Ask Me Help Desk - Undesired by Husband..

I have been married for 20 almost 21 years. I feel very neglected and undesired by my husband. We get along great. Have 4 children. He is 44 years old and I am 40. No, I do not believe he is cheating and we do love each other. Both of us are very attractive. He has been on Medications for his high blood pressure which can be part of the problem. We have sex maybe twice a month if I am lucky usually once. I basically would do just about anything to help increase his sex drive,( oral ,anal, sexting, dressing up for him, talking to him, being patience and I admit I been angry too but I still want to do just about anything to help) but despite my efforts I feel I am failing. Years ago while the children were young I admit I was the one with lack of interest due to all the responsibilities. And a lost of a younger brother when I was 25. Sex decreased a bit but still was about 1 to 3 times a month but now I want it all back to where we had it a couple times a day. He says it was the years of him waiting for me to be ready, that he is just used to not receiving it therefore his drive went down. He has no problem achieving an erection nor holding it. Sex is wonderful once he does want me. I have tried to ask him what he likes in sex and what I can do to help . He never told me what he likes in bed usually keeps to himself and makes it tough to know what he would enjoy the best. I feel like perhaps I just don't know how to make him feel good in bed. Or perhaps he does not find me attractive anymore. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Perhaps I am to loose for him or something. Please help! What more can I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by undesired00

I have been married for 20 almost 21 years. I feel very neglected and undesired by my husband. We get along great. Have 4 children. He is 44 years old and I am 40. No, I do not believe he is cheating and we do love each other. Both of us are very attractive. He has been on Medications for his high blood pressure which can be part of the problem. We have sex maybe twice a month if I am lucky usually once. I basically would do just about anything to help increase his sex drive,( oral ,anal, sexting, dressing up for him, talking to him, being patience and I admit I been angry too but i still want to do just about anything to help) but despite my efforts I feel I am failing. Years ago while the children were young I admit I was the one with lack of interest due to all the responsibilities. And a lost of a younger brother when I was 25. Sex decreased a bit but still was about 1 to 3 times a month but now I want it all back to where we had it a couple times a day. He says it was the years of him waiting for me to be ready, that he is just used to not receiving it therefore his drive went down. He has no problem achieving an erection nor holding it. Sex is wonderful once he does want me. I have tried to ask him what he likes in sex and what I can do to help . He never told me what he likes in bed usually keeps to himself and makes it tough to know what he would enjoy the best. I feel like perhaps I just don't know how to make him feel good in bed. Or perhaps he does not find me attractive anymore. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Perhaps I am to loose for him or something. Please help! What more can I do?

You probably feel like he felt when you were seldom in the mood. And he wondered if it was his problem - or yours.

In the past you had 2 or 3 times a month. Now it's once but you'd like it back to several times a day - how many years ago was that?

I would start with a complete health checkup for him - and, yes, the blood pressure medication could very well be the problem. Is he under stress at work?

I also wouldn't nag him about it, because that could be making things worse.

I didn't mean it as to have sex several times a day. That goal would be unrealistic and I basically don't think I would be able to handle that much. Just meant to get our sex life back in cycle at least couple times a week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You probably feel like he felt when you were seldom in the mood. and he wondered if it was his problem - or yours.

In the past you had 2 or 3 times a month. Now it's once but you'd like it back to several times a day - how many years ago was that?

I would start out with a complete health checkup for him - and, yes, the blood pressure medication could very well be the problem. Is he under stress at work?

I also wouldn't nag him about it, because that could be making things worse.

Stress at work has actually been less than 9 months ago. We work together but there we hardly ever speak to one another. Different departments. I like it to the point we had it at least twice a week. I understand I must have impacted him long ago with the lack of interest I went through. I always still showed affection and let him know that it wasn't him it was me than. Despite telling him I am sure I still had him doubtful. But I love him and want this vicious circle to end. No pointing fingers at each other without fights or nagging but not sure how to address it without making him feel pressured. I did mention perhaps it's the meds he is on now and told him to let the doctor know its effecting on his sex life. But I know he has pride and not so sure he will talk to the doctor.

High blood pressure and some medication can just take away sex drive and even hurt performance.

If he and you can not just talk about it openly, perhaps counseling to find ways to communication better