Ask Me Help Desk - My girlfriend wants space, is this the end?

Me and my girlfriend have been going out for coming up to two years now and I have always had a few insecurities as far as trust goes which span back from a previous bad relationship. I also don’t have the greatest of self confidence, I mean I feel so lucky to have found such a beautiful and lovely person but because of this I have always thought that there must be someone better than me because I consider myself out of her league, thinking myself to be just average joe while she is beautiful.

To get to the point, we are both in love with each other but I can sometimes come off as being overly possessive or needy, as I put on the insecurities I have towards her. She has very understood generally in the relationship as she too has had previous bad relationships but she is also a very independent and strong woman and has evolved further than me from her bad experiences, I know she can live without me.

I have dealt a lot with my insecurities generally with help from her so in that respect I am a different person to what I was at the start. We have had our moments before as every relationship does one of these being that once I looked at her messages in her phone, sometime I always hated the thought of but what my insecurities pushed me to do, I found texts from a couple of guys that were basically melting all over her and telling her that she should be with them etc.. Like I said she is very beautiful but she did not reciprocate on these, however it did knock me for six and I regretted doing it, I told her and it did knock her trust with me and the consequences of that resulted in a 2 week break which was during January this year. We recovered from this and carried on having a good relationship again but the effects of those texts left a mark on me.

Now I have never had a problem with her going out with mates and I have never stopped her from doing anything she wanted or even stop her from talking to people including the culprits of the previously mentioned texts. The problem is that I like to keep in touch with her. I also used to question her on what places she’s going to and what people she is with but we spoke about that and I put that in check but I still like to keep in contact, asking her how she is, if she’s having a good time etc... and I mention to her that I’m worried about other guys and stuff before she goes out because my mind goes against me making me create bad scenarios in my head which is worse when I’m on my own. My girlfriend is aware of that and has been very understanding however she is not one to like contact when she is out with mates.

Where it has gone a bit tits up now is when she went out the other night which was 4 days ago. She was out with uni mates in a different city and like I said before, I needed a bit of reassurance and I also told her that I didn't like how she never wants contact from me on nights out and would rather me leave her alone, this caused small bickering but nothing major. Then during the night I text her a couple of times in the space of about 2 hours asking her how she is and if she is having a good time with no reply. Again I sent her another couple of texts asking her how she is etc. but I got no reply for a couple of hours but then got a text saying PLEASE STOP and then a call from her basically saying she can't do it anymore and that she was ending it with me, this obviously ripped through my heart and I was alone and not able to have a proper conversation with her. The next day she comes over to my house and we have a talk which results in both of us in tears and she basically broke up with me. It was a good terms basis and she even gave me a lift to the train station as I was going away and there she was crying and told me she loves me which is why it’s hard and she said she needs space and does not know what she wants. She also said I need to sort my own problems out and see where I’m going wrong which to be honest I do now. Now I just don’t know what’s going to happen and I did tell her that I would be here for her and that I’ve not given up on her and see a future with her so she said if that’s so I need to sort out my problems but she does not know how long she wants space for or even if she’s going to get back with me after so basically I’m left a bit in limbo not knowing what the hell’s going to happen, whether I’m to just give her the space she wants and then she’ll get back with me or if I’m fighting a losing battle and the fate of our relationship is already sealed.

All I know is that I feel like utter and just worry that’s she's going to hitch up with some other guy and leave me pissing in the wind. She is a good person and I am a good person too and she even said she’s not doing it so she can go off and other guys but for me to sort myself out and for her to think about whether she should be with me. Like I said I know she loves me which is the hope that I’m holding onto here but it would be great to here other peoples thoughts and experiences and to just figure out where I’m going wrong and what the to do.

I’m 23 and she’s 27 and I’m now into the 2nd day of this break with no contact what so ever.

Thank you

At least you admit how awful your jealousy and possessiveness and suspicions are.
They ARE awful.
I know you have tried to curb them but usually people with this deep seated jealousy don't get over it by just trying (although it does help, and a lot of people are just too lazy to try).

I would tell her that you plan to get help - in a handwritten letter, not a text, email, or phone call. It will sound more genuine and serious. And you need it, and you need to mean it if you say it. See a therapist. You aren't just overly jealous, you don't have a good opinion of yourself underneath it all. You think she is better than you, and that helps feed your jealousy.
But you may never hear back from her - this may indeed be the end. You need this though for the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

At least you admit how awful your jealousy and possessiveness and suspicions are.
They ARE awful.
I know you have tried to curb them but usually people with this deep seated jealousy don't get over it by just trying (although it does help, and a lot of people are just too lazy to try).

I would tell her that you plan to get help - in a handwritten letter, not a text, email, or phone call. It will sound more genuine and serious. And you need it, and you need to mean it if you say it. See a therapist. You aren't just overly jealous, you don't have a good opinion of yourself underneath it all. You think she is better than you, and that helps feed your jealousy.
But you may never hear back from her - this may indeed be the end. You need this though for the future.

I wouldn't say I have suspicions, because I do trust her, its just an issue I have deep down where I can trust but the best way to put it is that there are catches in the small writing. Its through not just my own past experiences but through others, other loved ones such as my dad who I have seen be ripped apart several times by women who he believed loved him. Those kind of things have installed a guard within me that makes me struggle to completely hand over all 100% trust to a women.

I pray (metaphorically) that the fact that she loves me and that she said with some space she might feel good in being with me again. I know I've got problems and I will fight to change them because I'm fighting to keep her. Believe me if I had money to see a therapist I would but I'm a student, that's why I'm resorting to forum therapy.

I already know where I have gone wrong and where I need to change so with this time I am going to learn to love myself again as a person to bring myself up to what I believe is the level she is on. As you said, the two key factors are myself confidence and level of possesivness both I believe can be built on and controlled.

She did say she will get in touch again in a couple of weeks so hopefully we can find a level ground and be together again

I wouldn't necessarily say it is the end. I come from a relationship like this I am very nervous from previous relationship. She might just need time to breathe and just have her space right now. She might be scared because she might be thinking she wants more which is a good thing. I wouldn't get so nervous about not hearing from her. And yes a handwritten letter will help it gives more feelings cause you are able to think clearly and not get stuck on words then in person.

Quote:

Originally Posted by klc4791

i wouldn't necessarily say it is the end. i come from a relationship like this i am very nervous from previous relationship. she might just need time to breathe and just have her space right now. she might be scared because she might be thinking she wants more which is a good thing. i wouldn't get so nervous about not hearing from her. and yes a handwritten letter will help it gives more feelings cause you are able to think clearly and not get stuck on words then in person.

I do like the idea of a written letter, my only worry with that though is how do I know she won't take that badly as though its breaking the space she wanted by contacting her in this way. Ive done something very similar when we had a break before, I had flowers delivered to her house with a card that I had done a couple of paragraphs like a love note but her reaction to that wasn't as I would have hoped and she made out it was breaking the agreement, she liked the flowers but the card pretty much had an opposite effect, It made it worse with the fact that the card was printed and not hand written as I did it through a web site but all the same I'm worried that it might make the situation worse. The fact is I know what I need to deal with and change with myself but I have no idea how to approach her with screwing things up even more.

Women are so complex its unreal, I just don't know, nor does any other man know exactly how a women thinks so what we think might be a good thing can adversely have the opposite effect

OK, you are the best judge of the idea of a letter.
People find that writing letters over and over and putting them under their pillow helps sort out their thoughts, so that by the time you do see each other again you can better formulate what you want to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

OK, you are the best judge of the idea of a letter.
People find that writing letters over and over and putting them under their pillow helps sort out their thoughts, so that by the time you do see each other again you can better formulate what you want to say.

That sounds like a good idea. Any further advice on how I should act with her and the best way to try and sort it out without pushing her away. What perhaps would be the best kind of way to help defeat my personal demons of insecurities? Any techniques. I want to be able to block it out and show to her that I do actually trust her and that I'm not just a ball and chain

I would leave her alone and work on improving my own behavior and exercising some self control instead of giving into the impulses that drove her away in the first place.

When and if you get that second look, You better be ready with some changes. Start with actually thinking before you act, even if you have to count to one hundred before you text on her nights out, KNOWING she hates it!

This isn't about yourself confidence my friend, but yourself control, or the lack thereof. Just be cool, calm, and collected, and in control of yourself. Whether you get that second look or NOT!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I would leave her alone and work on improving my own behavior and exercising some self control instead of giving into the impulses that drove her away in the first place.

When and if you get that second look, You better be ready with some changes. Start with actually thinking before you act, even if you have to count to one hundred before you text on her nights out, KNOWING she hates it!

This isn't about your self confidence my friend, but your self control, or the lack thereof. Just be cool, calm, and collected, and in control of yourself. Whether you get that second look or NOT!

That's sound advice. Il take that on board. I have to say as well that the quotes you have on your posts are very true, their noted

OK an update on the situation.
So its been 3 weeks today now since things ended between me and my girlfriend and last week I sent her a letter which she replied to with her own letter and then I replied with another letter the other day, all the letters basically explaining the problems, what each other wants etc... now she contacted me the other day asking if I would like to meet for a drink which obviously I jumped at the chance, so after exchanging a few more texts I managed to turn it into a date where we decided to go to our favourite restaurant. The date is going ahead this Thursday but during yesterday after asking her if she's having a good day etc.. She asks if we can go somewhere a little more informal, still a meal but more like Nando's instead of an indian restaurant. She has put a few negative thoughts in my head and I'm now wondering why she changed her mind on it. Another thing too which is a small thing but something that grates at me on every text, instead of the normal 4 kisses that we have always given each other, she only ever puts 2 now where as I am still giving 4. A small thing I know but I thought I would mention that while I'm doing this post.

I know I am making progress with her now but any opinions or advice on this update would be great.

Thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by snakenath

ok an update on the situation.
so its been 3 weeks today now since things ended between me and my gf and last week i sent her a letter which she replied to with her own letter and then i replied back with another letter the other day, all the letters basically explaining the problems, what each other wants etc... now she contacted me the other day asking if i wo
uld like to meet for a drink which obviously i jumped at the chance, so after exchanging a few more txts i managed to turn it into a date where we decided to go to our favourite restaurant. The date is going ahead this Thursday but during yesterday after asking her if shes having a good day etc.. she asks if we can go somewhere a little more informal, still a meal but more like Nando's instead of an indian restaurant. She has put a few negative thoughts in my head and im now wondering why she changed her mind on it. Another thing too which is a small thing but something that grates at me on every txt, instead of the normal 4 kisses that we have always given each other, she only ever puts 2 now where as i am still giving 4. A small thing i know but i thought i would mention that while im doing this post.

I know i am making progress with her now but any opinions or advice on this update would be great.

Thanks

I've looking at this in the wrong way, do not break every little detail down, thus is where yourself control needs to come into play, New restaurant, who cares she still going, little kisses not a big deal, you need to put a wall up. You r not getting back together,your last relationship with her is dead, it failed, now u need to learn from that one , and start a new one over with her, from square one, take a step back, remember where the relationship failed and begin a new. Give her all the trust and don't be so pissesive, her time is her time and yours yours , do not breakdown everyevent. U do not own her . When u feel u want to check her phone or check on her remember that's what killed your last relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ooohrah

I've looking at this in the wrong way, do not break every little detail down, thus is where your self control needs to come into play, New restaraunt, who cares she still going, little kisses not a big deal, you need to put a wall up. You r not getting back together,your last relationship with her is dead, it failed, now u need to learn from that one , and start a new one over with her, from square one, take a step back, remember where the relationship failed and begin a new. Give her all the trust and don't be so pissesive, her time is her time and yours yours , do not breakdown everyevent. U do not own her . When u feel u want to check her phone or check on her remember that's what killed your last relationship.

Yeh I see what you mean and yeah your right, I do look into detail far too much when it proberley means nothing. I just worry that the reason she changed her thoughts on going to our favourite place to a more informal place is so that it might be an easier chance to tell me straight and make a run for it. Im worried that there's a hidden motive between the lines that I'm missing or perhaps like you said it means nothing. Ive always been a person that finds it difficult to create barriers because I don't really know how and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I just walk straight into things and end up getting hurt

Quote:

Originally Posted by snakenath

Yeh i see what you mean and yeh your right, i do look into detail far too much when it proberley means nothing. I just worry rthat the reason she changed her thoughts on going to our favourite place to a more informal place is so that it might be an easier chance to tell me straight and make a run for it. Im worried that there's a hidden motive between the lines that im missing or perhaps like you said it means nothing. Ive always been a person that finds it difficult to create barriers because i dont really know how and i wear my heart on my sleeve so i just walk straight into things and end up getting hurt

I am that same person my friend, and with the biggest pain come the biggest reward, I to break everything down and wear my heart on my sleeve , and believe me I am going through hell as we speak. But u have to learn to curve your thoughts, what I do and it don't always work is tell myself how stupid I'm being, I have been screwed over several times by trusting my girlfriends, and one ex wife, I actually helped deliver my 3rd child, and found out she was not mine when she came out,different race! Swallow that pill. But I now care for her as if she is my own, without the ex-wife... It is hard to control your jealous thoughts and scary, to pur trust into people after being hurt, but u will never get to the next level in your relationship if u don't learn.. not all is your fault, if she cares enough she would nit be giving her cell number to other dudes in the first place, y would she put u in that spot, it is OK for her to have male friends , but she should also step up and put them in their place when they pursue her, that's her issue. She should make it clear she is with u, if not she is playing u and them and life is to short for games. Good luck and stop tarring yourself up, u are worth more than u think.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ooohrah

I am that same person my friend, and with the biggest pain come the biggest reward, I to break everything down and wear my heart on my sleeve , and believe me I am going through hell as we speak. But u have to learn to curve your thoughts, what I do and it don't always work is tell myself how stupid I'm being, I have been screwed over several times by trusting my girlfriends, and one ex wife, I actually helped deliver my 3rd child, and found out she was not mine when she came out,different race!. Swallow that pill. But I now care for her as if she is my own, without the ex-wife... It is hard to control your jealous thoughts and scary, to pur trust into people after being hurt, but u will never get to the next level in your relationship if u don't learn.. not all is your fault, if she cares enough she would nit be giving her cell number to other dudes in the first place, y would she put u in that spot, it is ok for her to have male friends , but she should also step up and put them in their place when they pursue her, that's her issue. She should make it clear she is with u, if not she is playing u and them and life is to short for games. Good luck and stop tarring yourself up, u are worth more than u think.

Wow it sounds like you've been through it all right but its good to see that you rose above it. I know its time for me to sort my trust issues and to go forward into the new relationship with no jealousy and to give her the trust that she rightfully deserves. I don't believe I will ever trust a women 100% and will always leave that 1% to cover my back but I need to think that at the end of the day if she does break that and betray me then she's not the women I fell in love with anyway. People have been saying to me, including one of her friends that as well as taking on board what she has said, I need to assert myself to her and let her know what I need too including the fact that if anything is going to change and that if I'm ever going to prove that I can trust her, il need her to be with me, no more space, it comes down to we either stick together through it and have each others back on it or if she can't go with that then it will seal the fate of the relationship because what's a relationship if you can't even fight things together and one of you wants you to go it alone, its ludicrous and that's the attitude I'm going into this meal with. Im happy to take it slow and go on dates to start with but we're either going to walk out as 1 or walk separate ways. I can't handle it any other way

Quote:

Originally Posted by snakenath

Wow it sounds like you've been through it alright but its good to see that you rose above it. I know its time for me to sort my trust issues and to go forward into the new relationship with no jealousy and to give her the trust that she rightfully udeserves. I dont believe i will ever trust a women 100% and will always leave that 1% to cover my back but i need to think that at the end of the day if she does break that and betray me then shes not the women i fell in love with anyway. People have been saying to me, including one of her friends that as well as taking on board what she has said, i need to assert myself to her and let her know what i need too including the fact that if anything is going to change and that if im ever going to prove that i can trust her, il need her to be with me, no more space, it comes down to we either stick together through it and have each others back on it or if she can't go with that then it will seal the fate of the relationship because whats a relationship if you can't even fight things together and one of you wants you to go it alone, its ludicrous and thats the attitude im going into this meal with. Im happy to take it slow and go on dates to start with but we're either going to walk out as 1 or walk seperate ways. I can't handle it any other way

That's a good attitude, because you are worth her effort just the same and if she does not believe that then you deserve better. Good luck.

Given all that's transpired between you ,are your expectations reasonable, or desperate. Sounds desperate to me because you have finagled a date that's been downgraded from a romantic setting to an informal one.

Its just a shared meal, not the end or beginning and resolution has already come yet you deny it, but still trying to get her back. This meet up will not accomplish that at all fear. She doesn't want to re commit to you.

You have gotten carried away again.