Man, it is tough to see all these hurting folks. Stay strong!

I bought a condo in the spring with my girlfriend. All the amazing things were said, marriage, kids, growing old together etc.

A few months ago, she said the passion wasn't there anymore, and I needed to back off. So we agreed I wouldn't initiate sex. 2 months go by. Things are great. We are going on vacations, attending weddings having a great time. Bedroom heat is limited to cuddling and deep kissing. I do one check in after a month and I'm told things are getting better, but lets continue to keep a little physical distance so she can figure things out.

Last Sunday, after we attended a wedding, I get dumped. I'm in total denial to start with. Now I'm in a bargaining phase; she is staying at the condo and we continue to sleep in the same bed. We continue to give each other emotional support as important milestones are met.

She signed a lease last night. That hurt... we went to a movie and held hands. We sleep in the same bed, but without touching now.

Sigh.

I'm trying to keep things civil the next 2 weeks until she has moved out, then I'll go NC. In the meantime, I'm trying to be supportive and trying to figure out this whole 'spark' thing.

So rhetorical question. After the initial passion is gone, how do folks keep the spark alive? For me it had to do with continually making connections by doing interesting things together. Taking a vacation, road trip, camping trip, cooking dinner for one another, watching a show we both liked, going out with friends, organizing a pot luck dinner, going running together etc. Having heart to heart conversations about the future, kids, marriage. Getting a puppy when the kids are young.

We were doing all those things consistently over the past 2 years, yet the spark still goes out? I'm in good shape, I have friends that I hung out with during the week so I wasn't only wrapped up in the relationship. Was I too available? Is this the whole nice guys finish last syndrome?

Everyone's different and maybe what kept the spark alive for you didn't work for her. At this point it's really hard to say unless she comes out and says it.

I would say you're on the right track, when she moves out initiate NC and start moving on.

Update... Going through a lot of heart ache. Having her stay in the condo was not a good idea as far as healing is concerned. But it was good for some of the decisions that had to be made regarding belongings and carving out some space in our immediate social circles.

The frustration got to her on Friday, and she ed me out over some miscommunication. That actually helped move me emotionally towards wanting this over and done with, instead of this limbo where I'm pining and hoping for a 'stay of execution'.

This site seems to provide all the tools you need to muddle your way through the grief of a breakup.

Still have no freaking idea how to rekindle a spark in a relationship. The more I talk about it, the more it seems to really be on the person who lost the spark to figure it out. And figuring that out requries a bit of emotional maturity and self knowledge...

I'm working on my attitude, trying to realize there was and is nothing I could have done to stop the breakup. I've been going out with friends constantly, and I visit my family in 2 days for the memorial.

The ex has a lease, and is packing this week, so I'm staying out of the condo as much as possible. We agreed that she should stay in a friends house as of Sunday. So the last 2 nights I'm alone. But I think it is easier than being in the same bed. I'm starting to realize she
Can't console me, but rather stirs me up whenever we interact.

At my mom's request, I started therapy to try and get a better handle on my sense of self worth. A little spendy, this may have to get cut from the budget, but I have about $300 left in my insurance fund that has to get spent regardless. It was nice having a professional assure me that yep, breaking up sucks and its not your fault :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JaeBeam

Update... Going thru a lot of heart ache. Having her stay in the condo was not a good idea as far as healing is concerned. but it was good for some of the decisions that had to be made regarding belongings and carving out some space in our immediate social circles.

The frustration got to her on Friday, and she ed me out over some miscommunication. That actually helped move me emotionally towards wanting this over and done with, instead of this limbo where I'm pining and hoping for a 'stay of execution'.

This site seems to provide all the tools you need to muddle your way thru the grief of a breakup.

Still have no freaking idea how to rekindle a spark in a relationship. The more I talk about it, the more it seems to really be on the person who lost the spark to figure it out. And figuring that out requries a bit of emotional maturity and self knowledge...

I'm working on my attitude, trying to realize there was and is nothing I could have done to stop the breakup. I've been going out with friends constantly, and I visit my family in 2 days for the memorial.

The ex has a lease, and is packing this week, so I'm staying out of the condo as much as possible. We agreed that she should stay in a friends house as of Sunday. So the last 2 nights I'm alone. but I think it is easier than being in the same bed. I'm starting to realize she
can't console me, but rather stirs me up whenever we interact.

At my mom's request, I started therapy to try and get a better handle on my sense of self worth. A little spendy, this may have to get cut from the budget, but I have about $300 left in my insurance fund that has to get spent regardless. It was nice having a professional assure me that yep, breaking up sucks and its not your fault :)

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Keep this up and you'll be on your way!

Good luck

Another Update:

Monday night I come home from my 4 day trip out of town for my grandmother's memorial. I have a friend with me so I don't have to be alone when I'm hit by the emptyness. Tuesday night, I have another friend help me assemble a bed.

So by wed night, I have my own bed, an entertainment center, TV, coffee table and a semi-working kitchen. I'm moving forward, going NC, trying to get myself together.

Last night, Thursday, I'm helping a friend move furniture and eating dinner, and I get a text from the ex asking if I would meet her to have a conversation.

Long story short she asked to get back together.

I said only if we both work on what went wrong, we can't go back, we need to move forward. She said that her side of the communication should have been better. I said I needed to be doing more things to make me happy rather than being co-dependant and looking to the relationship to make me happy.

And we agreed to look for some type of counciling together. I plan on staying in therapy to continue to work on my issues.

She has her own place now, and said that having that space gave her a place to think about things without all the pressure of being in the same place all the time.

So... I see that most folks don't do well when they get back together, and that has me bummed out. I figure as long as I continue to work on figuring out how to keep myself happy while in a relationship, I'll be doing worthwhile work even if we can't figure out how to make things work, so it is worth trying.

Are there any women out there that moved out and were able to figure things out with their significant others? I'd love to hear a success story, and what steps worked best for putting things right.

I'm grateful that you have posted your story here for us to read. Although my situation is quite different from yours, I have been able to take from what you've learned and apply it to my own life.

I especially like how you stated "I needed to be doing more things to make me happy rather than being co-dependant and looking to the relationship to make me happy."

I am currently in No Contact stage, and this will likely last at least two years but at least I have your story to think back on if my own time comes.

What I'm trying to say is... Thank you.

Another Update.

I found a therapist for us to talk with, at $40 a session. So $20 each, not too bad cost wise. We went twice, and after the second session my ex said that it was too expensive, and that she was finding that she didn't miss me when she was home in her new apartment.

So after a whole 3-4 weeks of 'working on things' she broke up with me again.

To be honest, having closure is much easier than the limbo that we were in. Its been a bit over a month since that final break up, and 3 months since the initial breakup happened when we were living together.

In hindsite, I think having her move out the day she said she was leaving me would have helped speed things up, but I'm glad at how I handled the situation.

While the getting back together didn't go well, it did allow us a good 2-3 conversations where I got some answers as to why she left me, and that helps. I can move on from thinking 'what could I have done to prevent this' to realizing that my ex had too much baggage from her childhood to allow her to be in a solid, loving relationship, no matter how 'perfect' I could have been.

So. 3 months later, I am moving on. I get sad when I think about her still, but the funk doesn't last nearly as long as it used to. I'm thinking I'll start dating again, just to see how that feels, and wait a few months before moving from dating -> relationship, assuming I don't freak out when I date :)

Good luck everybody!