Ask Me Help Desk - Should I get divorced?

Should I get divorced?

I've been married for 15 years. We have 2 children (15yrs and 12 yrs). My wife has, over the past 7 years become more and more distant. 2 years ago we entered into a real crisis. She said that she needed me to change towards her, or she didn't see how we could stay together. I resented that, because I felt that she had already distanced herself from me emotionally and physically. We hardly ever had sex and she was definitely not as interested as I was.

I did change... but not maybe in the way she had intended! I started to run and lose weight.. I guess I was preparing myself for us separating. Suddenly younger women were now interested in me. My wife wasn't taking care of my emotional and physical needs, so I ended up meeting a younger girl who WAS interested in my needs.

There was a lack of love and tenderness at home and suddenly I found this with someone else. I had never been unfaithful in 14 years and never had a problem with that before. But as we had grown further and further apart, suddenly I found myself falling in love with someone else. It surprised and frightened me, but I couldn't resist the urges I had.

I work away from home for around 60-75% of the year. My wife has also started working in the last year and a half. This has compounded our problems. I am still in love with my wife and miss her terribly. I want to keep our family together and don't want to end our relationship. I want my children to grow up in a happy and loving home, but I am beginning to accept this might not be possible. She already was distanced and now she has no time for me at all. How can we sort out this problem when we have no time to commit to each other.

We tried counselling a couple of years ago, but it didn't go well. There is a lot of resentment and hatred between us. I finally confronted my wife about my infidelity and at first she didn't seem to care much. But now she says she wants to get divorced. She says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She thinks we are bad for each other.

I persuaded her to give counselling another go. I also said I thought we should try everything before we give up on our marriage. I have kept the girl I met out of the picture during these last few months whilst we try and sort things out. But sometimes I think why? Just give up and start living your life. I also want my wife to be happy. I don't want her to stay with me if she isn't in love and excited by me anymore.

I asked her if she misses me when I go away. She said she doesn't and the last time I went she was actually glad that I had gone. I am home now because I suddenly was free for a few days, but it really feels as if I am in the way and she can't wait for me to leave her in peace.

I guess my question is:

Should I be fighting for my marriage? Or should I just throw in the towel and allow us to get on with our lives.. separately?

Any advice is appreciated

Let fate decide.

If you want your marriage to survive fight for it. But it does not seem like you do. Instead of working on it before, finding out why your wife had become distant, you cheated. Now you say you miss her and want things to work. Yet you still have this girl in the wings. What brought about the change of heart?

You cheated on your wife and I'm betting she's younger. New relationships are exciting. In 15 years you will be bored with this one and cheating again. You owed it to your wife to work on things before you moved on with another woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoveBirds

Let fate decide.

It isn't a greatly helpful answer, but I get what you mean. The problem is that I have tried to let fate decide but fate seems to take a long time...

You should work on it, if she is willint to work on it, IF

If you really want to make it work, sorry it sounds like you don't.

You lose weight and get into shape to be and feel better, women will always be there to cheat with, if you weight 400 lbs, someone will cheat with you if you want that.

You wanted to cheat and found a way to not take responsibility, blaming it on losing weight and the women chasing you. Guess what, there can always be women chasing, you have to say no and not be looking.

And yes, even in great relationships, if one person is gone a lot, the other may like it that way, it does not mean they don't love you, they just get used to you being gone, and you are sometimes in the way when you are home. One of the bad effects of traveling and being gone too much

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

If you want your marriage to survive fight for it. But it does not seem like you do. Instead of working on it before, finding out why your wife had become distant, you cheated. Now you say you miss her and want things to work. Yet you still have this girl in the wings. What brought about the change of heart?

I think it's fair to say I did try to work at it. 7 years ago, whilst I was working away, it was my wife who had a sort of "emotional affair". She met someone through work and struck up an inappropriate relationship with him. It involved multiple phone calls and text messages every day and she hid this from me. It continued for a few months and when I discovered it she put an end to it immediately. I tried to understand, but I never really got over this. I saw it as a form of infidelity and I found it difficult to forgive.

There is no change of heart. I have always loved my wife and wanted her. It was her that became distant and started to make it clear that she didn't want me. Yes I miss her and want her to feel the same way about me. But whilst it's clear that things aren't improving between us I find it difficult to let go of the new person in my life. Perhaps I will regret that more...

Quote:

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

You cheated on your wife and I'm betting she's younger. New relationships are exciting. In 15 years you will be bored with this one and cheating again. You owed it to your wife to work on things before you moved on with another woman.

You bet wrong! She is 4 years older than me. I agree that new relationships are exciting, but I was never bored with my wife. If anyone is bored it must be her. So I wonder why you would assume that? I find my wife beautiful, sexy and attractive. But it isn't enough for her it seems. I wasn't unfaithful to her because I was bored with her. I had given up hope of her loving me. Our relationship was deteriorating to such an extent that I felt there was no longer anything "in it for me".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

You should work on it, if she is willint to work on it, IF

If you really want to make it work, sorry it sounds like you don't.

You lose weight and get into shape to be and feel better, women will always be there to cheat with, if you weight 400 lbs, someone will cheat with you if you want that.

You wanted to cheat and found a way to not take responsiblity, blaming it on losing weight and the women chasing you. Guess what, there can always be women chasing, you have to say no and not be looking.

And yes, even in great relationships, if one person is gone a lot, the other may like it that way, it does not mean they don't love you, they just get used to you being gone, and you are sometimes in the way when you are home. One of the bad effects of traveling and being gone too much

I agree that we should work on it, but I feel like maybe she doesn't really want to. Seems like we're just going through the motions of counselling and ultimately we want to find that we should separate!

Yes I got into shape to feel better. Partly health, partly self esteem. But the problem was that I went from an overweight, successful 40+ man to a fitter, confident, successful 40+ man. Suddenly it was very noticeable that younger, more attractive girls were showing a different kind of interest in me... I had never really experienced this and it is dangerous... I certainly accept that at that stage, having given up hope of our relationship improving and feeling better about myself, yes I did want to "cheat". I even didn't see it as cheating, since to cheat you have to have something to cheat on. I felt like my wife and I didn't have a marriage anymore. After all, a marriage is a contract between 2 people who trust, love and cherish each other. That wasn't true about us anymore. So I certainly take responsibility 100% for what I did and don't blame it on losing weight.

I think you are right about the going away element. This is something which my wife has become used to. At first she was supportive, but gradually she, naturally, got used to my not being around and found things to fill her time. Seems like they always take priority over our time together though... That's hard to have feelings of love when your partner seems to prefer everything before you.

You and your wife need to have a talk about your marriage. Is it salvageable, or over. Then do what needs to be done.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You and your wife need to have a talk about your marriage. Is it salvageable, or over. Then do what needs to be done.

Yeah... we've done that a lot...
I say it is. And hope for some sign that things can change for the better. She says she doesn't think it is. But then we don't move on... The problem seems to be that we both want the other to change their approach. We both feel we are right and we are both waiting, stubbornly for the other to show a sign... Just doesn't work. We end up arguing mostly! What a surprise!

Then if she does not move and you don't move, neither of you are really wanting to end it. Do counseling and work through this.
Pee or get off the pot!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Then if she does not move and you don't move, neither of you are really wanting to end it. Do counseling and work through this.
Pee or get off of the pot!

Interesting! I would have thought it meant the opposite... That if neither is moving then there is no chance of moving forward and finding a solution.. hmmmm!

When you want out of a marriage, you get out!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

When you want out of a marriage, you get out!.

And if you love and respect the person you are married to and don't want to cause them undue pain and suffering?

You sit down and have an honest discussion, not trying to get a point across or place fault or blame, trying to get one to change, but to really discuss what should be done about the situation you find yourself in.
Agree to disagree and then make a discussion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You sit down and have an honest discussion, not trying to get a point across or place fault or blame, trying to get one to change, but to really discuss what should be done about the situation you find yourself in.
Agree to disagree and then make a discussion.

Well... truth is I left home today to work away for 6 weeks. We talked earlier and basically decided to have a trial separation! My wife seemed happier and relieved about this. I think it will give her the space to discover if she really wants a divorce or not. We are not going to contact each other unless we really have to and then only by email unless we need to talk. I have also said I won't ask where she has been and what she has been up to... Then when my work is finished we will see if we want to continue to be apart or not...

Makes sense. I do hope you will contact your children though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Makes sense. I do hope you will contact your children though.

Oh yes... I will continue to contact them as much if not more! They are not to blame for what we do and I think their life might be a little less stressful for this period... Thanks for your comments...

You're welcome and I wish you well.