Ask Me Help Desk - Mother-daughter relation.

I have been through a lot in life and having a relationship with my mom means so much to me. I have forgiven her for what has happened to me. Or maybe I haven't... My mom's boyfriend sexually abused me when I was 4. She saw what was going on and didn't do anything and denied the whole thing. I thought I had forgiven her until I moved back in with her. I see how my sisters treat her and how my sister went through the same thing as me but it wasn't my my mom's boyfriend. She went through hell and back for my sister. She stayed on top of things. I want a mother daughter relationship with her but my mom hasn't grown up. She thinks its okay to act like a late teenager and think so immaturely... on top of that she told one of my friends that she can't tell me anything because she is afraid that I will tell her you haven't been a mother to me in 14 years. What can I do?

Sweetheart all you can do now is try to make a life of your own.. your mother doesn't want to face the reality of her actions she caused you... It seems to me from reading this that you are more the parent to her than she is to you. She knows in her own heart she was not there for you and yes now for the rest of her life she will carry that burden as well she should.
Rember hun you can't wish or hope someone will change for you.. because most the time they don't.

You may need a professional counselor for yourself to guide you through the healing process. This relationship has been broken for a long time, so please seek help for yourself.

I've been through the sam kind of thing, my mum was always trying to be my best friend, neva my mum, so I was always confused, I was raped at 14, an I blamed her for it, I've taken overdoses time and time again, which now I know was the wrong thing to do, but at the time all I needed was a cuddle from mum!

She's recently kicked me out, and I feel so much better now that she's not around, I can be myself, without all the complications!

This is a truly depressing series of posts.

Lives have been irreplacably changed. You need a professional counselor, and a steady career. Prayers to anyone that's been abused, raped or belittled as a child. It will scar you for life. Please get help. Your idea of normalcy - have a conversation with mother - is within a world of dysfunction. You can't see just how impossible it is because it's been all around you - but you need to heal and that requires a pro.

Talking to your mom is nice but she's damaged (god willing she one day get better) so work on yourself first - whether you think you are most important or not...

I know how you feel,I was abused by a friend of my mums when I was 6 and it was all brushed under the carpet.she was also a drug addict and so was my step dad.from the age of six my relationship with my mum has been none existent, I'm 25 now,and live 250 miles away from her and can now be me, I wish you luck, and if you need any advice from someone who knows what you are going through pm me and I will try to help as best I can

Hey urstruly, before I offer my opinion I wanted to preface this by saying that I was never sexually abused so I can’t relate and I’m on the outside looking in so to speak. That being said, my father was kind of a jeckel and hyde personality where by he was nice guy in public and complete jerk at home. I never fully understood why he cared more about people that he would never see again as opposed to his own family but at some point I gave up caring. Much like you with your mother, I tried forgave and forgave and continued to try and keep something going until I finally just quit trying. Ironically, for some reason when I gave up and started ignoring him he suddenly tried to get on my good side. Every time I’ve caved even as an adult I wind up getting screwed over somehow and he takes advantage of me and my kindness for his own personal gain, and what’s worse it’s usually at my expense in some way.

So a few years ago we had he screwed me over yet again and I just told him off and walked out of my parents house. I haven’t been back since and I’ve only seen him once since then. And I’m here to tell you that was one of the greatest decisions I’ve ever made. I’d recommend you do the same and realize and I think you’ll realize that your mom is now, like she was then holding you back from healing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by urstruly85

I have been through a lot in life and having a relationship with my mom means so much to me. I have forgiven her for what has happened to me. or maybe I haven't... My mom's boyfriend sexually abused me when i was 4. She saw what was going on and didn't do anything and denied the whole thing.

Which tells me something is wrong with your mom. I’m not saying you can fix it because I doubt at her age you can and in reality it would be something she would have to decide upon herself. But for a mother to overlook someone harming her children goes against her own genetic makeup. I’d assume that something happened to her as a child which is why she perhaps never was able to form that true parent/child relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by urstruly85

I thought I had forgiven her until I moved back in with her. I see how my sisters treat her and how my sister went through the same thing as me but it wasn't my my mom's boyfriend. she went through hell and back for my sister. she stayed on top of things.

You mom sounds like she has serious co-dependency issues where by she feels she needs a man in her life which is probably why she pushed so hard when it wasn’t her man on the line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by urstruly85

I want a mother daughter relationship with her but my mom hasn't grown up. She thinks its okay to act like a late teenager and think so immaturely... on top of that she told one of my friends that she can't tell me anything because she is afraid that I will tell her you haven't been a mother to me in 14 years. what can I do?

I think you have to let go. I just think your bringing yourself down to her level by reaching out to her and forgiving her for things that she should be begging for forgiveness instead of trying to send you on a guilt trip.