I recently found out that my boyfriend of a year and nine months has formed a friendship with a girl that he went to high school with. I don't mind that he has friends, but he made a huge effort to make sure that I didn't know about this girl. I saw that she was very active on his Facebook and was curious about who she was. I don't need to know everything about him but it bothered me that he had never mentioned her. He said that she just liked things on his Facebook and that he never talked to her.

One night his phone went off and when I looked at it I saw he had a text from this girl. I was really hurt because I don't know why he'd lie to me and hide the fact that he talked to her. That's when the lies/truth kept spilling out. He said that they never talked, then he said that they talked once a month, then he said that they hung out once at his house (watched a movie in his bedroom), then he said that they often go out for coffee/drinks. Why would he have this secret friendship? He tried so hard to make sure that I never found out. Deleting his texts and texting her while I was still sleeping. All the trust is gone and I feel like the relationship is over. I'm so heartbroken. We were going to move in together maybe even get married. I feel like I've been cheated on. He always makes the comment that he could never cheat on me because my hair is everywhere at his place. Why would he even bring that up?

I feel like he is two completely different people. One is the man that tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever. The other is the man that lies to me constantly and tells me how worthless I am. I'm so conflicted and in so much pain. I thought everything was going so well and now I feel like every chance he gets he hangs out with this other woman. This doesn't sound like a friendship to me.

Hi hun, I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through, I had a similar situation with my partner, he got very close to a girl he was working with, I trusted him to an extent but my doubts started to wear me down, I started looking on line at his face book and phone, made myself sick from worry, in the end I had enough and confronted him expecting the worst outcome, it turned out that he was having second thought about our relationship,our up coming wedding about his feelings for me... I was heart broken so I gave him the option of leaving, it was a hard choice but I couldn't live with the not knowing what was going on. He told me that he did love me but wasn't sure how much, but he said he do couple counselling, and see how we went from there. It was hard work but we have got through it and are know stronger then ever. But I know how the uncertainty will wear you down and break u, u have to look after yourself first, I hope my experience helps but please look after yourself..

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by LOLLYLYNCH

hi hun, i am sorry to hear about what you have been going through, i had a similar situation with my partner, he got very close to a girl he was working with, i trusted him to an extent but my doubts started to wear me down, i started looking on line at his face book and phone, made myself sick from worry, in the end i had enough and confronted him expecting the worst outcome, it turned out that he was having second thought about our relationship,our up coming wedding about his feelings for me...I was heart broken so I gave him the option of leaving, it was a hard choice but i couldnt live with the not knowing what was going on. He told me that he did love me but wasnt sure how much, but he said he do couple counselling, and see how we went from there. It was hard work but we have got through it and are know stronger then ever. but I know how the uncertainty will wear u down and break u, u have to look after yourself first, I hope my experience helps but please look after yourself..

---

Lollylynch,

Thank you for telling me about your experience. I'm glad that everything worked out with your partner and that you are happy. My boyfriend says that he has no feelings for this girl, but if it is so innocent, why the secrets and lying? I feel shattered because I wonder if our entire relationship has been a joke. How many other secret friendships has he had? He blames me for the secrets. Telling me that he only did it because he believes I would never let him have this friendship if he had told me, which is not true. He says that I should get over it and that being upset about this is making him doubt whether he wants to be with me. Half the time he is so loving and the other half he tells me that I'm worthless. Everything is so blurred that I don't know what's up and what's down. I feel like I should leave but I have to admit, I just want everything to work out and be like I thought it was before.

I am worried that he tells you that your worthless,he shouldn't do that and you should certainly not put up with it. You are not worthless, he needs to grow up a bit and you need to get stronger and be a little more brave, I know its scary but you need to stand up for yourself. NOW where she is concerned how I got through with my boyfriend having a female friend that I didn't know was, I talked to him about being uncomfortable with him being so close with someone that I did not now so I ASKED HIM TO BRING HER TO THE HOUSE to meet her, after a about ten minutes of her being there I knew there were just friends, but I know I was lucky that might life is working out but we have together for almost 13 years so I took a big risk puttin myself in a situation,we also have 2 boys but I could not deal with the not knowing any more.I needed to know either way...
Look no one can tell you what to do, what worked for me might not work for you but I do believe that the not knowing is worse in the long run.
Hope this might help.

It's a difficult situation for you.

My first impression is that he's cheating. He keeps making excuses as to why he couldn't tell you and then he turns it all around to make it seem as if it's your fault and you are the bad one here. He blames you for the secrets. He says that you being upset is making him doubt the relationship. He is trying to put everything on you... don't allow this.

On top of everything else, he tells you that you are worthless. Don't put up with that kind of treatment from anyone. You don't deserve that. You are not worthless and allowing him to make you feel so is not acceptable.

You really would probably be better off without this jerk. I know it sounds hard but after a short while, you would see how much better you are. You would find someone that treats you right and you would forget all about this idiot.

Good luck.

I ended everything with him earlier today. I made it clear that I made this decision for myself and that there will be no reconciliation. He's been calling and texting me since saying how sorry he is and that he wants to work things out. So far I've been doing the "no contact" thing and haven't answered his texts or calls.

I'm so frustrated because I've tried to make it clear that it is never OK for him to say degrading things to me. This has been a pattern in our relationship, I threaten to leave and he's great for a couple weeks but then this other side of him comes out.

I'm trying to be strong and not give in. I know that I deserve to be treated better, it's hard to start all over again.

Good for you! You have learned a lesson on how you will not be treated in the future.

It is hard but you can do it. Never mind the part about his friend, the disrespect he has shown you is more than enough reason.

As time goes on, you will feel better. Trust me, I've been there. For a few weeks it seems impossible but it's not. You'll be OK.

Well done hun, you have to put yourself first, Im glad u stood up for yourself, be proud because I know its not an easy decision to make... be strong..