I have a 26 year old son still at home and his 4 year old daughter. Got into trouble with the law, did some time, doing okay, keeping a job, attending home church, helping with daughter as much as he can. The deal was to stay until he can get on his feet. How long does it take for him to get on his feet? He think he needs to have at least 6000 before he moves out... based on his income, that seems to be a long time!! WE also have taken in a family member 19 years old young minister, trying to find his purpose in life, this one comes in late... from ministry that is.. he is anointed and gifted, yet We look at him as because. Could not afford private baptist college, so he is back home, could not stay with his mother... no home , could not stay with his grand parents... do not really know the reason. Been with us 6 months... and seem like he can not find a job. He could have had one.. but did not show up. He seems to not move unless our pastor moves. It is like , he does not have to work a regular job... Just be an alter boy, armour bearer, etc.etc. What is with that? How do I let them know that It is time for them to leave in a way that will not stain our relationships? I also have a nephew who is living with us also. Going to school at a smaller high school.. because of all the gang violence and other negatives things at his old school. He is 16. He wants to go to the marines... I' am trying to encourage him to be a lawyer , teacher, Dooctor.. anything but... He came to us gang indoctrinated. HE has been deprogrammed Thank GOD... The other son is Navy. JAPAN... ALL the young men have influenced each other and balanced each other out yet... even though I enjoy seeing them grow to better men... it is a challenge and hard work... with a 4 year old high maintenance grand daughter. SHould we just leave them all here... and move out? My food bill is high.. my electric bill is high, my cars insurance is high. We get no tax break for helping these grwon folk. I get no tax break for the 16 year old. I am helping pay private school for the grand daughter... loaning the cars. Out for transportation... Should we just stop? Are we helping are hindering? We want to be a blessing and help family and friends. We give and give and give till it hurts at times.

Your being taken advantage of -- you need to put a time limit on them to get butts in gear -- Savage

What I did for my son, was to pay his rent in a small apartment for two months to get him on his own. ( He did not have a choice, it was that or the street)

And in the end, if he has to sleep in his car a few nights, he will get the idea.

What would be a reasonable time limit?
The single father son has been home almost a year. HE actually has a 2 year degree in Business Technology Honors... yet a.. convicted felon . So no chance in ever being a bona fide professional working American with all rightsl
The 19 year old... young Minister... who is homeless... mother homeless... Dad just out of jail... He actually preached and his dad came to Christ!! Still he is human... and have issues that concern young folk. Like this generation thinks everything must be given to them. They think they are entitled to have. Do not want to start from the bottom up.
Some how think he is so anointed, he does not have to work like everyone else or get an education to learn a trade.
The 21 year old... He is green.. was about to get married to some girl he really did not know... after boot camp. Thank God for that devine interception .

The 16 year old... He has no choice. He still in training

THE 4 YEAR OLD... WELL SHE IS A BREATH OF FRESH AIR... SOMEONE WHO LOOKS LIKE ME. SHE CAN STAY

TOUGHEN up hun let him learn the ride of ease is over.. If he is not out in a week... no it is not easy but yes I got sick of my son losing place after place the last time he begged for them all 3 of them to come stay with me awhile I said NO I HAVE HAD IT. I called daughter-in-laws family said look I have no room here for anymore people it is a small place and it is now your turn to help out.. well they all thought I was calling their bluffs including my son.. guess what? They ended up in a homeless shelter and yes they managed to work all of a sudden (amazing huh) and got their own place. Interesting since my home is no longer open house they have paid their rent and bills.
STOP WITH ALL THE HANDOUTS.. You are only encouraging them all to sponge off you.
NO you should not have to move out of your own home.

Yes often they have to be allowed to hit bottom to get better.

By allowing them to not have to do anything, you are allowing them to be lasy and not do anything

You have made it all too easy there in your home. Way too easy, while you have been struggling to keep everyone afloat, you are sinking.

I agree with everyone's thoughts on getting these people out on their own - doing it with love but also doing it firmly, strictly, backing up what you say, and locking the door as they leave. Your hotel needs to close. If someone ends up in a homeless shelter - they will soon learn that it is no picnic and that they have to be responsible. It is easy to be a slough-off when someone else picks up the tab.

Thank you for your advice.
Update... Well my cousin is out. I went to his mom.. well we had a family discussion. And I tod him and her He needed to be with her. Now his stuff is at Grandma's house.. He is not there most of the time. He bunks out at the pastors house most of the time.. He is his armor bearer or something like that. Meanwhile... the pstor's wife and children do not get much time with dad or any privacy because of my cousin, He is like a free loader. He is saving his money to get an aprtment.. but he never offers to pay for food . Yet when we or anyhone goes out to eat... he expects for someone to pay.. he wants to get married to this young lady... so he is really distancing himself from his mom...

HIs mom sickly and she is counting on him to help her. Well he does have a JOB and he is sticking it out because they will pay his tuition for theology school. HE wants to have a school. Well he is out the house and our realtaionship is much better. By the way... when he wrecked the car that we were going to give him... that is when my husband put his foot down and said that is it. Now my paastor's wife is feeling what I was feeling.

My pastor teaches us that we must give our 60% to very important people, 20% to the teachable people, 15% to the nice people, and 5% to the draining people. My cousin was draining to me but is important to my my pstor... yet... his family members cannot communicate with their dad/ husband.. how he has an affect on the family private time and realtionships with his son's.

I feel bad.. because this young minister is my family. He is just looking to belong somewhere... and our family is not good enough or holy enough granted, we were okay because we have the luxuries and blessed with mopre than enough in his eyes . He does not offer to help my grandmother or his mother much like cut the grass etc. he depends on pastor to get hinm to work and instead of going home /... he gets his ride to drop him off to his house in the morning... His wife is surprised, when she thinks she is alone and he's in the house in there hower!! This is called ministry. I call it being a leech!! And he is making them eat their words when pastor say's we are all family and we take care of each other

... stilll he is out of our house. And things are good. Now my son... welll he is just waiting to seee if he will be getting his own place or if he will get a place to stay in jail! Either way... he will be somewhere else before the summer is out.. I still have my grandbaby... so she will stay with us until her mother get's out of jail... We have offered to pay for her private education. We are just using our grandparent funds. WE do want to leave an inheritance for our grandchildren and their children. My nephew is managing well even though now we have found out his parents are divorcing. He thinks it for the best... in fact he say's they are better with each other now that they are parting ways. THey are still in the sane house sleeping in the same bed. Crazy!!

Any advice on how to keep my sanity and help my family? Oh and my niece has moved... run offf to be closer to her boyfriend. She is 19. I just pray she see's him for who he really is... THe boys in the family know he is a slick talker and hustler. LOve is blind. My father's health is going. It is just a matter of time for hime... My father n- law is also sick... so we have to take care of him becase my mother -n-law, is the prissy type of woman who willlnot get her hands dirty or see that he takes his med's

My husband and I think she wants him to die.. because he is an inconvience to her. He drools and cannot walk fast and it is hard for him to move around. Sometimes he has accidents... she fusses at him and say's he does it on purpose... We took him to the hospital thinking he was really sick... it was just a stomach virus. She started talking about nursing home and the doctor said oh no. She got mad after that. The man had a stroke.! Worked hard alll his life. Made some mistakes and she will not let it go.

I am stuck in between. My husband and I could use a break from all family. We have a 30 year anniversary coming up and it will probably just be a day of work and family drama. Can you give me some encouragement? This is just half of it.

Yes, most of the family can be helped by stoping helping them. Make them learn to live on their own, NOW, not next month, not next year.

Instead of giving money for this or that, hire them to do things, clean a park, or something, then if they really want help they can work for it.

I help at a homeless shelter for men and one with families, all can stay ONE night, but if they don't work the next day, they leave period.
Evenn the bible tells us those that don't work should not eat. No handouts, but help,

And I think the pastors percentages needs a lot of work,

The percentage thing... welll... we should be spending time with those who will encourage us and have the same goals as we have and spend less time with those who are draining us. He say's how are we to be helpful... if we are letting the needy people take up all our time. THe nice people.. they are the majority of church people.. they will tell you the sermon is nice and smile and say all the right things... make no waves and go home and be happy until they see you again and will just be compliant. The teachables are those we spend our time with and can pour into and teach. They have to be coached along the way. THis is new to me.

What about family... it is not always about money. They drain my personal time, and my spiritual time, my working time, my sleep time... The money part is not that important to me.. it is not mine to hoard. I am just a steward of it. I enjoy giving it away and being a blessing when that is what they need. Baby needs milk... If I do not take care of my family and help them what good am I? Is it not my purpose to bless others as GOD has blessed me starting with my family? I feel very funny giving to outside causes when my blood relatives need things or are hurting even if they caused it upon themselves. If a man is down... why should I force him to hit rock bottom. WHen you are in a hole... it is very hard to climb out. I just do not know how much of myself do I loose for the sake of helping others. I just want my famly to do better and be better and feel better. Not just my family... but the family of GOD and that is all people.

I am not making excuses for my actions. I guess I am an enabler. Maybe I am hindering the process instead of helping.. How do I find the balance? How do other christians handle it? I need some wisdom and insight. No theory or hypothetical answers. I want some hard core real answers. Real answers from real people about the complex issues of family dynamics as it pertains to GOD's will and way.


:eek: :confused:

There is a thing called Tough Love. You need to take control of your household - and quick. The 4-year old and 16 are a different subject but the son and "pastor" need to either get out on their own or start contributing to the household. I have been there and as long as you allow them to use you, they will. Force the issue. They are not children and though they may get angry at first, once they are out or contributing, their attitudes will change in time. There is no nice way to tell them to grow up and that you did not take them to raise a 2nd time.