I'm really confused about the whole Visa/Job/Residency thing...
If I live in the U.S. on a student F-1 visa for five years, can I become a permanent resident?

No... is not a path to residency or to citizenship... its just for the purpose and duration of your education.. and it becomes invalid after you leave school or flunk out, you have to file for another type of visa or for a green card for what you want.