Ask Me Help Desk - Can we stayed married if he doesn't like how I look?

My husband is African American and doesn't like the way my body looks. I have a nice size butt but he's obsessed with me having a bigger butt and wants me to gain weight. I weigh 135 and I'm five two. He has always compared me to these urban models saying they look better I should look like that. I have let myself go a little, it's hard to keep myself up if he's constantly comparing. I feel like I'm not good enough. We have 4 kids one is five weeks old. He has been masturbating to these women he wants me to be. Is it me or is he a jerk?

He's a jerk.

Tell him that your body is the way it's meant to be, and you like it. If he only loves you for your body, then he's not the right guy for you.

I've gained a lot of weight in the last few years. Not once has my husband ever commented on how I look, because he loves me for who I am, not what I look like.

Any guy that asks you to change something about yourself, is not a keeper.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

He's a jerk.

Any guy that asks you to change something about yourself, is not a keeper.

Amen to that! What a nerve. And after OP having all of those with him !

Not only is he a jerk, he is a jerk off that deserve to sleep on the porch.

He's worse than a jerk but I can't say it on here.

Don't change for him.

Definitely a jerk! Has he changed at all over the years?

Quote:

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

Definitely a jerk! Has he changed at all over the years?

we've been together since 12th grade and I'm now 25 he's 26. I remember him always having some porn but I thought guys do that. But after a year or so he would always comment on these women and how I should do the same workouts and it's just gotten worse the older he gets, or maybe I'm realizing I might never be his ideal mate. We have great sex on and off again but it's always the same thing. It's very depressing especially since I am very attracted to him still. He is a great dad and we have the same goals. But I feel very unhappy. I know that this is going to lead to a disaster. He's not going to change and I'm angry!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melio07

we've been together since 12th grade and I'm now 25 he's 26. I remember him always having some porn but I thought guys do that. But after a year or so he would always comment on these women and how I should do the same workouts and it's just gotten worse the older he gets, or maybe I'm realizing I might never be his ideal mate. We have great sex on and off again but it's always the same thing. It's very depressing especially since I am very attracted to him still. He is a great dad and we have the same goals. But I feel very unhappy. I know that this is going to lead to a disaster. He's not going to change and I'm angry!

You've had 4 children, so your body is going to change. It is ridiculous for him to degrade you like this. You sound like you have a great body for anyone, let alone someone who just gave birth! Is he willing to go to counseling with you?

Having a fantasy is one thing. Telling your mate she has to live up to your fantasy is another.

I don't normally call people 'jerks'. Usually I say 'acting like a jerk'. Your husband has crossed the line from 'acting' to 'being'. He is a 'jerk'. I don't know if realizes or understands how much of one he is being, but he is.

You have had four children in approximately six years. Do you get any time for yourself to do anything that helps you feel good about yourself and recharge your batteries?

You love him. Does he say or show that he loves you? If there is still love in this relationship, then there is hope the issues can be fixed. Would you be willing to talk to him about marriage counseling? Having a neutral person mediate discussions about body image and types and the difference between fantasy and reality could help open his eyes to the relationship he is damaging.

He has a very immature understanding of the role fantasy plays in a relationship. Talking about fantasies should enhance the pleasure instead of damaging it. If he can't control his fantasy, then he may have a fetish and that puts his thoughts and desires into a very different category.

I really think if this marriage is going to survive it will take outside help. Are you able to put more energy into attempting to keep it alive?

Quote:

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

You've had 4 children, so your body is going to change. It is ridiculous for him to degrade you like this. You sound like you have a great body for anyone, let alone someone who just gave birth! Is he willing to go to counseling with you?

I am going to try and set something up I hope he will go see someone with me. He doesn't get that I don't have time for myself he just sees the these women on TV who don't have a real life except for partying and they don't even have kids. If they don't have kids they have nanny's. What do u think kim kardashian does all day. I don't mind looking good for him and exercising because I really still am hot it doesn't take much for me to get back in shape. It's just the manner in which he behaves when he these women. I am not a jealous wife I have taken pole lessons I go to strip joints; I have no problem with hot women. He is just very insensitive and immature.

I'm glad you still have a great attitude. You should set up some counseling, at least for you if he won't go. Make sure the things you do are for you to feel better, not because you are doing them for him. Let us know how it goes.

Why do you even listen to him, or not go off on his a$$? You don't take an idiot seriously even if you are married to the jerk!

This is his problem, not yours do let him have it. Don't make it yours.

Quote:

Originally Posted by teacherjenn4

I'm glad you still have a great attitude. You should set up some counseling, at least for you if he won't go. Make sure the things you do are for you to feel better, not because you are doing them for him. Let us know how it goes.

Definitely, I am going to stop putting everyone else first and start taking care of me. Then he will be kissing . And if he keeps this porn crap up I'm getting a divorce. It's OK in moderation but everyday or every other day is BS. I am not going to bring the issue up anymore because it's not my problem. I just have to focus on my career and everything will fall into place. It's great talking to people who get it, most women my age are partying and dating I've been in a relationship my whole adult life. I went from teen to mother and wife. Time really goes by fast. But you guys are right totally not my problem!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Why do you even listen to him, or not go off on his a$$? You don't take an idiot seriously even if you are married to
This is his problem, not yours do let him have it. Don't make it yours.

I do go off and he looks at me like I'm crazy. Once he said that's a way to get me motivated. Whatever! I'm over this crap! As of today Things are going to seriously change. I'm going to take care of me.

He is a jerk! He married you when you did not look like those women, cut him off, leave him and have him go for one of the other women with big butts. Who the heck is he, how does he look that gives him the right to tell you how to look. And you have 4 kids, he should be focused on them as a father and your husband instead of jerking off to some pictures of women with big butts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Melio07

I do go off and he looks at me like I'm crazy. Once he said thats a way to get me motivated. Whatever! I'm over this crap! As of today Things are gonna seriously change. I'm gonna take care of me.

Good for you.

I may be a bit biased but he is a jerk!. By now I would have told him that if he wants someone like that so much and he likes to get off on them, then he needs to go and find someone like that. Sad thing is he wouldn't be satisfied with her either. The same way he found fault in you, he would find it in someone else. People like that are never satisfied. They are always trying to chase a dream that may never come true. It hurts me to hear that one more woman has to live like that. I lived it for 12 years. My ex husband found fault in everything about me. He found fault in the way I looked, everything I said; everything I did. Finally I got so tired that I packed up my 3 young children and left. No job. No money. No car. And I didn't know how to drive. My mum took us in. I divorced his butt and never looked back. Now granted, since the divorce I have had to take him back to court several times. In fact I am taking him again in the very near future. But I wouldn't change a thing. There's nothing like peace of mind. He told me that I would never find anyone to love and care for me and our girls because I was a worthless piece of ****. But God had something different in mind for me. He sent the man whose rib I came from. We fell in love so deeply and it's a beautiful kind of love. We got married and the rest is history. Now I'm the happiest woman in the world. I am so giddily (I think I may have just made up a new word.. lol) in love with this man and together we made a son who is the better part of us both. So for you my dear there is hope. God can change this man, if he is indeed the man for you. (I don't know if you're a believer or not). But if he isn't then all is not lost for you either. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel, there always is. I'm not going to insult you by suggesting counselling, I'm going to keep it real. Men like that very rarely respond to counselling and/or ultimatums. Start by reinventing you. You said that you kind of let yourself go, well unbeknown to you, you gave him the ammunition. Now its time to turn it around on him. Again reinvent yourself from the inside out. Develop the type of skin that everything he says just rolls off your back. Don't be reactive. Look your absolute best when you're hitting the streets with him and the kids. When he starts to see men's heads turn when you walk by, he will start to value you more. The thing is he's possibly thinking that no one would want you because you have let yourself go a bit, but when he sees that someone else likes the way you look, that someone else may see the value in you, he may start to change his way of thinking and appreciate you more because he would not want to lose you. There was something about you that drew you to him in the first place, so if this is the man God has for you, then He will whip his behind into shape until he stops his nonsense. I'm so sorry this was so long but I am so sure there is something in here that you can get something from. Again I lived your life too. 12 years and it all came to an end in 2002.