldn't be sexual with anyone but you. That's not the case.

Men are visual. Looking at porn is the same as you reading a romance novel, or watching a romance on TV or in the movies. Can you honestly say that you don't read, or watch romance books, movies, or TV shows? If you can't, then guess what, that's your porn. It's the same as what he's doing.

There's an old saying, and it's very true. It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home.

Porn isn't cheating. It's a romance novel for men.

Was he able to chat with the live cam girl? Was he like asking her to do stuff?
If my husband was literally telling a live cam girl what to do while he watched, I'd be extremely upset! That is crossing a line.

Or was it a girl on cam that happened to be live? And he was just watching, not chatting?
I've never seen the live cam thing, so I don't know how it works.

Just porn is not cheating at all. It's something almost all guys watch (and many women). Honestly I'd be way more concerned if I was with a guy who never watches porn! (It would make me think he had no sex drive or is really uptight).

I guarantee even Jessica Alba's husband watches porn. You can have the sexiest wife in the world and think she's the hottest thing ever and love her sooo much, but he will still masturbate to porn from time to time! It really is just "scratching an itch" or having some me time. It's comparable to a good massage or a bubble bath. It's healthy and releases those feel good chemicals in the brain! Of course nothing is better than actually having sex/ being intimate. But I'm assuming he's doing it when you aren't available.. like when your asleep, or at work, too busy, or too tired etc.

Men truly are very visual creatures. I'm very visual, and I'm female. Romance novels and romantic movies do nothing for me.
Also, I don't think men are very good at coming up with a fantasy in their head. And naked bodies having sex is just super arousing! I'd rather be automatically extremely aroused and not have to think, than to be trying to get myself aroused by focusing on a fantasy I'm trying to create in my head. Porn makes it so much easier, you don't have to think.

The reason men hide it or lie, is that sadly too many women think it is cheating, and while they say, they ask, no, they accuse. WERE YOU LOOKING AT PORN??

They are not wanting to discuss this, except to hear that he won't do it again, So he says that, to not fight with her right now, thinking he will just hide it better.

Should he be honest about it, yes, should he just say this is what I do, yes.
Should a women just accept it as something men do , yes.

Issue is, some don't, and women get judged by what those that make it a nightmare do.

My view on porn, if they know their girlfriend is definitley okay with it then no it is not, but without permission is it a bit like cheating yes. I have watched porn when in a relationship but didn't think it was wrong as I was pretending my boyfriend was the actor in the video. If he is doing when he could wait for you that is like cheating.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pr3tty_in_pink

My view on porn, if they know their girlfriend is definitley okay with it then no it is not, but without permission is it a bit like cheating yes. I have watched porn when in a relationship but didn't think it was wrong as I was pretending my boyfriend was the actor in the video. If he is doing when he could wait for you that is like cheating.

You can't cheat with your hand (either a man or a woman)... it takes another real person to be involved .

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

You can't cheat with your hand (either a man or a woman)...it takes anther real person to be involved .

What if I dress up my hand? Make it look like Jessica Alba. Might be a stretch though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pr3tty_in_pink

My view on porn, if they know their girlfriend is definitley okay with it then no it is not, but without permission is it a bit like cheating yes. I have watched porn when in a relationship but didn't think it was wrong as I was pretending my boyfriend was the actor in the video. If he is doing when he could wait for you that is like cheating.

That is your opinion. The great thing about this wonderful world is that I can say that it is my opinion that you're completely wrong.

It's a double standard. You're thinking it was your boyfriend. We were feeling like it was your precious warmth getting us off. We just need that hint of a naked body to get us hard and get the fantasy going.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

What if I dress up my hand? Make it look like Jessica Alba. Might be a stretch though.

If my husband EVER dressed his hand up like Jessica Alba he'd be in the mother freakin' in dog house!! That is crossing a HUGE line. J/K lol

Normally, I don't have a problem with porn. I watch it. My husband watches it. I don't consider it cheating.

I do have to say, though, that 'live' cam and chat capabilities are a different matter. It switches from non-interactive adult entertainment to a fully interactive experience. It puts it in the same category with dating sites and the sites set-up for cheaters. (I do make a distinction between strip clubs with lap dances and interactive live sex cams.)

Getting off while helping someone else get off is very different from viewing a video or looking at pictures.

I don't think there should ever be permission to view or use erotica/porn. I do think you need to talk with him about what he is doing. If he is only looking and not interacting, then I would let it go. If he is interacting with others (especially if they aren't paid models/actresses), then you need to decide what your boundary line is and let him know where it is. Find out from him what his boundary line is. See if there is a compromise or if you both are too different in your needs and expectations.

If he thinks you are over-reacting, ask him if he would be okay with you interacting with other men on an interactive site. His answer may give you better insight into his thoughts, feelings, and expectations.

Porn today is ruining relationships.. there is too much of it going on .and there is nothing us women can do about it... its making men worse then they were.. you start watching male porn and see what he does...

Quote:

Originally Posted by slone47

porn today is ruining relationships..there is too much of it going on .and there is nothing us women can do about it...its making men worse then they were ..you start watching male porn and see what he does...

What's ruining relationships are hyper-touchy people who refuse to deal with their own personal issues (whatever they might be)... and instead try to impose upon others their unreasonable demands... and that's not gender specific, because there are plenty of examples on both sides to go around.

If she wants to watch naked guys in porn... its her right to do so as well. In fact it might be a good idea if she did.

When in a relationship there are things you can/have to accept (if you want to stay) and things you don't have to accept. In most if not all relationships you are going to have to accept porn use in your partner because that is sooooo... common. But, I think live web cam porn is getting iffy, maybe crossing a line. Any interaction and I would say it's definitely crossing a line (but that's just me). At any rate, I don't think you would have trouble finding a man who agreed with your perspectives regarding live web chat porn so if you can't accept this in your relationship, then don't.